If you’ve ever found yourself asking, “Why isn’t my teen taking responsibility?”—especially while watching them ignore homework, dodge chores, or shrug off yet another task—you’re tapping into one of the most common (and frustrating) dynamics in modern parenting.

You remind them to do their homework. They grunt. You remind them again, with a little more edge. Still nothing. Hours pass. The assignment sits untouched. Your anxiety builds. Eventually, you snap—lecture incoming, Wi-Fi under threat—because obviously, they’re not taking this seriously.

And while all that’s playing out on the surface, the real noise is happening inside your head—

Why don’t they just do it?
Do they even care about school?
Why do I have to chase them every time?
Shouldn’t they be taking more responsibility by now?

And then the deeper layer—
What if they fail?
What if they never get it together?
What if this one missed assignment turns into a pattern and they never recover?

The teenage years have a way of turning even the most reasonable parent into a low-level crisis manager. Fear sneaks in, dressed up as just being thorough and wanting the best for your child. And suddenly you’re micromanaging their life like their entire future depends on Year 9 science homework.

But before we start reengineering our teenager’s attitude, it’s worth pausing to ask—what’s driving ours?

Often, their lack of responsibility is a response to our parenting. Especially when fear quietly infests our caregiving approach. Because when fear is running the show, we don’t hand over responsibility—we hold on tighter.

And that changes everything.

What Fear-Based Parenting Looks Like (and Why It’s So Common)

We fear what we can’t control. And the teenage years? They’re practically a masterclass in losing control.

When our kids were little, fear-based strategies had their place. Yelling “Stop!” as they bolted toward traffic was appropriate. But teenagers? Teenagers are in that in-between space—awkward, emotional, glued to their phones, and operating on a diet of toast and sleep denial—as they figure out how to be more adult than child. Fear-based parenting doesn’t guide them. It manages them—poorly.

It’s normal to feel fear as the parent of a teenager. Fear they’ll make a huge mistake. Fear they’ll ruin their future. Fear they’ll never reach their potential. Fear they’ll hurt themselves—or someone else. And for many parents, fear that we’re somehow not doing enough, or doing it all wrong.

Fear-based parenting isn’t always loud or obvious. It can be subtle and well-meaning. It shows up in the way we hover, over-check, micro-manage, or talk in worst-case-scenario language. It can sound like:

• Over-controlling: “If I don’t manage every detail, they’ll mess it up.”
• Catastrophising: “If they fail this one maths test, they’ll never get into uni, find a job, or afford groceries.”
• Threatening: “If you do that again, say goodbye to your phone until you’re 30.”
• Micromanaging: “Have you done your homework? Have you started? Should I just sit here while you do it?”

And it usually comes from a place of deep love—and deep anxiety. We want to protect our teens, but fear convinces us the only way to do that is to take charge, tighten the reins, and eliminate risk.

Fear-based parenting can quietly undermine the very things we’re trying to build—trust, responsibility, and open communication. When fear drives our choices, it often leads to more conflict, less connection, and a teenager who either withdraws or resists. Over time, it creates an environment where guidance is replaced by control, and influence is lost to frustration.

To stay connected and effective through the teen years, we need something steadier than fear to lead the way.

When Fear Leads the Way, Connection Gets Lost

Fear-based parenting has a strange knack for producing the very things we’re trying to avoid.

We worry our teen won’t take responsibility. So we swoop in, oversee the details, issue reminders like clockwork, and check their progress with all the subtlety of a border security agent. This tells them, ever so helpfully, that they can’t be trusted. As a result, they step back. We panic. They check out.

And just like that, the cycle begins.

Insistence leads to resistance. It’s one of the most common—and most frustrating—patterns in parenting. The more we push, the more our teens pull away. Not because they don’t care, but because they feel over-managed. Before we know it, we’re locked in a dynamic that wears everyone down.

This isn’t some rare anomaly—it’s a well-worn pattern that plays out in countless families. Fear creeps in, fuelling our need for control. But the more tightly we grip the wheel (insistence), the more pushback we tend to get (resistance.)

That resistance often comes quietly. Not necessarily with shouting or dramatic refusals, but in delays, disengagement, and disappearing chores. It’s passive resistance—just as powerful, only less obvious.

This kind of resistance doesn’t just affect daily tasks. It takes a toll on the relationship. When teens feel constantly second-guessed or monitored, they stop bringing us their real selves. Conversations get shorter as their tone becomes defensive. We stop being the safe place to land and start feeling like the obstacle course they have to navigate.

And then there’s the creeping frustration. We’re doing all the parenting jobs—feeding, driving, lecturing, sacrificing—and yet we feel less in touch, less respected, and more worn out.  As if we’ve been cast in a role where we still do everything, but now without influence or gratitude. Parenting’s version of being ghosted—while still doing the groceries.

There’s also the quiet training going on behind the scenes. Parenting from fear doesn’t just shape teen behaviour—it teaches them how the world works. Or at least how we think it does. If we always manage their risks, pre-empt mistakes, or override their judgement, they learn to assume they need managing. Confidence shrinks. Decision-making feels risky. They start looking outwards for reassurance and instruction.

Psychologists call this an external locus of control—when someone believes that outcomes depend more on outside forces than on their own actions. It’s the opposite of self-agency. And over time, it can lead to teenagers who grow into adults that hesitate. Adults who avoid choices, delay action, or drift—not because they’re lazy, but because they never had a chance to develop the inner muscle of self-trust. Many teens simply haven’t had the chance to build confidence in their own decision-making, so their independence is still developing.

A Different Way to Parent—One That Doesn’t Start with Fear

If parenting from fear keeps us stuck in a cycle of control and resistance, what’s the alternative?

This approach is about being steady and present, with enough flexibility to allow growth without letting things spiral out of control.

It’s parenting with clarity. Clarity about what really matters. Clarity about what’s yours to manage—and what’s not. Clarity about the fact that your teenager is a work in progress. (Just like you.)

Fear tells us to clamp down and eliminate risk. Clarity reminds us that some risks are essential. Learning to navigate relationships, own mistakes, get things wrong and try again—those are risky things. But they’re also where all the good stuff happens.

The real challenge is working out which risks to mitigate and which ones to allow. That space where they can stumble and grow—that’s the uncomfortable magic zone.

This is where the real parenting shift happens. You begin to give them space to try. You observe—not to pounce or correct, but to understand where they’re at. And when they stall or struggle—often signalled by inaction or vague mumbling—you resist the urge to jump in and take over (Even when every part of you is screaming, “Just let me do it so we can all go to bed!”).

Instead, you support quietly. You coach, offer encouragement, maybe some tools or a second chance. But you leave room for them to find their own way forward. The goal is to remain alongside them, offering guidance and tools, rather than directing every step from above.

Confidence comes and goes for every parent. Most of us are learning as we go, adjusting course with each new challenge. What really anchors you is being clear on your role, knowing your values, and understanding what growth actually looks like. That clarity helps you show up with steadiness, even when the path ahead feels messy or unknown.

Rather than striving for the perfect response, it’s far more powerful to stay grounded in what matters—especially in those uncomfortable, unpredictable moments.

It takes practice and some clarity of focus. And it’s a whole lot easier when you’ve got someone helping you zoom out and stay on course.

So What Does This Mean for Responsibility?

If your teen isn’t stepping up, dragging them harder usually won’t help. But before labelling them unmotivated or immature, it’s worth asking a deeper question—”Have I actually handed over responsibility, or have I just demanded it while keeping control?”

Teenagers develop responsibility by doing, not by being told to be responsible. That means letting them face tasks, feel the weight of consequences, and make choices—without constant interference. And that’s hard, especially when your brain is whispering all the worst-case scenarios and your fear wants to step in and “fix” things.

So start there.

Start by spotting when fear is in the driver’s seat—when your responses are more about avoiding disaster than building trust. Start noticing when you jump in too quickly, correct too often, or take over without being asked. These are the little moments where fear takes up space that could be used for growth.

Managing your fear is one of the most powerful ways to help your teen learn to manage their life. Responsibility thrives in the space we create when we’re brave enough to let go—just enough for them to step in.

And if letting go feels harder than it sounds, that’s okay. Sometimes it takes a bit of support to learn new ways of parenting that aren’t built on fear. Coaching can help you shift old patterns, build clarity, and step into a calmer, more intentional approach—one that works for you and your teen. And if that approach occasionally involves muttering “this is fine” while watching them butter toast with a steak knife—you’re probably right on track.

You knew this day was coming. Your teen has that look—the one that says, I’m about to make an unreasonable demand, and I expect you to cave.

“Mum, Dad, I NEED Instagram. Literally everyone at school is on it. If I don’t have it, I won’t know what’s going on. I’ll have NO friends.”

Right. Because friendship is now entirely dependent on whether or not you can post a filtered picture of your lunch.

I get it.

Social media is a minefield for parents. You’ve seen the headlines: Social Media is Destroying Our Teens!Instagram is Ruining Their Self-Esteem! TikTok is Rewiring Their Brains!

But at the same time, you don’t want to socially exile your kid. If every other 14-year-old is Snapchatting their way through life, does banning it mean your kid is automatically out?

A Balancing Act—But Let’s Be Clear, It’s Not 50/50

If social media weren’t so deeply woven into teenage social life, this wouldn’t even be a debate. We’d all just delay it as long as possible and call it a day.

But the reality is, social media is where teens coordinate meetups, stay in the loop, and feel connected to their friends—and that’s why parents hesitate to pull the plug.

The challenge isn’t whether to limit social media (you should).

The real question is how to make sure your teen stays socially connected without relying on an algorithm to do it for them.

A social life isn’t something that needs to be outsourced to TikTok or Snapchat—it’s something they can build for themselves, with the right guidance.

The Science is Clear: Delaying Social Media is the Best Option

If you’re unsure about keeping your younger teen off social media, don’t be. The research isn’t mixed. It’s not up for debate. Social media platforms weren’t built for teen well-being—they were designed to keep them scrolling.

• • Teen brains are wired for dopamine, and social media delivers it on demand. Adolescents are already primed to seek out novelty and validation—social media hijacks that process by serving up an endless stream of likes, comments, and notifications. The more they engage, the more they crave, and the harder it becomes to self-regulate.

• • Identity formation is happening in real-time, and social media distorts it. Teenagers are still figuring out who they are, but social media pressures them to define themselves publicly, instantly, and for an audience. The constant exposure to filtered, curated versions of other people’s lives shapes their self-perception in ways they’re not even aware

• • There’s growing evidence that heavy social media use is linked to declining mental health. Increasing research suggests a correlation between excessive time on these platforms and higher rates of anxiety and depression—especially in teenage girls. While the full picture is complex and still emerging, one thing is clear: social media isn’t helping.

• • Social media isn’t just a platform—it’s a business model, and your teen is the product. These apps aren’t passive tools—they’re engineered to be addictive. Every aspect, from infinite scroll to autoplay videos, is designed to keep users engaged for as long as possible. The more time they spend on the app, the more data they generate, the more ads they see, and the more profitable they become. Social media isn’t competing with other apps; it’s competing with real lif

• • It’s an open floodgate of adult content, toxic ideologies, and things they’re not ready for. Even with parental controls, social media exposes teens to a cesspit of unrealistic beauty standards, extreme worldviews, sexualized content, and online predators. The idea that they’ll only see what’s “appropriate” is a myth—the algorithm doesn’t care about their well-being, only their engagement.

• • Even governments are stepping in. Australia has introduced legislation seeking to ban social media for under-16s, recognizing that the risks outweigh the rewards. This isn’t just parents overreacting—it’s a growing global concern.

Bottom line? If your gut tells you to delay social media for your teen, you’re not being extreme—you’re being wise.

Why Parents Hesitate to Ban Social Media (And How to Handle It)

If keeping younger teens off social media is clearly the best option, why do so many parents hesitate? Because the struggle is real.

We’re not just talking about a few eye rolls or passive-aggressive sighs. The pressure is intense—not just from your teen but from society itself.

Here’s what makes this so difficult:

• • Fear of social exclusion. You worry that if your teen doesn’t have social media, they’ll be left out of group chats, inside jokes, and event invites. And let’s be honest—some of that is true.

• • Peer pressure (for parents, too). When every other family allows their 14-year-old on Snapchat, it’s tough to be the “mean” parent saying no.

• • The ‘sneaky workaround’ problem. If you ban it completely, will your teen just create a secret account on a friend’s phone? (Funny how a kid who ‘forgets’ to submit homework can suddenly become an IT genius when there’s a rule to get around.)

• • It’s exhausting to constantly police it. Enforcing a total ban means always being the social media gatekeeper, which—let’s be real—is tiring.

And even if you do lay down the law, you know what’s coming next: the counterattack. The “but EVERYONE else is allowed!” speech, the dire warnings of impending social doom, the sheer disbelief that you could be so deeply, catastrophically unfair. By the time they’re done, you half expect to see them packing a bag, ready to leave home in protest.

So What’s the Answer? Creative Solutions, Not Just Restrictions

Instead of treating social media as a simple yes-or-no decision, it’s more effective to approach it with flexibility and strategy. A straight-up ban might feel like the safest move, but without a plan for alternative ways to stay connected, it can backfire—either pushing teens to sneak around the rules or leaving them feeling genuinely disconnected.

On the other hand, full access without guardrails? That’s like handing them the car keys before they’ve learned to drive.

The real challenge isn’t just about social exclusion—it’s about how teens maintain digital connections without falling into the wellbeing traps of social media. They don’t just use Instagram or Snapchat to chat; they use them to coordinate meetups, share inside jokes, and keep friendships going outside of school hours.

The good news is, that kind of connection doesn’t have to happen on addictive, algorithm-driven platforms.

This is where parents can take the lead—not by giving in, but by helping teens find ways to stay socially engaged without relying on the very apps designed to keep them hooked.

Alternative Strategies: Socializing Without Social Media

Teenagers don’t need social media to stay socially connected—but they do need ways to keep up with friends without getting sucked into endless scrolling, influencer hype, or viral nonsense. The good news? There are plenty of smarter, healthier ways for them to stay in the loop without letting social media take over their lives.

 1. Limited Access Instead of a Full Ban

For some families, a phased approach helps bridge the gap between banning and unrestricted use:

• Allow messaging-only access: WhatsApp, iMessage, or Messenger for communication—but without TikTok’s endless scroll or Instagram’s algorithmic comparison trap.
• Private accounts only: Keeping it limited to real-life friends removes the pressure of public performance.
• Time-limited use: Defining specific times they can access social media prevents constant distraction.

This approach lets teens keep up with their friends without falling into the worst parts of social media. They can still share memes, coordinate plans, and stay in the loop without spending hours absorbing influencer drama, doom-scrolling bad news, or getting sucked into the latest “lick a toilet seat for views” challenge. It’s about connection—not consumption.

2. Shift to Controlled Digital Spaces (No Discord, No Snapchat!)

Instead of throwing them into the chaotic world of Snapchat or Discord, encourage safer alternatives:

• Group chats via WhatsApp, iMessage, or even old-school SMS: No algorithm, no random strangers—just direct communication.
• FaceTime, Zoom, or gaming voice chats: These promote real conversations rather than passive social media lurking.

The goal here isn’t to cut them off from their social world—it’s to help them stay engaged in a way that doesn’t rewire their brain for short-form dopamine hits. Socializing should be about actual interaction, not mindlessly scrolling a feed full of people they barely know. If your teen’s main concern is staying connected with friends, they don’t need an endless stream of influencers, drama, and viral nonsense to do that.

3. Encourage “Hybrid” Socializing (Mix Digital & Real Life)

Rather than banning screens altogether, balance their social life with both online and in-person interactions:

• Suggest FaceTiming friends instead of DMing. It’s social, but without the toxic side of likes and shares.
• Encourage shared digital projects—art, coding, music collabs—so they’re creating, not just consuming.
• Use tech to plan meetups rather than just discussing them. Let social media enhance real connections, not replace them.

Digital connection isn’t the enemy—mindless, algorithm-driven engagement is. The key is making sure your teen’s social life is active, not passive—built on real conversations and shared experiences rather than endless scrolling, influencer worship, or jumping on whatever mind-numbing challenge is trending that week.

When social media is used intentionally rather than automatically, it stops being a trap and starts being a tool.

Talking to Your Teen About Social Media

Setting limits on social media works best when teens understand the reasons behind them. If the conversation starts with “I’m banning Instagram because it’s bad for you”, you can bet it’s going to end with slammed doors, exasperated sighs, and an emergency group chat where your teen informs their friends they now live in a digital dictatorship.

A better approach? Start with a conversation, not a crackdown. Instead of imposing limits, discuss them. Ask questions. Listen. Give them a chance to express what they actually want from social media—and help them see the bigger picture beyond just “everyone else has it.”

Questions to Ask Your Teen (That Actually Spark a Discussion)

Instead of starting with “Social media is bad, and here’s why”, start by asking them questions that help them reflect on their own experience.

“What do you actually like about social media?”
(Is it chatting with friends? Watching funny videos? Keeping up with trends?)

“When do you feel good using social media, and when does it stress you out?”
(This helps them recognize the difference between healthy and unhealthy use.)

“If you could design social media yourself, what would you change?”
(Teens know these platforms aren’t perfect. This helps them think critically about how social media is designed.)

“How do you feel when you step away from social media for a while?”
(This can help them recognize they don’t need to be on it 24/7 to stay connected.)

“Do you follow things that help or hurt your mental health?”
(Encourages them to think about what’s actually in their feed—does it make them feel inspired and happy, or insecure and anxious?)

“Do you know how much time you’re actually spending on social media?”
(Many teens underestimate their usage. Encourage them to check their screen time reports—you might both be shocked.)

“Is social media helping or hindering you from enjoying other areas of life?”
(Does it help them stay connected in a healthy way, or is it pulling them away from hobbies, sports, school, or even just relaxing without a screen?)

These kinds of questions help teens feel heard, rather than just lectured. And once they’ve opened up, you’ve got an opportunity to share some key insights that might actually land.

What to Share With Your Teen (So They Actually Listen)

Social media is designed to be addictive. It’s not an accident that they find themselves scrolling for hours. Algorithms are built to keep them engaged for as long as possible—because that’s how these platforms make money. (Yes, including TikTok’s “For You” page that somehow knows them better than their own family.)

Most influencers don’t live like that. The people they see online aren’t just “naturally that perfect”—they’ve got filters, lighting setups, editing software, and sometimes even plastic surgery. Social media isn’t real life—it’s a highlight reel.

Not everything that goes viral is worth your time. The latest challenge might seem funny, but social media rewards the most extreme, attention-grabbing content—which is why so many trends range from mildly embarrassing to downright dangerous.

FOMO isn’t a good reason to stay glued to your phone. Just because something is happening online doesn’t mean they have to be there for it. Real friendships don’t rely on constant notifications.

Constant connection isn’t healthy—sometimes you need space. Social media makes it feel like you always have to be available, always in the loop. But not every message, argument, or social crisis needs an instant response. Stepping away for a few hours isn’t “ignoring friends”—it’s protecting your own mental space. Some of the best decisions (and biggest friendship dramas) make a lot more sense after a little time offline.

Defining a Plan WITH Your Teen

So, you’ve had the talk. You’ve asked the right questions. You’ve gently guided them toward seeing social media for what it is—a bottomless pit of influencer nonsense, weirdly specific ads, and the occasional cat in a cowboy hat.

Now comes the next step: actually setting up a plan.

They may not love the idea of limits, but here’s the thing—teenagers love a negotiation. Give them a little say in how things play out, and they’ll be far more likely to actually follow the plan (instead of immediately plotting how to get around it).

Start by asking:

• “What’s the main reason you want to be on social media?” (Friends? Entertainment? Keeping up with trends?)
• “What would be a reasonable way to make sure social media doesn’t interfere with your real-life friendships and responsibilities?”
• “If we set some guidelines together, what would feel fair to you?”

They’ll probably push back. They might act like they’re negotiating world peace. But by involving them, you’re making it far more likely they’ll actually respect the plan instead of treating it like some unfair decree handed down from The Powers That Be (i.e., you).

This is where you lean on the smarter alternatives—the ones that keep them socially connected without handing them over to an app that’s been tracking their every move since they first googled “cool sneakers” three months ago.

• Messaging-only access—WhatsApp, iMessage, or even (gasp) old-school SMS group chats
• FaceTime instead of Snapchat streaks—because actual conversations are better than 200 days of sending blurry forehead selfies.
• Creative digital projects—music collabs, gaming with friends, anything that creates rather than consumes

The key message? You can stay connected without being consumed. Social media isn’t a necessity for having friendships, and a strong plan makes sure they don’t fall into the trap of doom-scrolling their youth away while influencers try to sell them collagen water.

Another way to make social media limits more acceptable? Encourage your teen to talk to their friends about it. If they’re feeling left out, chances are they’re not the only one wishing there was a better way to stay in touch without being glued to an app.

Ask them:

•  “If you and your friends could set the rules, what would they be?”
• “Could you all agree to use a group chat instead of social media?”
• “Would your friends be up for FaceTiming instead of scrolling TikTok in silence?”

When teens work together, it shifts the dynamic—instead of feeling like the only one without social media, they become part of the solution. If even a few friends agree to an alternative, suddenly, social connection doesn’t have to rely on Snapchat streaks or Instagram likes.

Because really—if anyone is going to create a new social trend, it’s teenagers. Who knows? Maybe they’ll be the generation that brings back actual phone calls.

Gradual Social Media Training

You wouldn’t hand a 13-year-old a high-limit credit card and expect them to magically manage money responsibly. They’d start with smaller lessons—how to budget, how to save, how to avoid scams—before trusting them with real financial independence. Social media should be no different.

If your teen isn’t on social media yet, delaying is still the best move. But if they’re already using it, or if you’re preparing for eventual access, a phased approach can help them build digital skills gradually, instead of diving in headfirst.

Here’s a social media training plan that eases them into responsible use:

🚦 Ages 13-14: No social media, messaging-only

• Focus on direct communication (WhatsApp, iMessage, SMS group chats) instead of algorithm-driven feeds.
• Teach healthy digital habits (screen time limits, understanding online privacy).
• Use this time to have real conversations about social media before they’re on it.

🟡 Ages 15-16: Limited access with guardrails

• Private accounts only—no strangers, no public sharing.
• Set clear time limits to prevent endless scrolling.
• Parent check-ins—not to snoop, but to help them reflect on how social media affects their mood and choices.
• Content literacy training—teaching them how to spot misinformation, unhealthy comparison traps, and algorithm-driven manipulation.

🟢 Ages 17+: Self-regulated use, digital literacy focus

• By this stage, they should be practicing self-control (with parental support as needed).
• Encourage discussions—not just about what they see online, but how it makes them feel.
• Shift from rule enforcement to coaching—help them develop the skills they’ll need to manage social media independently as young adults.

Think of it as a learner’s permit for social media. You don’t just throw them onto the freeway on their first day behind the wheel—you build their skills, one step at a time.

Parents, Talk to Each Other

Even when you know something is the right thing to do, being the only one doing it is hard—for you and for your kid. It’s one thing to set boundaries, but when every other parent seems to be handing over unrestricted TikTok access, suddenly, your rules feel less like a good decision and more like a social death sentence for your teen.

But here’s the thing—you’re probably not the only parent struggling with this.

A lot of parents don’t love the idea of their 13-year-old living in an algorithm-driven vortex, but because nobody talks about it, everyone assumes they’re the only one enforcing limits. And that’s how we all end up caving.

Solution? Start talking. Find like-minded parents and agree on some shared boundaries. If a group of you holds the line together, it instantly reduces the “but EVERYONE else is allowed!” argument. Because suddenly? Not everyone else is.

This doesn’t mean forming some strict anti-social media coalition—no one’s saying you need to host secret meetings in dimly lit basements. It just means connecting with other parents and getting on the same page. Some ways to do that:

• Casual group chats with other parents—“Hey, are you guys allowing Instagram yet?”
• Talking to parents at school events—if you’re all worried, why not back each other up?
• Parent email lists or Facebook groups—yes, we’re aware of the irony here.

Having even a couple of other families on board makes all the difference. It takes the pressure off your teen and off you—because suddenly, it’s not just your rule, it’s a shared expectation.

Parents, —Are We Any Better?

It’s easy to tell teens to put their phones down and be present—but let’s be honest, are we doing the same? If we’re scrolling Instagram while telling them they don’t need social media, that argument is going to land about as well as a WiFi outage during a Fortnite tournament.

Teenagers are hyper-aware of double standards, and if they see us glued to screens, they’ll assume constant connectivity is just how life works. The best way to encourage healthier digital habits? Model them.

• Put the phone away during meals—If we expect teens to have screen-free time, we should too.
• Be intentional with social media use—Are we scrolling mindlessly or actually engaging with content that matters?
• Talk about our own struggles with digital habits—Teens appreciate honesty. If we admit that even we get sucked in sometimes, it opens the door for real conversations rather than lectures.

None of this means parents have to be perfect. But when we set limits for them while refusing to check our own habits, we lose credibility fast.

And if there’s one thing more dangerous than social media, it’s a teenager with a valid critique of their parents. They can smell hypocrisy a mile away, and trust me—you do not want to hand them that kind of rhetorical ammunition.

Social Life Without Social Media?

If it feels like social media is the only way for your teen to stay connected, remember—that’s exactly what these platforms want you to believe. But teenagers were forming friendships, making plans, and finding their people long before Snapchat streaks and TikTok trends existed.

That doesn’t mean this is easy. The dilemma is real, and the pressure is relentless. Your teen might push back, you might second-guess yourself, and there will be days when it feels like an impossible battle. That’s okay. You don’t need to be a perfect parent—just a patient and intentional one.

Setting limits and having honest, respectful conversations takes courage, especially when it feels like you’re the only one doing it. But those conversations matter. When you take the time to listen, explain, and explore creative alternatives together, you’re not just setting rules—you’re teaching them how to make smart choices for themselves.

This isn’t an easy decision, and it won’t always feel like you’ve nailed it. But by staying involved, keeping the conversations open, and guiding rather than just restricting, you’re building something lasting. Social media trends will come and go—but the skills and awareness you’re helping your teen develop will stay with them for life.

Welcome to the tween years, or as I like to refer to it “Peak Awkward!”

Those precious years between childhood and teenagerhood, typically from ages 9 to 12. It’s a period of rapid development and change, both physically and emotionally.

When your sweet little child transforms into a gangly, uncoordinated, moody, and often volatile mix of body odour and bad fashion sense.

If you’re finding yourself bewildered and occasionally pulling your hair out, don’t worry – you’re not alone.  Parenting tweens can be a somewhat bemusing and frustrating adventure, but with the right strategies, a lot of patience, and a sense of humour, you can make it through this stage intact – as might your tween.

Did I mention you will need a lot of patience?

Part 1: Understanding the Tween Years

Understanding what to expect during the tween years can empower you to navigate this stage with confidence, turning bewildering moments into opportunities for growth and connection- and it might help you with your patience.

Here’s a glimpse into the unique world of tweens:

 Rapid Physical Growth

One of the most visible changes during the tween years is their rapid physical growth. You might find yourself constantly buying new clothes and shoes because your child has outgrown their old ones seemingly overnight. This can be both amusing and frustrating, especially when it feels like you just bought that pair of sneakers a month ago.

This rapid growth can make tweens feel awkward. Their limbs might seem too long for their bodies, and they may struggle with coordination. It’s common for them to feel self-conscious about these changes, particularly if they are earlier or later than their peers in hitting growth milestones.

Tweens are highly aware of their bodies and can be very sensitive to how they look compared to others. This is a critical time for building a positive body image. Encouraging healthy habits, avoiding negative comments about weight or appearance, and fostering a positive attitude towards their changing bodies can help.

With rapid growth comes increased nutritional needs. Tweens often experience changes in their appetites, sometimes eating significantly more as their bodies demand extra fuel for development.

During growth spurts, tweens might suddenly seem insatiable, constantly raiding the fridge and asking for more food at mealtimes. Their bodies are using up more energy to support the rapid growth of bones, muscles, and organs. It’s not unusual for parents to be caught off guard by how much their tween can eat.

While it’s important to guide their eating habits, avoid turning mealtimes into a battleground. Offer healthy choices and let them have some control over their food preferences within reason. This can help them develop a positive relationship with food and their bodies.

Adolescent Brain Development: A Work in Progress

During the tween years, your child’s brain is undergoing significant changes, particularly in areas responsible for emotions and decision-making.

The prefrontal cortex, which governs rational thinking, impulse control, and planning, is still very much a work in progress. Because this area is still maturing, tweens often lean more heavily on the amygdala—the brain’s emotional centre. This reliance on the amygdala can lead to more intense and impulsive reactions, especially when it comes to fear, frustration, or aggression.

Your tween may experience emotions more intensely and react in ways that might seem out of proportion to the situation. These dramatic mood swings and emotional outbursts are common and are largely due to their brains not yet being fully equipped to process and regulate these strong emotions.

Understanding this neurological basis for their behaviour can help you approach these moments with greater patience and empathy, knowing that your tween is still learning how to navigate their emotional world.

At the same time, the under-construction prefrontal cortex means that tweens can struggle with planning, organization, and decision-making. You might notice them being forgetful, having difficulty keeping track of assignments, or making decisions that seem illogical.

This vagueness and disorganization are not signs of laziness or a lack of effort but rather a reflection of their brain’s developmental stage. As a parent, offering gentle guidance, setting clear expectations, and helping them develop organizational strategies can make a big difference in supporting them through this phase of cognitive growth.

Cognitive Changes

Cognitive development during the tween years includes a shift from concrete to more abstract thinking. They start to understand complex concepts, think about future possibilities, and consider multiple perspectives. This cognitive leap is exciting but can also lead to a lot of questioning and curiosity.

Tweens begin to question everything around them. Why do we have to follow certain rules? Why is the sky blue? These questions are a sign that their brains are developing critical thinking skills. Encouraging this curiosity can help them develop a love for learning.

As they start to think more abstractly, tweens also begin to form their own opinions. They may challenge your views and engage in debates, often with a surprising level of logic and passion. While this can be challenging for parents, it’s important to respect their opinions and encourage healthy discussions.

Despite their growing cognitive abilities, tweens often think in absolute, black-and-white terms. They may struggle with nuance and see situations as either completely right or entirely wrong. This type of thinking can make it difficult for them to understand complex issues or see multiple sides of an argument.

To help them navigate this phase, encourage critical thinking and expose them to different perspectives. Discuss scenarios that require them to consider various factors and potential outcomes. This can help them develop a more nuanced understanding of the world.

When they express black-and-white views, guide them gently towards considering other possibilities. Ask questions like, “What if there’s more to the story?” or “How might someone else see this situation?” This approach can help them gradually shift from absolute thinking to more flexible and critical thinking patterns (note I put emphasis on gradually.)

Whatever you do, don’t get into an argument with a Tweenager. While their thinking is getting more sophisticated it still has limits. And given their increasing propensity to big emotions, you will never achieve a constructive outcome arguing with your tweenager. Just let them be. You don’t need the last word, and they don’t need any more fuel for their already volatile mood.

Emotional Intensity

As puberty begins, the surge of hormones can trigger intense emotions and sudden mood swings in tweens. One moment, they might be cheerful and chatty, and the next, they’re sulking in their room, overwhelmed by feelings they may not fully understand.

These emotional swings are not only a natural part of their hormonal changes but are also influenced by the ongoing brain development that makes them more prone to experiencing emotions with greater intensity.

These extreme shifts in mood can be amplified by social and relational issues, such as conflicts with friends or struggles to fit in with peers.

It’s not uncommon for these hormonal and brain-driven changes to lead to emotional outbursts. Tweens might cry over seemingly minor issues or react intensely to small frustrations, leaving both them and you feeling drained.

Providing a safe space for them to express their emotions and guiding them towards healthy coping mechanisms can help them manage these overwhelming feelings.

During this tumultuous period, approaching your tween with empathy and understanding is key.

Reassure them that it’s okay to experience a wide range of emotions and that you’re there to support them through it all. Open communication about their feelings can be a powerful tool in helping them navigate these challenging years.

Identity Exploration

Tweens embark on a significant journey of self-discovery as they try to figure out who they are and where they fit in the world. This phase of identity exploration is crucial, as it lays the foundation for their future self-concept and values.

During this time, you may notice your tween experimenting with different clothing styles, hairstyles, and interests. One week they might be passionate about sports, and the next, they could be drawn to music or art. This experimentation is a normal part of their development as they explore various aspects of their identity.

Along with changes in style and interests, you might also observe shifts in their behaviour. Tweens may adopt new mannerisms, slang, or attitudes influenced by peers or media figures. While these changes can sometimes be confusing or concerning for parents, they are typically temporary phases of exploration.

Role models, whether they are celebrities, teachers, family members, or fictional characters, also play a significant role during this time. These figures shape your tween’s aspirations and values, so encouraging positive role models can help guide their identity formation in healthy directions.

Friendships become even more central to their lives, and peers can significantly influence their sense of identity. Your tween might try to fit in with different groups as they search for where they feel most comfortable. It’s important to support them through these social changes while helping them understand the importance of staying true to themselves.

Encouraging your tween to express themselves creatively, whether through art, writing, music, or sports, is a vital way for them to explore and solidify their identity. Providing opportunities for them to try new activities and hobbies can also be beneficial.

Having open, non-judgmental conversations about their interests, values, and feelings can help them navigate this complex period. By listening actively, asking questions, and showing genuine interest in their evolving sense of self, you can strengthen your relationship and give them confidence in their identity exploration.

Social Shifts

During the tween years, friendships take on a new level of importance as tweens begin to rely more on their peers for support and validation. They often form close-knit groups, and these friendships quickly become central to their social lives.

Encouraging positive relationships while being there to guide them through the ups and downs of these new connections is essential. As friendships become more crucial, peer pressure also starts to play a more significant role.

Tweens are highly sensitive to what their friends think and do, and they may feel a strong need to conform to fit in. It’s important to teach them how to make independent decisions and stand up for themselves in these situations.

As they grow, tweens naturally start seeking more independence from their parents, which can sometimes feel like they’re pulling away. This desire for independence is a normal and healthy part of their development. Allowing them some freedom, while still maintaining clear boundaries, helps them feel trusted and responsible.

However, finding the right balance between granting independence and providing guidance can be tricky. Giving too much freedom might lead to risky behaviours, while too much control could stifle their growth. Striving for a middle ground where they feel empowered to make choices while also understanding the consequences of their actions is key.

Part 2: Strategies for Surviving (and Thriving) the Tween Years

Now that we’ve explored what makes tweens unique, let’s look at what your tween needs from you to make these years the best they can be.

Before we get to that, however, let me make it simple as to what you will need during the tween years.

Basically, as the parent of a tweenager you need three things;

• Truckloads of patience
• A daily reminder that much of this behaviour will ease up in a few years
• A really good sense of humour (accompanied with the ability to suppress laughter.)

Communication is Key

Effective communication is the cornerstone of a strong parent-tween relationship, and keeping the lines of communication open is crucial during these awkward years.

Encourage conversation by regularly asking about their day, their friends, and their interests. Show genuine curiosity and make it clear that you care about what’s happening in their world- even if you get met with indifference and disdain – keep engaging.

This doesn’t mean every conversation has to be a deep, heart-to-heart talk; often, the most meaningful exchanges happen in the context of everyday moments. Whether you’re driving them to a practice, preparing dinner together, or simply hanging out in the living room, these are opportunities to engage in casual, relaxed conversations that can strengthen your connection.

Listening without judgment is essential in fostering an environment where your tween feels comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings. Avoid jumping to conclusions or immediately offering solutions; instead, focus on understanding their perspective.

By doing so, you create a safe space where they know they can express themselves without fear of criticism or dismissal. This approach not only helps them feel respected but also encourages them to continue coming to you with their concerns, knowing that you’re there to listen rather than lecture.

Validation Of Emotions

Validating their feelings is another critical component of effective communication. Tweens are often navigating a complex emotional landscape, and their reactions may sometimes seem exaggerated or irrational.

However, it’s important to acknowledge their emotions rather than dismiss them. This includes not laughing (although sometimes very difficult), not escalating with your own emotional reaction, and not saying or implying to an emotional tween they are over-reacting.

A simple statement like, “I understand you’re upset,” can go a long way in making them feel heard and respected. Validation doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything they say or do, but it does mean recognizing their emotions as real and important in that moment. This acknowledgment helps them feel secure in expressing their feelings and reassures them that their emotions matter to you.

Allowing your tween plenty of time to calm down before you try to talk or process the issue will save you and your teen a lot of time and energy!

Talk About Change

Talking calmly and openly about the physical changes associated with puberty is also an essential part of maintaining open communication with your tween.

Normalise these conversations by discussing the changes they’re experiencing in a matter-of-fact way, which helps reduce any embarrassment or anxiety they might feel. Whether it’s about growth spurts, acne, body odour, sexuality, or menstruation, approach these topics with sensitivity and reassurance. Let them know that these changes are a normal part of growing up and that everyone goes through them.

By addressing these physical changes calmly and without judgment, you create a safe space for them to ask questions and express any concerns they may have. This not only helps them feel more comfortable with their developing bodies but also reinforces your role as a trusted source of support and information.

Boundaries Are Vital

While tweens crave more independence and often push against parental control, they still need structure and boundaries to feel secure. This is a natural part of their development as they seek to establish their own identity separate from their parents.

Setting clear, consistent boundaries helps tweens understand expectations and limits. Clearly communicate your household rules and the reasons behind them. This can include guidelines around screen time, chores, homework, curfews, and social activities.

The key to boundary setting is consistency!

Consistency in enforcing rules is crucial. Inconsistent boundaries can lead to confusion and testing of limits. Stick to the established rules and follow through with consequences, when necessary, but ensure the consequences are fair and related to the behaviour.

Finding the right balance between granting freedom and enforcing rules can be challenging. Allow your tween to make choices within the boundaries you’ve set. For example, let them decide how to manage their time within the limits of completing homework and household responsibilities.

As tweens seek more independence, involve them in discussions about rules and boundaries. Negotiating and compromising on certain rules can help them feel respected and more willing to adhere to guidelines. This also teaches them important skills in communication and problem-solving.

Boundaries provide a sense of safety and security, even if tweens resist them. They need to know that there are limits to ensure their well-being. Explain that rules are there not to control them but to keep them safe and to help them develop responsible behaviours (they won’t believe you or be any more agreeable, but it is an important message to keep sending.)

Acknowledge and reward positive behaviour. Positive reinforcement can be more effective than punishment in encouraging boundary keeping. Praise their efforts and successes in following guidelines and making responsible choices.

Foster Independence

Give your tween opportunities to take on responsibilities that come with increased freedom, such as managing their own schedule, budgeting their allowance, or taking care of a pet.

These responsibilities not only teach them accountability but also help them understand the importance of following rules and meeting expectations. When they are entrusted with tasks that matter, they begin to see themselves as capable and trustworthy, which is essential for their self-esteem.

In addition to responsibilities, offering choices whenever possible gives your tween a sense of control over their life. This could involve letting them choose their clothes, select activities, or decide how they want to spend their free time.

By giving them the power to make decisions, you’re helping them develop critical thinking skills and learn how to weigh options and consequences. These small, everyday choices lay the groundwork for more significant decisions they will face in the future.

Nurture Their Interests

Supporting your tween’s interests is another important aspect of fostering independence. Encourage them to explore new hobbies and activities, whether it’s sports, music, art, or coding.

Showing genuine interest in their passions not only strengthens your bond but also helps them build confidence as they discover and develop their talents. Engaging in activities they enjoy can also provide a positive outlet for stress and a sense of achievement as they master new skills.

Furthermore, fostering independence involves allowing your tween to experience the natural consequences of their decisions, within a safe and supportive environment. While it’s tempting to step in and fix their mistakes, it’s important to let them learn from these experiences. This approach helps them understand the real-world impact of their choices and builds resilience as they navigate challenges.

By guiding them with encouragement and providing the tools they need to succeed, you’re setting the foundation for a responsible and independent young adult who feels confident in their ability to manage their own life.

Fostering independence in your tween is crucial for their development into a responsible and self-assured individual.

Supporting with Structure and Flexibility

As tweens navigate the ups and downs of this developmental stage, it’s crucial for parents to be proactive in creating structures that support their growth while allowing room for independence.

One of the key areas where they need help is in organization. With their brains still developing, especially in areas like planning and decision-making, tweens often struggle to keep track of tasks and responsibilities.

As a parent, you can assist by setting up organizational aids, such as calendars, to-do lists, or reminder apps that can help them stay on top of their schoolwork and other obligations.

Simple prompts, like gentle reminders about upcoming deadlines or daily routines, can also go a long way in helping them manage their time more effectively.

What won’t help your tween, or you, is you resorting to nagging them constantly. Simple rules for helping tweens get stuff done without nagging:

• Short term instructions only
• One instruction at a time
• Routine activities need fixed prompts or foolproof structures set up in advance
• Allow generous amounts of time – expect nothing will happen quickly

Give Them Privacy

Privacy is another area that becomes increasingly important as tweens seek to establish their own identity. While it’s natural for parents to want to stay involved in their children’s lives, it’s equally important to respect their need for personal space.

Whether it’s ensuring they have a private place to retreat to at home or allowing them some autonomy in their online activities, showing respect for their privacy can help build trust and support their growing sense of independence.

Teach Problem Solving

Tweens will also benefit from your assistance when they face a problem that is getting the better of them. Guide them in thinking through possible solutions rather than providing the answers.  This builds their problem-solving skills and confidence.

They will often need you to help them break problems down into smaller parts. Work with your tween to consider multiple possible outcomes – often tweens not great at doing this. And they will need you to regularly, and gently, remind them that world isn’t ending due to whatever problem they are facing.

Let Them Sleep

Maintaining healthy sleep patterns is also vital during the tween years, as their bodies and brains are growing rapidly and need adequate rest to function optimally. Encourage regular bedtimes and create an environment conducive to sleep, such as limiting screen time before bed and keeping the bedroom quiet and comfortable.

By establishing these routines, you can help your tween get the rest they need to cope with the challenges of this developmental stage. Because the only thing more difficult than a moody tween is a tired moody tween.

Incorporating these structures and allowances into daily life provides a supportive framework that acknowledges the unique challenges tweens face, helping them develop the skills and habits they need to thrive.

Stay In The Loop

Being an active presence in your tween’s life is crucial as they navigate the complexities of this life stage.  Even though you might feel like your teen wants you around less, they need you to have a clear and stable presence in their world.

Getting to know their friends and their friends’ parents is an important aspect of staying involved. As tweens begin to form close friendships, understanding their social circle can give you insight into the influences shaping their behaviour and attitudes (like knowing who the kid who is teaching your darling to speak like that.)

This also creates a supportive community where parents can share information and strategies for navigating the tween years. Hosting gatherings or arranging group activities can help you build these connections and establish open lines of communication with other parents.

Talking openly about peer pressure is vital as tweens are particularly susceptible to the influence of their peers during this stage. Engage in regular discussions about the challenges they might face and the importance of making good choices.

Role-playing different scenarios can be an effective way to prepare them for real-life situations, giving them the tools they need to stand up for themselves and resist negative influences. Reinforce the idea that it’s okay to say no and that their self-worth isn’t tied to their friends’ opinions or actions.

Monitor Their Online Presence

In today’s digital age, monitoring social media use is an essential part of staying involved in your tween’s life. If they’re active on social media, set clear guidelines and regularly check in on their activity. Educate them about online safety, the potential risks of sharing personal information, and the importance of maintaining a positive digital footprint.

Encourage them to come to you with any concerns or uncomfortable situations they encounter online. By staying engaged with their online world, you can help them navigate the complexities of digital interactions while ensuring their safety.

(Note: I don’t recommend letting kids under 13 anywhere near social media. But I acknowledge it is happening so have made mention of it in this article.)

Be Their No.1 Fan

Another way to show your support is by attending their events (when you can), whether it’s a school play, sports game, or music recital. Your presence at these moments reinforces the message that you value their interests and take pride in their accomplishments.

They might not appreciate you praising them in front of their friends or giving them a hug while everyone is watching, but knowing you are there cheering them on can boost their confidence and strengthen your bond.

Additionally, consider creating opportunities for family time that align with their interests. Whether it’s watching a show together, engaging in a shared hobby, or simply spending time talking during a meal, these moments help maintain a strong connection as they become more independent.

Staying involved doesn’t mean hovering; it means being a steady, supportive presence in their lives, ready to guide them when needed and celebrate their growth along the way.

Take Care of Yourself

Parenting tweens can be exhausting with the constant unending rollercoaster of emotions, demands, and unexpected challenges.

As much as you focus on your tween’s needs, it’s equally important to prioritize your own well-being. Taking care of yourself isn’t just a luxury—it’s a necessity for maintaining the patience, energy, and positivity required to navigate these years successfully.

Remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup. Make sure to take time for yourself, whether it’s through hobbies, exercise, or just relaxing. A well-rested and happy parent is better at being a patient parent.

Don’t be afraid to seek support from other parents, friends, or professionals. Parenting isn’t meant to be done alone.

Embrace the Humour

Find the humour in everyday situations is also an important habit to cultivate. Tweens are awkward, unpredictable, and often unintentionally hilarious. Finding the funny side of these everyday moments not only eases tension but also strengthens your bond with your tween.

Note thought it is important to be laughing with your tween not at tween.  There is a fine line between sharing in the funny side, and offending or embarrassing your tweenager.

Laugh with your tween about your own silly mistakes or shortcomings. Show your tween that it’s okay to laugh at oneself and that setbacks or embarrassing moments aren’t the end of the world. By modelling the ability to smile at yourself, you teach them an invaluable life skill: the ability to find lightness even in challenging times.

Creating shared moments of happiness through laughter can help smooth the bumps in the road. Try to make sure there are still regular moments just to hang out and have some fun by watching a silly movie, playing some fun games, or just sharing dumb stuff that happened during your day.

Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff

Tweens are navigating a complex phase of life, and not everything will go perfectly.  There will plenty of changes, some of which will come out of nowhere.

So, it is vital that you choose your battles wisely and let go of the minor annoyances, like the messy room or the eye rolls.

Focus on the big picture—your relationship with your tween and their long-term growth. There will be plenty of big challenges and important issues to resolve, you won’t help your tween or yourself by trying to fix everything all at once.

Enjoy Parenting Your Tween

So, as you journey through the ups and downs of the tween years, remember that this is a truly unique and special time in your child’s life.

You’re witnessing them grow, develop, and start to carve out their own identity. While it can be challenging, it’s also a period filled with incredible moments of discovery, both for your tween and for you as a parent. Embrace the quirks, celebrate the milestones, and cherish the opportunity to guide your child as they blossom into the incredible individual they are becoming.

 

As parents, getting teenagers to talk can often feel like trying to master a long-forgotten art form.

One moment they’re sharing every detail of their day, and the next, they’re locked in their rooms, headphones on, completely unapproachable.

Getting a teenager to talk is like trying to untangle a power chord – frustrating, time-consuming, and just when you think you’ve made progress, it gets knotted up again.

Why is it like this? Well, that will likely remain a mystery. As parents, we accept it and try to connect when we can.

That is where this article aims to help by offering our 10 best strategies for getting teenagers to talk.

Whether you’re dealing with the silent treatment, talking to the hand, or navigating the extremes of indifference and intense emotions, this article aims to enhance your connection and foster better understanding.

So, take a deep breath and prepare to get your teenager talking.

Listen More Than You Talk

You have probably heard the saying, “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.” This saying is attributed to the Greek philosopher Epictetus. While I can’t confirm its origins (Greek philosophers aren’t frequent on my reading lists), I can confirm it’s a valuable rule of thumb.

Many parents have lamented to me about how difficult getting teenagers to talk can be. However, when I press them, they often can’t answer how much time and space they allow for listening to their teenagers.

Teenagers are more inclined to talk when parents are committed to listening.

The first suggestion I make to any parent struggling with getting teenagers to talk is to suggest they stop talking to their teenager. Not altogether, but drastically reduce the number of words coming out of their mouths.

Instead, I suggest parents greet their teenager, maybe ask a single question, and then allow for silence. It might feel awkward and scary, but it also might result in your teenager saying something.

When parents create space, they are often surprised by how their teenagers fill it. But often, parents are so worried about awkward silence that they fill it with their own words, questions, advice, and opinions, leaving no room for teenagers to speak.

Teens often need to feel heard rather than be given advice.

Sometimes flipping the parental model is helpful. Instead of seeing ourselves as dispensers of advice and wisdom, we might do better to see ourselves as sounding boards and receptors of our teenagers’ words and opinions.

Listen Well

One of the hardest things to learn is how to listen well. Listening well means being fully focused on hearing what the other person is saying. It sounds obvious, but obvious doesn’t mean it is common or easy.

The biggest enemy of listening well for most people, especially parents, is our need to be heard. When our kids are speaking, we are too often focused on formulating what we are going to say next, rather than being fully engaged in what they have to say.

We might think our kids need to hear our wisdom, so focusing on getting it right is important. The trouble is we risk missing what our kids are really trying to tell us. If your teen isn’t speaking to you that often, it would be a shame to miss any of what they have to say when they do speak.

A key to getting teenagers to talk is demonstrating to them that you can listen well.

Another challenge is being silent only because we are waiting for our turn to talk. Standing there, tapping your feet, waiting for your teenager to finish their long-winded explanation rarely equates to good listening.

Impatience doesn’t make us attentive or receptive.

It can be far more effective to surrender our need or right to speak and share and instead prioritize hearing our teens and encouraging them to talk. It doesn’t mean the quality of what they say will necessarily improve, but it does mean you are more likely to hear the important things. And when you hear the important things, you can connect with your teen about what is meaningful and helpful.

Make Time

Life is busy for all of us. Time is a precious resource that few of us seem to have in abundance. Making time for your teenager is not always easy. But while time is precious, so is your relationship with your teenager.

Finding space in the busyness of life to be around and available for your teenager might be difficult, but if you want to connect with your teen, it is vital.

In today’s fast-paced world, it’s easy to get caught up in distractions, but being truly present can make a significant difference. Set aside dedicated time to spend with your teen, free from interruptions like phones, TV, or work.

Your presence not only strengthens your bond but also encourages your teenager to share more openly and honestly.

Getting your teenager to talk requires some scheduling intent and discipline on your part. But it also drastically increases you chances of getting your teenager to talk.

Validation

No one likes to share something important with another person only to have it dismissed or downplayed.

Teenagers like it even less.

Adolescence is a time of big feelings, new realizations, and first-time experiences. Your teenager’s reaction to a particular situation may seem over the top to you, but that’s because you aren’t 15! You have lived long enough to know that this experience is not the end of the world but merely part of growing up. You have learned that the first few times it can feel overwhelming, but after 20 years, you realize it is a normal and frequent part of life.

Your teenager does not have the advantage of your life experience. For your teen, the experience, the emotion, the overwhelm, and the possible confusion and anxiety created are all very real.

Their perspective will improve over time, and they will become more accustomed to the feelings associated with life’s ups and downs.

Your teenager doesn’t need you to correct their understanding of what is happening. What they need from you at that moment is to be heard.

Nothing will benefit your young person more than having someone they trust acknowledge them and their current experience as genuine in the here and now.

You don’t have to agree. You don’t even have to think it is reasonable or rational. All you have to do is accept this is how they are experiencing things and let them know you understand and hear them.

What your teen does not need from you is for their experience or feelings to be minimized. Phrases like “I’m sure it’s not that bad” or “it is going to be okay” often don’t bring comfort. Rather, these types of phrases will leave a young person feeling dismissed, misunderstood, and less likely to share with you in the future.

Validation is key to getting teenagers to talk. By acknowledging their experiences without judgment, you help them feel accepted, which is essential for building trust and encouraging open communication.

Don’t Overreact

I often tell the true story of a young man being questioned about why he wouldn’t share details of his life with his mother. When he was asked, “Is it because you think she (his mother) doesn’t care?” The young man’s response is gold: “No, I don’t tell her because she will care too much!”

This response highlights a key challenge in getting teenagers to talk: parental over-reaction.

It is not only mothers who overreact, but anecdotal evidence suggests that while dads do overreact, it is more often mothers who overwhelm their young person by their care, concern, or enthusiasm.

I tell all parents, especially caring, concerned, loving mothers, when your teen shares something with you, “keep a poker face.” Not a stern, disinterested face, but a neutral, interested but not shocked, devastated, delighted, or jumping-over-the-moon type of face.

You can feel shocked, devastated, delighted, or over the moon inside, but you don’t have to express it right away.

You can do cartwheels on the inside, but on the outside, you should remain calm, cool, and collected.

Also, don’t let your desire to know everything result in a barrage of questions that turn a conversation into an interrogation.

Most adolescents struggle to deal with their own emotions; they rarely feel like managing their parents’ emotions.

Teenagers use a large amount of emotional energy dealing with everyday life. Choosing to use some of that scarce energy to share what is happening with a parent is an effort. Being required to deal with a parent’s overly emotional response is an effort they really would rather not have to make.

If your teen thinks you will turn their disclosure into an event or a drama, the benefit of telling you will be outweighed by the aftermath, so they will avoid talking to you.

Getting teenagers to talk requires creating a supportive environment where they feel safe to share without fearing an overwhelming emotional response from their parents. By maintaining a balanced demeanour and avoiding excessive probing, you foster a space where your teenager feels comfortable opening up.

Respect Their Space

Teenagers are not like toddlers. They don’t crave your attention or need you to play with them. They do need you, and they need to know you are available and there for them. But that doesn’t mean they want you in their presence constantly.

Your young person is learning to be who they are apart from you. To do that, they need space from you. Having space from you means not being near you or talking to you.

This is a hard reality for many parents. The feelings of sadness and loss that can emerge as teens become more distant are entirely valid.

But feeling sad doesn’t mean you should invade your teenager’s space.

Let them be.

As hard as it may be, let them come to you.

Pushing into their space and demanding they talk to you will usually have the opposite effect to what you are after.

Shared Activities

Your teenager will often communicate with you more freely while engaged in a shared activity.

Whether it’s playing sports, working on a project, cooking, shopping, or even watching a favourite show, spending time together for a reason other than talking will often result in your teen talking.

Having something enjoyable to do will help your teenager feel more relaxed, with the activity at hand being the primary focus of your attention rather than them.

It doesn’t even have to be overtly enjoyable; we all know how important car trips can be for finding out what’s on your teenager’s mind!

It might also be that your teenager thinks you are more relaxed, so now might be a good time to share something with you. (Also, teens might consider public settings safer as they minimize potentially explosive parental reactions.)

Finding things you can do with your teenager, or more correctly things your teenager will do with you, is one of the best strategies to increase the amount of talking between you and your teenager.

Keep Things Positive

It can be easy during the teenage years for the balance of interactions between parents and teenagers to become more negative than positive.

No one means for that to happen. But as young people grow and desire more independence, more freedom, and more of the household Wi-Fi, it is not surprising more tension and frustration are expressed.

Over time, negative or tense interactions between parents and teens can start to outnumber positive interactions.

It’s essential for parents to consciously and consistently speak positively to their teenagers, ensuring that affirmations and encouragement outbalance criticisms and conflicts.

This may not always come naturally. Even if you must consciously create a daily task of finding positive things to say to your teenager, it is worth doing.

Focusing on creating more positive interactions than negative ones helps mitigate tensions in the relationship, which reinforces to your teen that you value and respect them.

The more positive things are the more chance you have of getting your teenager talking to you.

Check In Regularly

You might think you have more chance of getting your border collie to complete the grocery shopping than getting a teenager to respond to you checking in on how they are doing. But it is vital you persist with checking in daily with your teen despite the overwhelming sense of futility you might have.

The practice of asking your teen every day is not about eliciting a response every time. Rather, you do it to convey to your teenager that you care and are interested in them. Even if you only get a single-word response or a grunt, there is still value in asking your teen how they are doing. Every time you ask, you reinforce the message that you care.

The other reason we check in with our teenagers every day is to create the opportunity when it really matters. Ninety-nine per cent of the time, your teenager may not respond to your question, or the answer will not be significant. The reason you ask every day is because 1% of the time it does matter, you don’t miss the opportunity.

Special tip: late at night is commonly seized upon as an opportunity for parents to get their teenagers to talk. While inconvenient and slightly problematic, late-night chats can also be some of the most significant in a parent-teen relationship.

Boys & Girls Are Different

At the risk of stating the obvious, there are significant differences between how teenage boys and teenage girls connect and communicate with parents (and everyone else!). Some of the strategies above are more applicable to one gender than the other, and many might be applied differently.

To make it a bit easier keep these 3 basic principles in mind when thinking about getting teenagers to talk to you:

1. Shoulder to Shoulder (Boys) vs. Face to Face (Girls)
• Boys often feel more comfortable communicating in a “shoulder to shoulder” manner, meaning they prefer side-by-side activities where the focus isn’t directly on talking (especially to a parent!).
• On the other hand, girls generally prefer “face-to-face” interactions. They are more inclined to sit down and have a direct conversation, making eye contact and expressing their emotions verbally.

2. Open-Ended Questions (Girls) vs. Leading Questions (Boys)
• When trying to engage in meaningful conversations, open-ended questions are particularly effective with teenage girls. Girls tend to appreciate questions that invite them to share their experiences and reflect on their emotions.
• In contrast, boys often respond better to more structured, leading questions that guide the conversation. These types of questions can help boys focus on specific topics and feel less overwhelmed by the prospect of a broad, open-ended discussion.

3. Boys Need More Time, Girls Use More Words
• Boys generally need more time to process their thoughts and emotions before they are ready to talk. Giving them the space and time, which requires patience on your part, can result in more genuine and meaningful conversations.
• Conversely, girls are often more verbal and use more words to express themselves. They are typically more comfortable discussing their emotions and may seek out conversations more frequently.

Getting teenagers to talk isn’t always easy, but it is possible with the right strategies. With a bit of intentionality, you can create an environment where your teen feels safe and encouraged to open up.

Remember, the key is to be a supportive listener, show empathy, and build trust. Keep the process light, stay patient (as best you can), and always appreciate the small steps forward.

With these strategies in place, you’ll enhance your connection with your teen and make getting teenagers to talk a natural and positive part of your relationship.