How To Build Confidence in Teenagers

Teenage girl in green top looking in mirror confidently

Teenagers and confidence—two words that sometimes feel like they’re from entirely different planets. One moment, your teen is delivering a profound insight that makes you wonder if you’re raising the next great philosopher. The next, they’re tripping over their own feet while trying to leave the room. Confidence in teens is a delicate balancing act—just as they’re starting to soar in one area, a bad hair day or a tiny misstep can bring them crashing back down to earth.

But don’t worry! Building confidence in teens isn’t as hopeless as waiting for your plants to apologize for not thriving. In fact, with the right mindset and strategies, parents can help their teenagers develop a confidence that’s grounded and resilient and stays with them long after their teenage years.

Understanding Confidence in Teenagers

Confidence is one of those elusive qualities that develop over time, often through a mix of small victories, awkward stumbles, and the occasional “What was I thinking?” moment. Think of it like a muscle—it gets stronger with regular use, thrives on a steady diet of encouragement and constructive feedback, and occasionally needs some rest after being overworked.

For teenagers, building confidence can feel like trying to assemble IKEA furniture without instructions. Adolescence is a time of rapid changes—not just physically, but mentally and emotionally—and their confidence “muscle” is getting pulled, stretched, and sometimes bent in directions it wasn’t expecting.

Confidence generally grows from three main ingredients: self-awareness, self-esteem, and a sense of competence. When teens gain a clear (and realistic) understanding of their abilities, bounce back from setbacks, and feel valued for their unique skills and character, their confidence starts to flourish. But confidence isn’t about being perfect or always nailing it; it’s about learning to roll with life’s curveballs and trust that you’ll eventually figure things out—even if it takes a few tries.

For teenagers, confidence is still finding its footing. Here’s why it can be so wobbly during these years:

  1. Identity and Self-Esteem

Teenagers are in the throes of self-discovery—a dramatic yet often amusing phase where they experiment with who they are, what they stand for, and how they fit into the world. (You might have noticed the sudden fascination with bold opinions or ever-changing wardrobe choices.) This quest for identity is a crucial part of developing self-esteem—an internal belief in their worth and capabilities.

However, this self-esteem is often as sturdy as a house of cards in a windstorm. Teens juggle academic pressures, evolving friendships, romantic aspirations, family dynamics, and the omnipresent influence of social media. A single misstep—or a poorly worded comment from a peer—can feel like a tectonic shift in their world. It’s a tricky balance between feeling on top of things and suddenly wondering if they’re doing everything wrong.

  1. Brain Development and Risk

The teen brain: a beautiful, chaotic work in progress. During adolescence, the brain is fine-tuning its emotion regulation, impulse control, and decision-making skills. It’s also wired for thrill-seeking, risk-taking, and chasing social rewards—essentially making teens a fascinating mix of bold adventurers and emotional ping-pong balls.

This means their confidence often operates on a seesaw. One moment, they’re invincible; the next, a tiny hiccup sends them into a tailspin. Success can feel euphoric, but failure? Utter devastation. Helping teens build lasting confidence involves guiding them through both triumphs and challenges—showing them that even the occasional faceplant is just part of the process.

  1. Social Comparison and the Impact of Social Media

Teens are deeply influenced by their peers and prone to comparing themselves in every possible way. Add social media to the mix, and you’ve got a 24/7 highlight reel of “perfect” lives, flawless selfies, and seemingly effortless achievements. It’s enough to make even the most confident teen question if they’re doing life wrong.

The problem with social media is that it’s essentially a magic show: all glitter and illusion, with none of the messy behind-the-scenes reality. When teens base their self-worth on likes, followers, or peer approval, their confidence becomes as fragile as a soap bubble in a hurricane. Teaching them to value their unique strengths and find self-worth beyond the digital world is essential.

Teenage boy leaning on handlebars of bike wearing green shirt

What Damages Teen Confidence?

Here’s the tough part: confidence is much easier to wreck than to build. Teens are acutely sensitive to the reactions and judgments of others, making their self-assurance vulnerable to even small slights. From harsh criticism to unrealistic expectations, understanding the common confidence-killers can help parents better support their teen’s growth.

Here are some of the most common things that can undermine teen confidence and how they affect them:

  1. Criticism and Over-Correction
    Imagine if every time you made a coffee, someone pointed out how you could have made it ‘just a little bit better.’ That’s how teens feel when we’re constantly correcting them—like they’ll never master the art of being themselves. Constructive feedback is valuable, but it’s a delicate balance with teens.

Adolescents are often hypersensitive to criticism, perceiving even minor corrections as major judgments on their worth or abilities. When teens hear a steady stream of “not quite right” comments—whether about their appearance, behaviour, or achievements—they may start to believe they’re inherently flawed.

It’s easy for well-meaning parents to fall into a habit of over-correcting, hoping to guide their teens, but this can backfire. Teens may internalize these critiques and develop a self-critical inner voice, leading to feelings of inadequacy. Instead, occasional, well-placed guidance alongside plenty of encouragement can be far more effective in supporting their confidence.

  1. Comparisons (Especially with Siblings or Peers)
    If you’ve ever been tempted to say, ‘Why can’t you be more like…?’ stop right there. It’s like planting a time bomb of resentment. Instead, celebrate the fact that your kid is uniquely them—even if that means they’re the only one at the family party wearing neon socks and a fedora.

Every teen is a unique mix of interests, strengths, and challenges, and they need the freedom to explore who they are on their terms. When parents compare them to their siblings or peers—or even to the parent’s own accomplishments at their age—it sends an unintended message that who they are now is somehow “less than” or inadequate.

Comparisons with siblings, especially, can strain relationships and create feelings of rivalry or resentment. Rather than feeling motivated, teens may feel diminished or resentful, thinking, “Why try if I’ll never be like them?” A better approach is to celebrate each child’s individual strengths and achievements without measuring them against others.

  1. Overprotectiveness or Helicopter Parenting
    We all want to protect our kids, but if we swoop in every time there’s a problem, they’ll start to think they need a pilot’s license just to navigate life. Let them test the waters—even if it means watching them… cautiously from the shore.

It’s natural to want to protect your teen from pain, disappointment, or failure, but doing too much for them can send the subtle (but powerful) message that they’re not capable. When parents take over tasks, fix problems, or make decisions on their behalf, teens may interpret this as a lack of confidence in their abilities.

Over time, this type of parental “rescue” can erode a teen’s confidence, making them feel overly dependent on others or hesitant to take initiative. Teens need the chance to tackle challenges, solve problems, and make mistakes. While it can be tough to watch, allowing them to stumble a bit is essential for building self-assurance.

  1. Unrealistic Expectations and Pressure
    Sure, we’d all love a kid who plays five sports, aces every test, and volunteers at the local animal shelter. But for most teens, getting out of bed before noon is a major victory. Let’s keep it realistic!

Every parent wants their child to succeed, but setting the bar unrealistically high or pressuring them to excel in every area can backfire. When teens feel they must achieve near-perfection to earn approval, they’re likely to become anxious, overwhelmed, or discouraged.

This pressure can stem from academics, sports, social achievements, or even parental expectations of behaviour and maturity. Teens may end up associating their self-worth with their performance, believing that mistakes or failures make them less lovable or valuable. Instead of motivating them, unrealistic expectations can leave teens feeling like they’ll never be “good enough.” Balancing high standards with empathy and understanding is key to nurturing true confidence.

  1. Negative Self-Talk and Internalized Pressure

Teenagers can be like self-criticism ninjas, sneaking in comments about how they’re ‘the worst’ at everything. Gently remind them that unless it’s a Guinness World Record for ‘Messiest Room,’ they’re probably doing just fine

Although teens can be their own harshest critics, the roots of negative self-talk are often shaped by external messages they receive—comments, comparisons, or unmet expectations. When teens internalize these pressures, they can develop a habit of self-criticism, convincing themselves they’re not smart, capable, or attractive enough. Left unchecked, negative self-talk can severely undermine confidence, causing teens to become more anxious, hesitant, or avoidant.

Encouraging teens to be gentle with themselves and helping them reframe challenges as opportunities for growth rather than failures, can make a huge difference. Showing empathy and helping them shift their mindset to “progress over perfection” can slowly dismantle that internal critic and replace it with a more balanced and compassionate inner voice.

teenage girl climbing a boulder with backpack on

Strategies for Building Teen Confidence

So how can parents help? There’s no magic recipe for confidence, but these strategies will help create a positive environment for it to develop.

  1. Focus on Strengths, Not Just Weaknesses

One of the most effective ways to build confidence in teens is to help them recognize and grow their strengths. While it’s important to address areas where they struggle, their self-image shouldn’t revolve solely around fixing faults. Confidence often snowballs—when teens build assurance in one area of life, it tends to spill over into other areas, creating a ripple effect of self-belief. In other words, confidence is contagious.

How to Help: Encourage your teen to engage in activities that play to their strengths. If they’re naturally artistic, suggest an art class or a creative project. If they thrive in social settings, explore volunteer opportunities or team-based activities. Success in areas where they already shine can act as a launchpad for confidence in new challenges.

What to Avoid: Avoid framing every discussion around what they need to improve. Sometimes, teens just need a simple, genuine “You’re really good at this” without adding a “but.” Let them savour the win—it’s more motivating than constant critique.

  1. Let Them Make Mistakes (And Learn from Them)

It can be hard to watch your teen mess up, but sometimes the best learning happens when they’ve mixed up ‘toothpaste’ and ‘face wash.’ Mistakes build character—and also remind them to check labels next time.

Learning from mistakes is one of the best ways for teens to gain confidence in their abilities. Of course, this doesn’t mean letting them make catastrophic errors, but it does mean stepping back a little.

How to Help: When your teen hits a snag or a mistake, ask them what they think went wrong and what they might do differently next time. Let them find solutions rather than rushing in to fix everything.

What to Avoid: Don’t shield them from every setback or get too involved in “rescuing” them from challenges.

  1. Encourage Problem-Solving Instead of Giving All the Answers

Problem-solving is a life skill that can boost confidence across all areas. When teens work through a problem on their own, they get the confidence that comes from knowing they have the tools to handle what comes their way.

How to Help: When your teen comes to you with a problem, try responding with, “What do you think would be a good solution?” or “How do you think you should handle that?” This can help them start to trust their own decision-making abilities.

What to Avoid: Don’t jump in with solutions at the first sign of trouble. The goal is to help them feel capable, not to create dependence on your answers.

  1. Model Self-Compassion and Resilience

Teens notice how you handle your own blunders, so laugh it off when you burn the toast or lock yourself out (again). This shows them it’s possible to make mistakes without declaring it ‘the end of the world’—a concept teens find relatable.

Teens learn a lot from watching their parents, even if they won’t admit it. Modelling self-compassion—being kind to yourself when things go wrong—can show them that confidence isn’t about always getting things right but about bouncing back when things go wrong.

How to Help: Share your own stories of bouncing back from failure or disappointment. Let them see that you can laugh at your mistakes and move forward without beating yourself up.

What to Avoid: Avoid putting yourself down or showing them that failure is something to be ashamed of. Teens pick up on their parents’ attitudes, and if they see you being overly critical of yourself, they may adopt that mindset.

  1. Praise Effort, Not Just Results

Rather than saying, ‘You’re a genius!’ try, ‘Hey, I love the effort you put in here!’ Let’s help them realize they’re valued for the journey, not just the results—even if that journey involves misplaced homework or ‘forgotten’ laundry.

Praising effort rather than just outcomes encourages teens to value hard work and perseverance, which are cornerstones of confidence. It lets them know that their value isn’t tied to the final grade, the win, or the performance.

How to Help: Instead of saying, “You’re so smart,” try saying, “I’m really impressed with how hard you worked on that.” This shows them that effort matters just as much, if not more, than results. 

What to Avoid: Avoid giving praise only when they succeed or “win.” They need to feel that their efforts are worthwhile, even when the results aren’t perfect.

teen boy in white shirt at kitchen bench creating pastry

  1. Give Them Real Responsibilities

Having responsibilities, such as chores or tasks, can give teens a sense of competence and belonging. Knowing they’re a valued part of the household or a project builds confidence in a way that talk alone cannot.

How to Help: Assign responsibilities they can manage, like cooking a meal or handling a chore. When they’re trusted with meaningful tasks, they’ll feel more capable and valuable.

What to Avoid: Avoid re-doing or fixing their work if it’s not up to your standards. If they see you correcting every little thing, they may feel their efforts are never enough.

  1. Create Space for Independence

One of the most empowering things you can do for your teen’s confidence is to give them space to figure things out on their own. It can be tempting to hover, step in, or give them constant reminders (like leaving sticky notes all over their room), but a little independence goes a long way in showing them that you trust their abilities.

How to Help: Let them handle age-appropriate tasks or decisions without interference. For instance, if they’re managing their own school project, resist the urge to constantly check in on it. Instead, offer your support if they ask, but let them take the lead.

What to Avoid: Try not to micromanage or correct every little thing. Teens can sense when they’re not trusted, and that lack of trust can chip away at their confidence. Letting them take charge shows you believe they’re capable, even if things don’t go perfectly.

  1. Encourage Social Connections

Confident teens often feel grounded in positive relationships. Encouraging them to build a supportive circle of friends and connections can give them a strong foundation to rely on when things get tough. Whether it’s a study group, sports team, or hobby club, social support makes a big difference.

How to Help: Encourage your teen to explore activities that interest them and introduce them to new friends, skills, and experiences. These settings are often where they’ll practice social skills, leadership, and other abilities that boost confidence.

What to Avoid: Don’t push them into friendships or activities that aren’t a good fit. Confidence comes from being genuinely engaged and interested in what they’re doing. If they’re not into it, it’s okay! Help them explore until they find something that clicks.

  1. Avoid Labels and Comparisons

It’s easy to fall into the habit of labeling kids—calling them “the shy one,” “the brain,” or “the athlete.” But labels, no matter how positive, can feel restrictive and make teens question their abilities outside of these identities. Similarly, comparisons (whether they’re with siblings, friends, or yourself at their age) can make them feel like they’re not measuring up.

Instead of ‘the brain’ or ‘the athlete,’ try saying, ‘You have so many cool qualities!’ Because no one needs to feel like they’re playing a character in a teen sitcom, right?

How to Help: Try describing their behaviours or achievements in specific terms, like “You worked really hard on that project” rather than “You’re such a hard worker.” This allows them to see their qualities as flexible rather than fixed.

What to Avoid: Avoid pigeonholing them with labels or comparing them to others. Let them feel free to develop different interests and skills over time. Confidence grows when they see themselves as capable of change and growth, rather than fixed into a single “type.”

  1. Show Them How to Handle Criticism

Criticism is a part of life, but how they handle it can make a world of difference to their confidence. Helping them process criticism—whether it’s from you, a teacher, or a peer—can equip them with the tools to grow without feeling diminished.

How to Help: When discussing any feedback with your teen, try to reframe it as a chance for improvement rather than a judgment on their abilities. Help them understand that criticism doesn’t define them; it’s a tool for learning.

What to Avoid: Don’t be overly harsh or focus only on their mistakes. And if the criticism isn’t necessary or constructive, be sure to point that out, too. Sometimes teens need to know that not all feedback should be taken to heart.

  1. Give Room for Emotional Ups and Downs

The teenage years are naturally emotional and sometimes volatile. While it can be tempting to want your teen to stay positive all the time, real confidence comes from knowing it’s okay to feel a full range of emotions. Let them know that feeling disappointed, frustrated, or even insecure is normal—and that they can handle it.

How to Help: When they’re going through a tough time, let them express their emotions freely. Offer comfort but also encouragement that they’re strong enough to work through it. Phrases like, “It’s okay to feel this way,” or “These feelings won’t last forever” can be very reassuring.

What to Avoid: Avoid downplaying their feelings or insisting they “cheer up.” It’s important they know their emotions are valid, even if they’re tough. Confidence includes resilience, which is built through navigating these emotional highs and lows.

  1. Be Their Biggest Cheerleader

Even if they shrug it off with a ‘Yeah, whatever, Mum,’ teens secretly love hearing we’re proud of them. So, cheer them on for the little wins, like remembering to take their schoolbag to school.

While teens often act like they don’t want (or need) parental approval, deep down, knowing that their parents are in their corner is a huge confidence booster. Don’t hold back on giving them encouragement, celebrating their victories (big or small), and letting them know you believe in them.

How to Help: Find small moments to tell them you’re proud, acknowledge their growth, or celebrate their accomplishments. It doesn’t have to be a grand gesture—a quick “I’m so proud of how you handled that!” goes a long way.

What to Avoid: Try not to reserve your praise only for big achievements. Teens need to know they’re valued not just for their accomplishments but for who they are. Regular encouragement reinforces that they’re loved and valued just as they are.

Download this handy reference guide for confidence-building strategies for your Teenager.

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Confidence is a Journey, Not a Destination

Building your teen’s confidence isn’t a one-and-done project; it’s more of a long road trip—with detours, occasional wrong turns, and maybe a bit of yelling about the “map” along the way. Confidence doesn’t mean they’ll never face fear, doubt, or failure. It’s about helping them learn to navigate those bumps, recalibrate, and keep going.

As a parent, your job isn’t to hand them a foolproof GPS or steer the wheel for them—it’s to sit in the passenger seat, remind them they’ve got this (even when it feels like they don’t), and maybe offer snacks when things get tough.

Confidence isn’t about perfection, and neither is parenting. Just keep showing up, cheering them on, and resisting the urge to grab the controls when they’re figuring things out. The payoff? A teen who believes they can face life’s challenges—and that’s the kind of confidence that can take them anywhere.

 

Parenting Tweens: The Ultimate Guide

Tween girls watching a movie

Welcome to the tween years, or as I like to refer to it “Peak Awkward!”

Those precious years between childhood and teenagerhood, typically from ages 9 to 12. It’s a period of rapid development and change, both physically and emotionally.

When your sweet little child transforms into a gangly, uncoordinated, moody, and often volatile mix of body odour and bad fashion sense.

If you’re finding yourself bewildered and occasionally pulling your hair out, don’t worry – you’re not alone.  Parenting tweens can be a somewhat bemusing and frustrating adventure, but with the right strategies, a lot of patience, and a sense of humour, you can make it through this stage intact – as might your tween.

Did I mention you will need a lot of patience?

Part 1: Understanding the Tween Years

Understanding what to expect during the tween years can empower you to navigate this stage with confidence, turning bewildering moments into opportunities for growth and connection- and it might help you with your patience.

Here’s a glimpse into the unique world of tweens:

 Rapid Physical Growth

One of the most visible changes during the tween years is their rapid physical growth. You might find yourself constantly buying new clothes and shoes because your child has outgrown their old ones seemingly overnight. This can be both amusing and frustrating, especially when it feels like you just bought that pair of sneakers a month ago.

This rapid growth can make tweens feel awkward. Their limbs might seem too long for their bodies, and they may struggle with coordination. It’s common for them to feel self-conscious about these changes, particularly if they are earlier or later than their peers in hitting growth milestones.

Tweens are highly aware of their bodies and can be very sensitive to how they look compared to others. This is a critical time for building a positive body image. Encouraging healthy habits, avoiding negative comments about weight or appearance, and fostering a positive attitude towards their changing bodies can help.

With rapid growth comes increased nutritional needs. Tweens often experience changes in their appetites, sometimes eating significantly more as their bodies demand extra fuel for development.

During growth spurts, tweens might suddenly seem insatiable, constantly raiding the fridge and asking for more food at mealtimes. Their bodies are using up more energy to support the rapid growth of bones, muscles, and organs. It’s not unusual for parents to be caught off guard by how much their tween can eat.

While it’s important to guide their eating habits, avoid turning mealtimes into a battleground. Offer healthy choices and let them have some control over their food preferences within reason. This can help them develop a positive relationship with food and their bodies.

Adolescent Brain Development: A Work in Progress

During the tween years, your child’s brain is undergoing significant changes, particularly in areas responsible for emotions and decision-making.

The prefrontal cortex, which governs rational thinking, impulse control, and planning, is still very much a work in progress. Because this area is still maturing, tweens often lean more heavily on the amygdala—the brain’s emotional centre. This reliance on the amygdala can lead to more intense and impulsive reactions, especially when it comes to fear, frustration, or aggression.

Your tween may experience emotions more intensely and react in ways that might seem out of proportion to the situation. These dramatic mood swings and emotional outbursts are common and are largely due to their brains not yet being fully equipped to process and regulate these strong emotions.

Understanding this neurological basis for their behaviour can help you approach these moments with greater patience and empathy, knowing that your tween is still learning how to navigate their emotional world.

At the same time, the under-construction prefrontal cortex means that tweens can struggle with planning, organization, and decision-making. You might notice them being forgetful, having difficulty keeping track of assignments, or making decisions that seem illogical.

This vagueness and disorganization are not signs of laziness or a lack of effort but rather a reflection of their brain’s developmental stage. As a parent, offering gentle guidance, setting clear expectations, and helping them develop organizational strategies can make a big difference in supporting them through this phase of cognitive growth.

Cognitive Changes

Cognitive development during the tween years includes a shift from concrete to more abstract thinking. They start to understand complex concepts, think about future possibilities, and consider multiple perspectives. This cognitive leap is exciting but can also lead to a lot of questioning and curiosity.

Tweens begin to question everything around them. Why do we have to follow certain rules? Why is the sky blue? These questions are a sign that their brains are developing critical thinking skills. Encouraging this curiosity can help them develop a love for learning.

As they start to think more abstractly, tweens also begin to form their own opinions. They may challenge your views and engage in debates, often with a surprising level of logic and passion. While this can be challenging for parents, it’s important to respect their opinions and encourage healthy discussions.

Despite their growing cognitive abilities, tweens often think in absolute, black-and-white terms. They may struggle with nuance and see situations as either completely right or entirely wrong. This type of thinking can make it difficult for them to understand complex issues or see multiple sides of an argument.

To help them navigate this phase, encourage critical thinking and expose them to different perspectives. Discuss scenarios that require them to consider various factors and potential outcomes. This can help them develop a more nuanced understanding of the world.

When they express black-and-white views, guide them gently towards considering other possibilities. Ask questions like, “What if there’s more to the story?” or “How might someone else see this situation?” This approach can help them gradually shift from absolute thinking to more flexible and critical thinking patterns (note I put emphasis on gradually.)

Whatever you do, don’t get into an argument with a Tweenager. While their thinking is getting more sophisticated it still has limits. And given their increasing propensity to big emotions, you will never achieve a constructive outcome arguing with your tweenager. Just let them be. You don’t need the last word, and they don’t need any more fuel for their already volatile mood.

Emotional Intensity

As puberty begins, the surge of hormones can trigger intense emotions and sudden mood swings in tweens. One moment, they might be cheerful and chatty, and the next, they’re sulking in their room, overwhelmed by feelings they may not fully understand.

These emotional swings are not only a natural part of their hormonal changes but are also influenced by the ongoing brain development that makes them more prone to experiencing emotions with greater intensity.

These extreme shifts in mood can be amplified by social and relational issues, such as conflicts with friends or struggles to fit in with peers.

It’s not uncommon for these hormonal and brain-driven changes to lead to emotional outbursts. Tweens might cry over seemingly minor issues or react intensely to small frustrations, leaving both them and you feeling drained.

Providing a safe space for them to express their emotions and guiding them towards healthy coping mechanisms can help them manage these overwhelming feelings.

During this tumultuous period, approaching your tween with empathy and understanding is key.

Reassure them that it’s okay to experience a wide range of emotions and that you’re there to support them through it all. Open communication about their feelings can be a powerful tool in helping them navigate these challenging years.

Identity Exploration

Tweens embark on a significant journey of self-discovery as they try to figure out who they are and where they fit in the world. This phase of identity exploration is crucial, as it lays the foundation for their future self-concept and values.

During this time, you may notice your tween experimenting with different clothing styles, hairstyles, and interests. One week they might be passionate about sports, and the next, they could be drawn to music or art. This experimentation is a normal part of their development as they explore various aspects of their identity.

Along with changes in style and interests, you might also observe shifts in their behaviour. Tweens may adopt new mannerisms, slang, or attitudes influenced by peers or media figures. While these changes can sometimes be confusing or concerning for parents, they are typically temporary phases of exploration.

Role models, whether they are celebrities, teachers, family members, or fictional characters, also play a significant role during this time. These figures shape your tween’s aspirations and values, so encouraging positive role models can help guide their identity formation in healthy directions.

Friendships become even more central to their lives, and peers can significantly influence their sense of identity. Your tween might try to fit in with different groups as they search for where they feel most comfortable. It’s important to support them through these social changes while helping them understand the importance of staying true to themselves.

Encouraging your tween to express themselves creatively, whether through art, writing, music, or sports, is a vital way for them to explore and solidify their identity. Providing opportunities for them to try new activities and hobbies can also be beneficial.

Having open, non-judgmental conversations about their interests, values, and feelings can help them navigate this complex period. By listening actively, asking questions, and showing genuine interest in their evolving sense of self, you can strengthen your relationship and give them confidence in their identity exploration.

Social Shifts

During the tween years, friendships take on a new level of importance as tweens begin to rely more on their peers for support and validation. They often form close-knit groups, and these friendships quickly become central to their social lives.

Encouraging positive relationships while being there to guide them through the ups and downs of these new connections is essential. As friendships become more crucial, peer pressure also starts to play a more significant role.

Tweens are highly sensitive to what their friends think and do, and they may feel a strong need to conform to fit in. It’s important to teach them how to make independent decisions and stand up for themselves in these situations.

As they grow, tweens naturally start seeking more independence from their parents, which can sometimes feel like they’re pulling away. This desire for independence is a normal and healthy part of their development. Allowing them some freedom, while still maintaining clear boundaries, helps them feel trusted and responsible.

However, finding the right balance between granting independence and providing guidance can be tricky. Giving too much freedom might lead to risky behaviours, while too much control could stifle their growth. Striving for a middle ground where they feel empowered to make choices while also understanding the consequences of their actions is key.

Part 2: Strategies for Surviving (and Thriving) the Tween Years

Now that we’ve explored what makes tweens unique, let’s look at what your tween needs from you to make these years the best they can be.

Before we get to that, however, let me make it simple as to what you will need during the tween years.

Basically, as the parent of a tweenager you need three things;

  • Truckloads of patience
  • A daily reminder that much of this behaviour will ease up in a few years
  • A really good sense of humour (accompanied with the ability to suppress laughter.)

Communication is Key

Effective communication is the cornerstone of a strong parent-tween relationship, and keeping the lines of communication open is crucial during these awkward years.

Encourage conversation by regularly asking about their day, their friends, and their interests. Show genuine curiosity and make it clear that you care about what’s happening in their world- even if you get met with indifference and disdain – keep engaging.

This doesn’t mean every conversation has to be a deep, heart-to-heart talk; often, the most meaningful exchanges happen in the context of everyday moments. Whether you’re driving them to a practice, preparing dinner together, or simply hanging out in the living room, these are opportunities to engage in casual, relaxed conversations that can strengthen your connection.

Listening without judgment is essential in fostering an environment where your tween feels comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings. Avoid jumping to conclusions or immediately offering solutions; instead, focus on understanding their perspective.

By doing so, you create a safe space where they know they can express themselves without fear of criticism or dismissal. This approach not only helps them feel respected but also encourages them to continue coming to you with their concerns, knowing that you’re there to listen rather than lecture.

Validation Of Emotions

Validating their feelings is another critical component of effective communication. Tweens are often navigating a complex emotional landscape, and their reactions may sometimes seem exaggerated or irrational.

However, it’s important to acknowledge their emotions rather than dismiss them. This includes not laughing (although sometimes very difficult), not escalating with your own emotional reaction, and not saying or implying to an emotional tween they are over-reacting.

A simple statement like, “I understand you’re upset,” can go a long way in making them feel heard and respected. Validation doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything they say or do, but it does mean recognizing their emotions as real and important in that moment. This acknowledgment helps them feel secure in expressing their feelings and reassures them that their emotions matter to you.

Allowing your tween plenty of time to calm down before you try to talk or process the issue will save you and your teen a lot of time and energy!

Talk About Change

Talking calmly and openly about the physical changes associated with puberty is also an essential part of maintaining open communication with your tween.

Normalise these conversations by discussing the changes they’re experiencing in a matter-of-fact way, which helps reduce any embarrassment or anxiety they might feel. Whether it’s about growth spurts, acne, body odour, sexuality, or menstruation, approach these topics with sensitivity and reassurance. Let them know that these changes are a normal part of growing up and that everyone goes through them.

By addressing these physical changes calmly and without judgment, you create a safe space for them to ask questions and express any concerns they may have. This not only helps them feel more comfortable with their developing bodies but also reinforces your role as a trusted source of support and information.

Boundaries Are Vital

While tweens crave more independence and often push against parental control, they still need structure and boundaries to feel secure. This is a natural part of their development as they seek to establish their own identity separate from their parents.

Setting clear, consistent boundaries helps tweens understand expectations and limits. Clearly communicate your household rules and the reasons behind them. This can include guidelines around screen time, chores, homework, curfews, and social activities.

The key to boundary setting is consistency!

Consistency in enforcing rules is crucial. Inconsistent boundaries can lead to confusion and testing of limits. Stick to the established rules and follow through with consequences, when necessary, but ensure the consequences are fair and related to the behaviour.

Finding the right balance between granting freedom and enforcing rules can be challenging. Allow your tween to make choices within the boundaries you’ve set. For example, let them decide how to manage their time within the limits of completing homework and household responsibilities.

As tweens seek more independence, involve them in discussions about rules and boundaries. Negotiating and compromising on certain rules can help them feel respected and more willing to adhere to guidelines. This also teaches them important skills in communication and problem-solving.

Boundaries provide a sense of safety and security, even if tweens resist them. They need to know that there are limits to ensure their well-being. Explain that rules are there not to control them but to keep them safe and to help them develop responsible behaviours (they won’t believe you or be any more agreeable, but it is an important message to keep sending.)

Acknowledge and reward positive behaviour. Positive reinforcement can be more effective than punishment in encouraging boundary keeping. Praise their efforts and successes in following guidelines and making responsible choices.

Foster Independence

Give your tween opportunities to take on responsibilities that come with increased freedom, such as managing their own schedule, budgeting their allowance, or taking care of a pet.

These responsibilities not only teach them accountability but also help them understand the importance of following rules and meeting expectations. When they are entrusted with tasks that matter, they begin to see themselves as capable and trustworthy, which is essential for their self-esteem.

In addition to responsibilities, offering choices whenever possible gives your tween a sense of control over their life. This could involve letting them choose their clothes, select activities, or decide how they want to spend their free time.

By giving them the power to make decisions, you’re helping them develop critical thinking skills and learn how to weigh options and consequences. These small, everyday choices lay the groundwork for more significant decisions they will face in the future.

Nurture Their Interests

Supporting your tween’s interests is another important aspect of fostering independence. Encourage them to explore new hobbies and activities, whether it’s sports, music, art, or coding.

Showing genuine interest in their passions not only strengthens your bond but also helps them build confidence as they discover and develop their talents. Engaging in activities they enjoy can also provide a positive outlet for stress and a sense of achievement as they master new skills.

Furthermore, fostering independence involves allowing your tween to experience the natural consequences of their decisions, within a safe and supportive environment. While it’s tempting to step in and fix their mistakes, it’s important to let them learn from these experiences. This approach helps them understand the real-world impact of their choices and builds resilience as they navigate challenges.

By guiding them with encouragement and providing the tools they need to succeed, you’re setting the foundation for a responsible and independent young adult who feels confident in their ability to manage their own life.

Fostering independence in your tween is crucial for their development into a responsible and self-assured individual.

Supporting with Structure and Flexibility

As tweens navigate the ups and downs of this developmental stage, it’s crucial for parents to be proactive in creating structures that support their growth while allowing room for independence.

One of the key areas where they need help is in organization. With their brains still developing, especially in areas like planning and decision-making, tweens often struggle to keep track of tasks and responsibilities.

As a parent, you can assist by setting up organizational aids, such as calendars, to-do lists, or reminder apps that can help them stay on top of their schoolwork and other obligations.

Simple prompts, like gentle reminders about upcoming deadlines or daily routines, can also go a long way in helping them manage their time more effectively.

What won’t help your tween, or you, is you resorting to nagging them constantly. Simple rules for helping tweens get stuff done without nagging:

  • Short term instructions only
  • One instruction at a time
  • Routine activities need fixed prompts or foolproof structures set up in advance
  • Allow generous amounts of time – expect nothing will happen quickly

Give Them Privacy

Privacy is another area that becomes increasingly important as tweens seek to establish their own identity. While it’s natural for parents to want to stay involved in their children’s lives, it’s equally important to respect their need for personal space.

Whether it’s ensuring they have a private place to retreat to at home or allowing them some autonomy in their online activities, showing respect for their privacy can help build trust and support their growing sense of independence.

Teach Problem Solving

Tweens will also benefit from your assistance when they face a problem that is getting the better of them. Guide them in thinking through possible solutions rather than providing the answers.  This builds their problem-solving skills and confidence.

They will often need you to help them break problems down into smaller parts. Work with your tween to consider multiple possible outcomes – often tweens not great at doing this. And they will need you to regularly, and gently, remind them that world isn’t ending due to whatever problem they are facing.

Let Them Sleep

Maintaining healthy sleep patterns is also vital during the tween years, as their bodies and brains are growing rapidly and need adequate rest to function optimally. Encourage regular bedtimes and create an environment conducive to sleep, such as limiting screen time before bed and keeping the bedroom quiet and comfortable.

By establishing these routines, you can help your tween get the rest they need to cope with the challenges of this developmental stage. Because the only thing more difficult than a moody tween is a tired moody tween.

Incorporating these structures and allowances into daily life provides a supportive framework that acknowledges the unique challenges tweens face, helping them develop the skills and habits they need to thrive.

Stay In The Loop

Being an active presence in your tween’s life is crucial as they navigate the complexities of this life stage.  Even though you might feel like your teen wants you around less, they need you to have a clear and stable presence in their world.

Getting to know their friends and their friends’ parents is an important aspect of staying involved. As tweens begin to form close friendships, understanding their social circle can give you insight into the influences shaping their behaviour and attitudes (like knowing who the kid who is teaching your darling to speak like that.)

This also creates a supportive community where parents can share information and strategies for navigating the tween years. Hosting gatherings or arranging group activities can help you build these connections and establish open lines of communication with other parents.

Talking openly about peer pressure is vital as tweens are particularly susceptible to the influence of their peers during this stage. Engage in regular discussions about the challenges they might face and the importance of making good choices.

Role-playing different scenarios can be an effective way to prepare them for real-life situations, giving them the tools they need to stand up for themselves and resist negative influences. Reinforce the idea that it’s okay to say no and that their self-worth isn’t tied to their friends’ opinions or actions.

Monitor Their Online Presence

In today’s digital age, monitoring social media use is an essential part of staying involved in your tween’s life. If they’re active on social media, set clear guidelines and regularly check in on their activity. Educate them about online safety, the potential risks of sharing personal information, and the importance of maintaining a positive digital footprint.

Encourage them to come to you with any concerns or uncomfortable situations they encounter online. By staying engaged with their online world, you can help them navigate the complexities of digital interactions while ensuring their safety.

(Note: I don’t recommend letting kids under 13 anywhere near social media. But I acknowledge it is happening so have made mention of it in this article.)

Be Their No.1 Fan

Another way to show your support is by attending their events (when you can), whether it’s a school play, sports game, or music recital. Your presence at these moments reinforces the message that you value their interests and take pride in their accomplishments.

They might not appreciate you praising them in front of their friends or giving them a hug while everyone is watching, but knowing you are there cheering them on can boost their confidence and strengthen your bond.

Additionally, consider creating opportunities for family time that align with their interests. Whether it’s watching a show together, engaging in a shared hobby, or simply spending time talking during a meal, these moments help maintain a strong connection as they become more independent.

Staying involved doesn’t mean hovering; it means being a steady, supportive presence in their lives, ready to guide them when needed and celebrate their growth along the way.

Take Care of Yourself

Parenting tweens can be exhausting with the constant unending rollercoaster of emotions, demands, and unexpected challenges.

As much as you focus on your tween’s needs, it’s equally important to prioritize your own well-being. Taking care of yourself isn’t just a luxury—it’s a necessity for maintaining the patience, energy, and positivity required to navigate these years successfully.

Remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup. Make sure to take time for yourself, whether it’s through hobbies, exercise, or just relaxing. A well-rested and happy parent is better at being a patient parent.

Don’t be afraid to seek support from other parents, friends, or professionals. Parenting isn’t meant to be done alone.

Embrace the Humour

Find the humour in everyday situations is also an important habit to cultivate. Tweens are awkward, unpredictable, and often unintentionally hilarious. Finding the funny side of these everyday moments not only eases tension but also strengthens your bond with your tween.

Note thought it is important to be laughing with your tween not at tween.  There is a fine line between sharing in the funny side, and offending or embarrassing your tweenager.

Laugh with your tween about your own silly mistakes or shortcomings. Show your tween that it’s okay to laugh at oneself and that setbacks or embarrassing moments aren’t the end of the world. By modelling the ability to smile at yourself, you teach them an invaluable life skill: the ability to find lightness even in challenging times.

Creating shared moments of happiness through laughter can help smooth the bumps in the road. Try to make sure there are still regular moments just to hang out and have some fun by watching a silly movie, playing some fun games, or just sharing dumb stuff that happened during your day.

Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff

Tweens are navigating a complex phase of life, and not everything will go perfectly.  There will plenty of changes, some of which will come out of nowhere.

So, it is vital that you choose your battles wisely and let go of the minor annoyances, like the messy room or the eye rolls.

Focus on the big picture—your relationship with your tween and their long-term growth. There will be plenty of big challenges and important issues to resolve, you won’t help your tween or yourself by trying to fix everything all at once.

Enjoy Parenting Your Tween

So, as you journey through the ups and downs of the tween years, remember that this is a truly unique and special time in your child’s life.

You’re witnessing them grow, develop, and start to carve out their own identity. While it can be challenging, it’s also a period filled with incredible moments of discovery, both for your tween and for you as a parent. Embrace the quirks, celebrate the milestones, and cherish the opportunity to guide your child as they blossom into the incredible individual they are becoming.

 

Top 10 Tips for Getting Teenagers to Talk

mother talking to teenager eating a snack

As parents, getting teenagers to talk can often feel like trying to master a long-forgotten art form.

One moment they’re sharing every detail of their day, and the next, they’re locked in their rooms, headphones on, completely unapproachable.

Getting a teenager to talk is like trying to untangle a power chord – frustrating, time-consuming, and just when you think you’ve made progress, it gets knotted up again.

Why is it like this? Well, that will likely remain a mystery. As parents, we accept it and try to connect when we can.

That is where this article aims to help by offering our 10 best strategies for getting teenagers to talk.

Whether you’re dealing with the silent treatment, talking to the hand, or navigating the extremes of indifference and intense emotions, this article aims to enhance your connection and foster better understanding.

So, take a deep breath and prepare to get your teenager talking.

Listen More Than You Talk

You have probably heard the saying, “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.” This saying is attributed to the Greek philosopher Epictetus. While I can’t confirm its origins (Greek philosophers aren’t frequent on my reading lists), I can confirm it’s a valuable rule of thumb.

Many parents have lamented to me about how difficult getting teenagers to talk can be. However, when I press them, they often can’t answer how much time and space they allow for listening to their teenagers.

Teenagers are more inclined to talk when parents are committed to listening.

The first suggestion I make to any parent struggling with getting teenagers to talk is to suggest they stop talking to their teenager. Not altogether, but drastically reduce the number of words coming out of their mouths.

Instead, I suggest parents greet their teenager, maybe ask a single question, and then allow for silence. It might feel awkward and scary, but it also might result in your teenager saying something.

When parents create space, they are often surprised by how their teenagers fill it. But often, parents are so worried about awkward silence that they fill it with their own words, questions, advice, and opinions, leaving no room for teenagers to speak.

Teens often need to feel heard rather than be given advice.

Sometimes flipping the parental model is helpful. Instead of seeing ourselves as dispensers of advice and wisdom, we might do better to see ourselves as sounding boards and receptors of our teenagers’ words and opinions.

Listen Well

One of the hardest things to learn is how to listen well. Listening well means being fully focused on hearing what the other person is saying. It sounds obvious, but obvious doesn’t mean it is common or easy.

The biggest enemy of listening well for most people, especially parents, is our need to be heard. When our kids are speaking, we are too often focused on formulating what we are going to say next, rather than being fully engaged in what they have to say.

We might think our kids need to hear our wisdom, so focusing on getting it right is important. The trouble is we risk missing what our kids are really trying to tell us. If your teen isn’t speaking to you that often, it would be a shame to miss any of what they have to say when they do speak.

A key to getting teenagers to talk is demonstrating to them that you can listen well.

Another challenge is being silent only because we are waiting for our turn to talk. Standing there, tapping your feet, waiting for your teenager to finish their long-winded explanation rarely equates to good listening.

Impatience doesn’t make us attentive or receptive.

It can be far more effective to surrender our need or right to speak and share and instead prioritize hearing our teens and encouraging them to talk. It doesn’t mean the quality of what they say will necessarily improve, but it does mean you are more likely to hear the important things. And when you hear the important things, you can connect with your teen about what is meaningful and helpful.

Make Time

Life is busy for all of us. Time is a precious resource that few of us seem to have in abundance. Making time for your teenager is not always easy. But while time is precious, so is your relationship with your teenager.

Finding space in the busyness of life to be around and available for your teenager might be difficult, but if you want to connect with your teen, it is vital.

In today’s fast-paced world, it’s easy to get caught up in distractions, but being truly present can make a significant difference. Set aside dedicated time to spend with your teen, free from interruptions like phones, TV, or work.

Your presence not only strengthens your bond but also encourages your teenager to share more openly and honestly.

Getting your teenager to talk requires some scheduling intent and discipline on your part. But it also drastically increases you chances of getting your teenager to talk.

watchmakers hand making timepiece
You Making Time! It isn’t easy, but your teenager will notice!

Validation

No one likes to share something important with another person only to have it dismissed or downplayed.

Teenagers like it even less.

Adolescence is a time of big feelings, new realizations, and first-time experiences. Your teenager’s reaction to a particular situation may seem over the top to you, but that’s because you aren’t 15! You have lived long enough to know that this experience is not the end of the world but merely part of growing up. You have learned that the first few times it can feel overwhelming, but after 20 years, you realize it is a normal and frequent part of life.

Your teenager does not have the advantage of your life experience. For your teen, the experience, the emotion, the overwhelm, and the possible confusion and anxiety created are all very real.

Their perspective will improve over time, and they will become more accustomed to the feelings associated with life’s ups and downs.

Your teenager doesn’t need you to correct their understanding of what is happening. What they need from you at that moment is to be heard.

Nothing will benefit your young person more than having someone they trust acknowledge them and their current experience as genuine in the here and now.

You don’t have to agree. You don’t even have to think it is reasonable or rational. All you have to do is accept this is how they are experiencing things and let them know you understand and hear them.

What your teen does not need from you is for their experience or feelings to be minimized. Phrases like “I’m sure it’s not that bad” or “it is going to be okay” often don’t bring comfort. Rather, these types of phrases will leave a young person feeling dismissed, misunderstood, and less likely to share with you in the future.

Validation is key to getting teenagers to talk. By acknowledging their experiences without judgment, you help them feel accepted, which is essential for building trust and encouraging open communication.

Don’t Overreact

I often tell the true story of a young man being questioned about why he wouldn’t share details of his life with his mother. When he was asked, “Is it because you think she (his mother) doesn’t care?” The young man’s response is gold: “No, I don’t tell her because she will care too much!”

This response highlights a key challenge in getting teenagers to talk: parental over-reaction.

It is not only mothers who overreact, but anecdotal evidence suggests that while dads do overreact, it is more often mothers who overwhelm their young person by their care, concern, or enthusiasm.

I tell all parents, especially caring, concerned, loving mothers, when your teen shares something with you, “keep a poker face.” Not a stern, disinterested face, but a neutral, interested but not shocked, devastated, delighted, or jumping-over-the-moon type of face.

You can feel shocked, devastated, delighted, or over the moon inside, but you don’t have to express it right away.

You can do cartwheels on the inside, but on the outside, you should remain calm, cool, and collected.

Also, don’t let your desire to know everything result in a barrage of questions that turn a conversation into an interrogation.

Most adolescents struggle to deal with their own emotions; they rarely feel like managing their parents’ emotions.

Teenagers use a large amount of emotional energy dealing with everyday life. Choosing to use some of that scarce energy to share what is happening with a parent is an effort. Being required to deal with a parent’s overly emotional response is an effort they really would rather not have to make.

If your teen thinks you will turn their disclosure into an event or a drama, the benefit of telling you will be outweighed by the aftermath, so they will avoid talking to you.

Getting teenagers to talk requires creating a supportive environment where they feel safe to share without fearing an overwhelming emotional response from their parents. By maintaining a balanced demeanour and avoiding excessive probing, you foster a space where your teenager feels comfortable opening up.

Duck on the water
Be the duck. Stay calm on the surface no matter how frantic you are beneath. Image by wirestock on Freepik

Respect Their Space

Teenagers are not like toddlers. They don’t crave your attention or need you to play with them. They do need you, and they need to know you are available and there for them. But that doesn’t mean they want you in their presence constantly.

Your young person is learning to be who they are apart from you. To do that, they need space from you. Having space from you means not being near you or talking to you.

This is a hard reality for many parents. The feelings of sadness and loss that can emerge as teens become more distant are entirely valid.

But feeling sad doesn’t mean you should invade your teenager’s space.

Let them be.

As hard as it may be, let them come to you.

Pushing into their space and demanding they talk to you will usually have the opposite effect to what you are after.

Shared Activities

Your teenager will often communicate with you more freely while engaged in a shared activity.

Whether it’s playing sports, working on a project, cooking, shopping, or even watching a favourite show, spending time together for a reason other than talking will often result in your teen talking.

Having something enjoyable to do will help your teenager feel more relaxed, with the activity at hand being the primary focus of your attention rather than them.

It doesn’t even have to be overtly enjoyable; we all know how important car trips can be for finding out what’s on your teenager’s mind!

It might also be that your teenager thinks you are more relaxed, so now might be a good time to share something with you. (Also, teens might consider public settings safer as they minimize potentially explosive parental reactions.)

Finding things you can do with your teenager, or more correctly things your teenager will do with you, is one of the best strategies to increase the amount of talking between you and your teenager.

Keep Things Positive

It can be easy during the teenage years for the balance of interactions between parents and teenagers to become more negative than positive.

No one means for that to happen. But as young people grow and desire more independence, more freedom, and more of the household Wi-Fi, it is not surprising more tension and frustration are expressed.

Over time, negative or tense interactions between parents and teens can start to outnumber positive interactions.

It’s essential for parents to consciously and consistently speak positively to their teenagers, ensuring that affirmations and encouragement outbalance criticisms and conflicts.

This may not always come naturally. Even if you must consciously create a daily task of finding positive things to say to your teenager, it is worth doing.

Focusing on creating more positive interactions than negative ones helps mitigate tensions in the relationship, which reinforces to your teen that you value and respect them.

The more positive things are the more chance you have of getting your teenager talking to you.

Cork board with Stay Positive spelt in white letters
Remember to Keep the Positivity Flowing.

Check In Regularly

You might think you have more chance of getting your border collie to complete the grocery shopping than getting a teenager to respond to you checking in on how they are doing. But it is vital you persist with checking in daily with your teen despite the overwhelming sense of futility you might have.

The practice of asking your teen every day is not about eliciting a response every time. Rather, you do it to convey to your teenager that you care and are interested in them. Even if you only get a single-word response or a grunt, there is still value in asking your teen how they are doing. Every time you ask, you reinforce the message that you care.

The other reason we check in with our teenagers every day is to create the opportunity when it really matters. Ninety-nine per cent of the time, your teenager may not respond to your question, or the answer will not be significant. The reason you ask every day is because 1% of the time it does matter, you don’t miss the opportunity.

Special tip: late at night is commonly seized upon as an opportunity for parents to get their teenagers to talk. While inconvenient and slightly problematic, late-night chats can also be some of the most significant in a parent-teen relationship.

Boys & Girls Are Different

At the risk of stating the obvious, there are significant differences between how teenage boys and teenage girls connect and communicate with parents (and everyone else!). Some of the strategies above are more applicable to one gender than the other, and many might be applied differently.

To make it a bit easier keep these 3 basic principles in mind when thinking about getting teenagers to talk to you:

1. Shoulder to Shoulder (Boys) vs. Face to Face (Girls)
• Boys often feel more comfortable communicating in a “shoulder to shoulder” manner, meaning they prefer side-by-side activities where the focus isn’t directly on talking (especially to a parent!).
• On the other hand, girls generally prefer “face-to-face” interactions. They are more inclined to sit down and have a direct conversation, making eye contact and expressing their emotions verbally.

2. Open-Ended Questions (Girls) vs. Leading Questions (Boys)
• When trying to engage in meaningful conversations, open-ended questions are particularly effective with teenage girls. Girls tend to appreciate questions that invite them to share their experiences and reflect on their emotions.
• In contrast, boys often respond better to more structured, leading questions that guide the conversation. These types of questions can help boys focus on specific topics and feel less overwhelmed by the prospect of a broad, open-ended discussion.

3. Boys Need More Time, Girls Use More Words
• Boys generally need more time to process their thoughts and emotions before they are ready to talk. Giving them the space and time, which requires patience on your part, can result in more genuine and meaningful conversations.
• Conversely, girls are often more verbal and use more words to express themselves. They are typically more comfortable discussing their emotions and may seek out conversations more frequently.

Getting teenagers to talk isn’t always easy, but it is possible with the right strategies. With a bit of intentionality, you can create an environment where your teen feels safe and encouraged to open up.

Remember, the key is to be a supportive listener, show empathy, and build trust. Keep the process light, stay patient (as best you can), and always appreciate the small steps forward.

With these strategies in place, you’ll enhance your connection with your teen and make getting teenagers to talk a natural and positive part of your relationship.

Dealing With Entitled Teenagers -The Ultimate Guide

Are you living with an Entitled teenager? Worried you have raised an entitled young adult? You aren’t alone, and there is hope (and help.)

Entitlement, in teenage terms, is when your kid thinks they’re entitled to privileges, goodies, and, let’s be honest, the wifi password without lifting a finger.

It’s a mindset that says, “Why should I make my bed when the universe should be doing it for me?” If throwing irrational tantrums were an Olympic sport, entitled teens would be gold medallists.

Living with an entitled teen or entitled young adult can be unpleasant and frustrating.

So, we have put together this ultimate guide on entitled teenagers (or entitled young adults if your teen has got older) to help parents find a way through and if possible avoid making things worse.

In this guide to entitled teenagers, we are going to cover:

  • What are the Signs of Entitled Teenagers?
  • Why Are Teenagers so Entitled?
  • How to Deal with an Entitled Teenager?

What Are the Signs of an Entitled Teenager?

Teenage entitlement can present in various behaviours, and recognizing these signs of entitlement is an important first step for addressing the issue.

Here are some common (though not exhaustive) signs of teenage entitlement:

  • Lack of Gratitude: Entitled teenagers often struggle to express gratitude for the things they receive or the efforts made on their behalf. They may take privileges, resources, or gestures of kindness for granted.
  • Unrealistic Expectations: Entitled teens may harbor unrealistic expectations about what they deserve or should have. This can extend to material possessions, special treatment, or success without putting in the necessary effort.
  • Resistance to Responsibility: Entitled teenagers may resist taking on responsibilities at home, school, or in other areas of their lives. They may expect others to handle tasks for them, contributing to a sense of dependency.
  • Lack of Empathy: A sense of entitlement can lead to a diminished ability to empathize with others. Teens may struggle to understand or appreciate the perspectives and feelings of those around them.
  • Tantrums or Outbursts: When faced with situations that challenge their sense of entitlement, teenagers may exhibit tantrums, anger, or emotional outbursts as a way to express frustration and demand compliance with their desires.
  • Difficulty Handling Criticism: Entitled teenagers may have a hard time accepting criticism or feedback. They may react defensively, viewing any critique as a personal attack on their perceived entitlements.
  • Sense of Superiority: Entitled teens may display a sense of superiority over their peers or even adults. They may believe they are inherently more deserving or special than others.
  • Manipulative Behaviour: Entitled teenagers may use manipulation to get their way, whether through guilt-tripping, emotional manipulation, or other tactics to achieve their desired outcomes.
  • Impatience: Entitled teens may struggle with patience and perseverance, expecting instant gratification and becoming frustrated when things do not go their way immediately.
  • Disregard for Rules: A sense of entitlement can lead to a disregard for rules and boundaries. Teens may believe that rules shouldn’t apply to them or that they are exempt from consequences.

Why Are Teenagers So Entitled?

Admitting to yourself that you have raised an Entitled Teenager can be a blow to your parenting ego and general mental health.

But before you lock yourself in the bathroom with a stash of chocolate and a white flag, let’s acknowledge that entitlement is not a phenomenon unique to your home. It’s like a cold—almost everyone catches it at some point.

While it is easy to blame social media, celebrity culture, or the fact that they’ve never had to rewind a VHS tape manually, the reality is teenage entitlement is likely the outcome of large societal shifts.  Factors such as a complex concoction of generational change, evolving cultural norms, changing trends in parenting styles, and the ever-growing emphasis on individualism in Western culture, have all contributed to the reality of increasingly entitled teens.

But just because it is everywhere, doesn’t mean you are helpless. Nor does it mean that your teenager needs to become an entitled young adult who is still not ready for adulthood at the age of 24!

Parents can reduce the likelihood and severity of their kids being completely consumed by the ever-present risk of entitlement, by taking some clear decisive steps.

Overindulgence

One significant root cause of teenage entitlement lies in the culture of overindulgence.

Imagine a scenario where parents consistently hand a teenager privileges and material possessions on a silver platter, creating an environment where the teenager’s desires are met without the need for effort.

Entitlement flourishes when parents are always providing the latest gadgets, fulfilling every request for transport or money without questioning, and shielding the teenager from the responsibilities that come with age.

When teens grow up in an atmosphere where everything is readily available, it fosters an expectation that the world should cater to their desires effortlessly. This continuous overindulgence can lead to a distorted perspective on the relationship between effort and reward, with entitlement becoming an unwelcome by-product.

Instant Gratification

In an era of instant noodles and on-demand everything, the prevalence of instant gratification has become another contributing factor to teenage entitlement. The ability to access information, entertainment, and goods with a click reinforces the expectation that everything should happen swiftly.

It is like the world has become one giant vending machine where you click a button, and voilà – your desires are delivered.  From expecting immediate replies to messages to avoiding tasks that require more than a single click, the desire for instant results reduces a teenager’s grit and capacity for perseverance.

This inclination towards instant gratification fuels entitlement by reinforcing the belief that their desires should be met promptly, without the need for patience or perseverance.

Lack of Responsibility

Teenage entitlement often thrives in an environment where responsibilities are either absent or unevenly distributed.

When parent’s expectations for teens are lower than a limbo bar at a beach party, entitlement will develop. Low expectations of teens regarding household chores, shielding them from financial responsibilities, or limiting the requirements for genuine decision-making, are common examples of teen’s not having to manage responsibility.

When teenagers grow up without being held accountable for their actions or without experiencing the consequences of their choices, they may develop a skewed understanding of the relationship between effort and reward. Parents are essentially communicating to teenagers, “You’re the VIP guest; we’ll take care of the boring stuff.”

This lack of responsibility can extend beyond the household to school and social interactions, where entitled teenagers may expect privileges to be granted without the need to earn them through responsible behavior.

Comparison Culture

In the age of social media with filters and flawless Instagram feeds, teenagers find themselves immersed in a comparison culture that contributes significantly to the development of entitlement.

Platforms like Instagram, Snapchat, and TikTok showcase curated snapshots of seemingly perfect lives, creating an illusion that everyone else is living in a perpetual state of abundance and happiness.

Teenagers are naturally prone to comparison (and possibly a bit too many selfies,) and lack the maturity to critically evaluate what they see and distinguish it from a more nuanced reality. As a result, teens will readily internalize these images and develop a sense of entitlement based on the belief that they deserve a life as picture-perfect as the ones they see online.

This comparison culture can distort an adolescent’s perception of reality, leading to dissatisfaction and entitlement when their own lives don’t align with the filtered narratives presented on social media.

Parenting Styles

The parenting approach employed in the formative years plays a crucial role in shaping a teenager’s outlook on entitlement.

Overprotective parenting, where parents shield their teens from challenges, conflicts, and consequences, can inadvertently nurture entitlement.

Parents indulge their kids by constantly stepping in and solving their kids’ problems be they at school, with friends, with money, or avoiding consequences for their actions in general. In this environment, teenagers neither develop the necessary problem-solving skills, nor the resilience to work through difficult situations. It’s like they grow up with a GPS that only provides directions to the easy route, leaving the scenic detours of personal growth undiscovered.

On the flip side, a lack of consistent discipline and boundaries can also contribute to entitlement as teens may perceive a lack of accountability for their actions. When boundaries are more like faint blurry lines, and accountability involves the occasional headshake, teenagers don’t learn to respect or operate within limits.

Entitled teenagers often have parents who struggle to find a balance between providing support and allowing autonomy while instilling a sense of responsibility.

What to Do About an Entitled Teenager?

The rest of this article contains key issues and initiatives to consider turning around an entitled teen.’

But before you decide to go all gung-ho and implement a raft of changes all at once, or alternatively curl up in the corner sobbing due to the crushing overwhelm, just take a deep breath, pause, and take stock of where you are right now.

Change works best when it is implemented slowly and consistently, one step at a time.

You Need a Plan !

Instead of trying to make wholesale sweeping changes do the following:

    1. Nominate: Identify the actions that you think would be most effective in dealing with your teenager’s or young adult’s sense of entitlement.
    2. Prioritise: When you have nominated which actions or strategies you think need to be applied, then prioritise  based on what needs to happen first, second, third, etc. (Hint: Responding Appropriately to your teen’s behaviour should always be near the top of the priority list – and it can be done in conjunction with another action.)
    3. Plan: Then focus on how you are going to implement the changes for the first priority. Think about; the best way to make the change, how your teen will likely respond, the best way you can mitigate the risks, what is your backup plan etc.
    4. Patience: Allow time for the changes to take effect – and remember things could well get worse before they get better – so that is why you want to take on small bite-size challenges one at a time.
    5. Don’t Give Up: Be prepared for some pushback and an increase in tantrums. Entitled teenagers can become very unhappy teenagers when their entitlements are threatened, and their comfy lifestyle disrupted. What is super important to remember when this happens is to STAY THE COURSE! Once your teen realises you are serious they will back off, but this might take a few rounds.

So with that in mind, let’s consider what are things you can do to correct your teenager’s sense of entitlement.

Respond Appropriately to Your Teens Behaviour

Choosing not to respond, or responding the wrong way, to teenage bad behaviour might seem like the path of least resistance. However, this approach contributes to and enables the development of entitlement.

When parents turn a blind eye to inappropriate conduct, they risk sending a message that there are no consequences for actions. It’s akin to letting a plant grow wild without pruning—it might look okay for a while, but eventually, it takes over the garden.

Similarly, without intervention, bad behaviour can become ingrained, and teenagers may come to expect that their actions carry no weight, fostering a sense of entitlement.

Don’t turn a blind eye if you know your teen is not behaving well. Wait for a calm moment and address the issue with them, calmly and firmly. By the way, “addressing the issue” includes outlining what the consequences are or will be next time.

Parents can also unintentionally contribute to entitlement behaviour by giving in or backing down whenever their entitled teen throws a tantrum, starts yelling, or threatens some sort of drastic behaviour when they don’t get what they want.

Entitled teenagers respond aggressively, become argumentative, or generally lose control when parents try to enforce limits, as a means of managing their parents through intimidation (and they may also lack some self-control). The entitled teen’s goal is to intimidate parents into thinking twice the next time they try to set an expectation to hold their teen accountable.

If you are in the habit of engaging with your upset teenager or persist in arguing with them, you are encouraging their sense of entitlement. They are trying to wear you down (and they will) so that soon you lower your expectations because you don’t want to deal with the consequence of your teen’s tantrum if you hold your ground.

The alternative? Walk away and don’t engage with them while they are being aggressive or argumentative. Choose to come back to them when they have calmed down.

The simple rules are – don’t let bad behaviour go unacknowledged, and don’t engage with an aggressive teen.

Set Clear Expectations

Setting expectations with teenagers is a crucial aspect of reducing your teen’s sense of entitlement.

Unlike younger children, teenagers are at a stage where they are developing a sense of autonomy and independence (you may have spotted this already.)

Clearly defining expectations provides a framework for understanding boundaries and responsibilities. It’s essential to engage in open and direct communication, discussing expectations for chores, academic responsibilities, and social activities. This straightforward approach ensures that parents make teenagers aware of what is expected of them and establishes a foundation for accountability.

When setting expectations with teenagers, it’s VITAL to involve them in the process. Rather than dictating rules from your parenting throne, consider having collaborative discussions to gather their input.

This not only demonstrates respect for their growing autonomy but also encourages a sense of ownership in adhering to the established expectations.

Involving teenagers in the decision-making process fosters a deeper understanding of the reasons behind certain limits (they have skin in the game,) making it more likely for them to willingly comply. By treating teenagers as active participants in the formation of household expectations, parents can promote a sense of responsibility and mutual respect.

Consistency is key to maintaining the effectiveness of set expectations. Teenagers, navigating the complexities of adolescence, benefit from clear and unwavering guidelines.

To this end, consequences for failure to uphold a responsibility or honour a boundary also form a vital part of setting expectations. Boundaries are only as strong as the parents follow through when teens step over the line.

If your teen comes home later than agreed, the consequence might be no weekend plans. Forgotten chores could mean spending quality time with the vacuum cleaner. The key is to establish a clear cause-and-effect relationship, much like the predictability of the sun rising each day.

Regularly revisiting and adjusting expectations based on evolving circumstances is also essential. This dynamic approach allows for ongoing communication and adaptation, ensuring that expectations remain relevant and realistic.

Overall, the process of setting expectations with teenagers serves as a foundational step in building a supportive and communicative family environment that facilitates their transition into adulthood and mitigates their becoming entitled young adults.

Let Your Teenagers Fail

Allowing teenagers to experience failure is a critical strategy in combatting entitlement and fostering resilience. Protecting your teen from the natural consequences of their actions inadvertently contributes to a sense of entitlement, as they may come to expect success without putting in the necessary effort.

Shielding them from failure is like trying to protect hot chips from seagulls at the beach—it might work for a bit, but eventually, those pesky lessons will swoop down and snatch it away. And on that occasion when your teen does encounter failure, and you aren’t able to help, your teenager will not have the skills or resilience to push through.

Allowing them to fail, however, provides a valuable lesson in accountability and the understanding that success often requires perseverance, learning from mistakes, and adapting strategies.

It is through facing the repercussions of failure that teenagers can develop a deeper appreciation for the correlation between effort and achievement, cultivate perseverance, and develop a work ethic that transcends entitlement.

Real-world scenarios rarely follow a linear path to success; you know common grown-up challenges like getting a job, finding a partner, finding somewhere to live, staying fit and healthy, those types of not straightforward real-life things.

Experiencing failure during adolescence equips teenagers with the resilience needed to confront setbacks later in life. It is through these experiences that they learn to view failure not as a defeat but as a stepping stone toward growth and self-improvement.

Ultimately, allowing teenagers to fail is an investment in their long-term well-being. It fosters a sense of self-reliance and accountability that is integral to their personal development. As they grapple with the consequences of their actions, teenagers learn valuable life lessons that extend beyond the immediate challenge, shaping their character and molding a mindset that values hard work, persistence, and a healthy understanding of success and failure.

Distinguishing Between Rights & Privileges

Teaching your teenager, the difference between rights and privileges is akin to providing them with a blueprint for responsible living and an anti-entitlement attitude. But first you as the parent need to be clear on the difference.

Rights are the fundamental aspects of their existence within the family unit. These encompass their right to shelter, food, safety, love, and support – the foundational elements that contribute to a nurturing and secure environment. In family discussions, parents should consider the foundational expectations that their teenager is entitled to, including the right to be heard and respected, and to be spoken to or treated in non-violent or harmful ways.

On the other hand, privileges are the additional benefits and opportunities that teenagers have access to or can earn based on their actions and fulfilling their obligations.

Access to a phone, electronic devices (and the free home Wi-Fi that goes with it), using a family car, being driven to and from events, or even extended curfew times can be seen as privileges. These are not guaranteed but are contingent on responsible behaviour, showing respect for established boundaries, and contributing positively to the family environment.

parents should teach their teenagers that privileges are not entitlements.

Importantly, parents should teach their teenagers that privileges are not entitlements. In other words, parents play a crucial role in conveying to their teenagers that many things taken for granted are actually privileges and can be revoked – all without violating basic human rights, a viewpoint that most entitled teenagers will passionately disagree with.

Insist on Contributions Around the House

I know, know, getting a teen to help is about as easy as folding a fitted sheet in a hurricane. However, encouraging teenagers to contribute to household responsibilities is a crucial strategy for mitigating entitlement and fostering a sense of responsibility.

As adolescents transition towards independence, actively involving them in household chores provides a tangible connection between their actions and the well-being of the family unit. This engagement serves as a practical lesson in accountability, teaching teens that their contributions directly impact the shared environment.

By participating in tasks such as cleaning, cooking, or maintaining shared spaces, teenagers develop a deeper appreciation for the efforts required to sustain a household, instilling a sense of responsibility that transcends personal entitlement. (And it also increases the chance of them finding a life partner and leaving home before they are 30!)

Moreover, involving teenagers in household responsibilities prepares them for the realities of adult life. Learning essential life skills, such as cooking, cleaning, and time management, becomes integral to their overall development. This proactive engagement also helps instil a work ethic and a recognition that success and comfort are often the results of collective effort rather than entitlement.

What are your teenager’s or young adults’ responsibilities at home?

What happens when your teenager fails to follow through or uphold their end of household tasks?

Teach Financial Responsibility

Teaching teenagers financial responsibility is a crucial life skill that equips them with the skills needed to navigate and appreciate personal finances. The awareness that managing money requires effort, choices, and discipline helps diminish entitlement and will potentially save you money in the long run.

Start by providing teens with a practical understanding of income, expenses, and savings. Making it very clear what expenses your teen is expected to cover and what things you are willing to pay for is an effective means of achieving this.

Encourage them to set financial goals, whether short-term or long-term, and develop a budget that aligns with those objectives.  This process not only imparts a sense of financial discipline but also fosters an appreciation for planning and prioritizing spending.

Simple trade-offs such as reducing daily luxuries are sometimes necessary to achieve larger financial goals. Making coffee at home before going out teaches the art of appreciating simple pleasures without breaking the bank, fostering an understanding that fulfillment doesn’t always come with a hefty price tag. Meanwhile, two-minute- noodles, a staple in many college dorms, become a metaphor for resourcefulness and adaptability.

Create opportunities for your teenager to gain hands-on experience where they experience the direct relationship between effort and financial reward. Be it through completing chores for some or all their allowance, or getting a part-time job, exposing your teen to the real-world reality of how money works, and learning to appreciate its value, provides them with a much healthier set of expectations when it comes to money.

Teaching your teen that money does not grow on trees but is more likely to appear after working in a drive-thru or babysitting, is a sure-fire way to reduce entitlement.

Foster a Sense of Gratitude

Encouraging gratitude in teenagers serves as a powerful antidote to the toxic effects of entitlement, fostering a mindset that appreciates and values what they have.  Teenagers and young adults with a sense of entitlement often struggle to value what others give them or recognize acts of kindness.

One effective approach to teaching gratitude to an entitled teenager is incorporating a daily gratitude practice into their routine. Encouraging them to keep a gratitude journal where they jot down a few things they are thankful for each day helps shift their focus from what they lack to what enriches their lives. If this seems as unlikely as winning an argument with a goat, you might let them know there is an app for that!

If that all still seems too much, try to get in the habit of asking regularly about something they are grateful for.

Modeling gratitude is equally vital. When parents express their own gratitude for simple pleasures or acknowledge the efforts of others, teenagers are more likely to adopt a similar perspective. Verbalizing appreciation for the small gestures, like a shared family meal or a helping hand from a friend, helps teenagers understand the value of recognizing and appreciating kindness.

Creating a family culture where expressions of gratitude are the norm establishes a foundation for humility and counters the entitled mindset that often accompanies adolescence.

Modeling Un-Entitled Behaviours

First and foremost, parents can showcase a work ethic that emphasizes the connection between effort and reward. By demonstrating a commitment to their own responsibilities, whether it’s managing household chores, pursuing a career, or engaging in community activities, parents provide a tangible example of the value of hard work.

This modeling helps counter the entitlement mindset, by proving that the remote control doesn’t come with a built-in entitlement button, sending a clear (if sometimes ignored) message that success in life requires a bit more effort than just mastering the art of Netflix binging.

Moreover, parents can exemplify humility and gratitude in their daily lives. Expressing appreciation for the efforts of others, acknowledging the role of external support in personal achievements, and demonstrating a willingness to learn from mistakes contribute to a well-rounded model of behaviour.

And don’t forget that your ability to laugh at yourself and life’s little mishaps also sends a clear message to your teen. By turning everyday scenarios into laugh-out-loud lessons, parents create a family culture where acknowledging mistakes is as normal as realizing you’ve been wearing your shirt inside out all day.

This relaxed approach helps teenagers see that life is more sitcom than melodrama and that humility and gratitude are the secret ingredients to a successful and entertaining storyline.

Next Steps with Your Entitled Teenager

Living with an entitled teenager or entitled young adult is hard. Admitting to yourself that you might have raised an entitled kid is sometimes just as hard.

But change starts by acknowledging and accepting where you are right now – even if that means acknowledging you are standing in a big pile of smelly stuff!

Hopefully, this article has helped you to see that entitled kids are a symptom of our age, and while your current situation may be unpleasant it doesn’t have to stay that way.

Consider what would be the best steps to take with your teenager (or young adult), prioritise, then focus all your energy on implementing the first few changes.

Accepting the Teenager You Have

Teenage Boy pulling face tongue out

It’s time to have a heart-to-heart conversation about the important issue of accepting the teenager you have – the real one, not the one you might have dreamed of.

We’ve all been there, right? You picture yourself raising this perfect, angelic, straight-A student who’s a star athlete and never rolls their eyes.

But then reality smacks you right in the face. Your teenager is their own person with their quirks, interests, and, yes, eye rolls.

And that’s okay! In fact, it’s more than okay; it’s essential.

But it doesn’t always feel okay. Sometimes it can be hard as a parent to allow for reality to be okay. Our hopes and desires for our kids are real. And often it can be difficult, even painful to let our dreams fade.

As hard as it might be sometimes, it is vital for our teen’s well-being, and for our own sanity, to make sure we are parenting the teenager we have – the one right in front of us – warts and all.

Adolescence is all about change; as a parent, you are there to help manage that change (and provide snacks.) The key to successful change management is acceptance of where you are starting from.

It is great that you want your teen to grow and mature into a fine young adult, but for that to happen you need to accept who they really are right now.

The Perils of Ideal Parenting

Let’s face it, we’ve all had those dreams of our child growing up to be a Nobel Prize-winning scientist, an acclaimed artist, or the world’s most brilliant mathematician. But guess what? Your teenager might not have received the memo. Instead, they may be more interested in video games, social media, and sleeping until noon.

The truth is, your teenager isn’t a character in your idealistic novel. They’re a unique individual with their own interests, quirks, personality, and odour in their bedroom.

Your teenager may not be the prodigy you imagined, but that’s absolutely fine. In fact, it’s the norm. Teens are in a phase of self-discovery, and it’s essential to remember that they are forming their identity. And we need to stress “forming”; your adult son will turn out to be a bit more sophisticated than the current 14-year-old version – so just go with it for now!

In our quest to mold our children into the successful adults we envision, we sometimes lose sight of the most important aspect of parenting: embracing who they are and helping them become the best version of themselves. Accepting the teenager you have requires you to chuck the imaginary script and work with what you’ve got, quirks and all.

Individuality Matters

Teenagers are notorious for asserting their independence and individuality. This is not a phase; it’s a vital part of growing up. As parents, we must recognize and support these emerging individual traits and tastes, no matter how much they may differ from our own.

Think about it this way: if your teenager were exactly the person you wished them to be, life would be as thrilling as watching paint dry on a cloudy day. Yawn! Their quirky interests, eccentric hobbies, and outlandish viewpoints are what keep the family drama intriguing and fuel their personal growth.

Accepting the teenager you have means the goal is not to mold them into your image but to guide and support them as they discover who they are; and that will sometimes feel a little bit messy!

Resist the Comparison Trap

It’s tempting to compare your teenager to other teens. You might think, “Why can’t my kid be as organized as Sarah’s child? Why can’t they get the same grades as David?”

This comparison game can quickly lead to frustration and disappointment. Your teenager is not a cookie-cutter version of someone else’s child, and you shouldn’t expect them to be.

Instead, focus on your teenager’s individual strengths and celebrate their achievements. Learn to see your teenager’s unique quirks and traits as individual superpowers even if those superpowers involve perfectly reciting banal pop-songs or having the ability to sleep through an earthquake.

Your teenager might not be the perfect student, but they could be an incredible artist or a budding entrepreneur. Instead of lamenting their less-than-stellar report card, focus on their strengths. What are they passionate about? What are they good at? By recognizing and nurturing these strengths, you’re not just helping them excel; you’re also helping them build self-esteem and confidence.

Celebrate their achievements, whether they’re small, medium, or “I can’t believe you did that!” size. Your teenager might surprise you with talents you never knew they had.

Your teenager’s unique talents and interests could lead to fulfilling careers or hobbies later in life – careers or hobbies you have never heard of.  Accepting the teenager you have involves celebrating and encouraging their strengths – not comparing them with the kids next door.

Set Realistic Expectations

We all want our kids to succeed, but we must be realistic about our expectations. If your teenager has never shown a penchant for science beyond microwaving a frozen burrito, it’s unlikely they’ll suddenly become a rocket scientist overnight. Pushing your teen too hard or in the wrong direction can lead to stress and resentment.

When we set unrealistic expectations for our kids it damages their confidence and self-belief. A lack of confidence in one area of life will often translate into a lack of belief and low motivation in all areas of life.

So, let’s get real and tailor your expectations to your teenager’s unique set of skills and interests. Encourage them to shine in areas that light their fire, rather than attempting to stuff them into a predetermined mold that’s more rigid than Grandma’s antique china cabinet. Remember, it’s okay for them to choose a path that doesn’t align with your dreams; it’s their life, after all.

Accepting the teenager you have means having and setting expectations your teenager (the one you have right now in front of you) can realistically meet.

The Importance of Boundaries

While we’re all for embracing the unique qualities of your teenager, it’s equally important to set boundaries. Teenagers need structure and guidelines to navigate the complex world they’re entering. Your teenager may not always show it, but they actually crave these boundaries.

Establish clear rules and consequences and be consistent with your enforcement. The key is to strike a balance between allowing them to explore their independence and providing the safety net of your guidance. It’s like releasing them into the wilderness, but you’ve discreetly hidden a trail of breadcrumbs just in case they decide to go full Hansel and Gretel.

A common trap parents fall into when setting boundaries is imagining an overly idealised version of their teenager: the one that is always responsible and would never make bad or dangerous decisions. When this happens, parents tend to not set protective boundaries or they turn a blind eye to their teen’s behaviour and lack of compliance. In both cases, the teenager ultimately suffers because parents aren’t setting them up well for adulthood.

Boundaries should be negotiated with your teenager, based on their actual demonstrated capacity to be trustworthy and responsible; not based on how you wish they behaved.

Accepting the teenager you have requires you to be honest with yourself about your teen’s trustworthiness, maturity level, and behaviour – even if the truth makes you question if anything you say is getting through.

Everyone Makes Mistakes

Mistakes are a natural part of growing up. The teenage years are like a crash course in trial and error, with a heavy emphasis on the “error” part. While we’d love to protect them from life’s hardships, it’s essential to allow them to experience and learn from their mistakes.

So, instead of shielding them from the inevitable chaos of life, let them make those minor blunders now. That way, they’ll learn just what eventually happens when the fuel gauge is on “Empty” for 4 days, or that you shouldn’t trust the “one-size-fits-all” label. It’s better to have them mess up a few times under your watchful eye than to face epic challenges later when they’re living on their own, and you’re on speed dial as their emergency life coach.

And remember, it’s all about support, not judgment. When they accidentally dye the bathroom towels pink, don’t scold them like they’ve committed a capital offense. Instead, hand them some bleach, laugh it off, and say, “Well, I guess it’s a good thing we needed new towels anyway!” This is all part of helping them develop resilience and awareness.

Communicate, But Listen More

News flash – your teenager probably thinks they know everything there is to know about life. And sometimes it might feel like they’re auditioning for the lead role in “The World’s Most Stubborn Individual.” But here’s the secret: you have to connect with them. It’s like a Jedi mind trick – just keep repeating it in your head, “I will communicate with my teen.”

But communication is not just about you delivering your stirring monologues about homework, chores, and curfew. Communication is a two-way street, like a game of catch, except instead of a ball, it’s understanding and trust being tossed back and forth. You should talk to your teen, yes, but you should also listen. And here’s the kicker – you should listen even more.

I know, I know, it sounds crazy. But the real treasure lies in what they have to say. Sometimes it’s about their friend’s veganism or the latest TikTok obsession, and you might be tempted to roll your eyes and mutter something about “back in your day.” But resist that urge! You’d be amazed at the world of insights and opinions your teenager holds, and occasionally, they might just drop a wisdom bomb on you that you weren’t prepared for.

If you have preconceived ideas or dreams of your teenager coming to you for heart-felt deep and meaningful conversations every day, or passionately debating the very serious events of the world, you run the risk of missing out on connecting with your offspring.

Your teenager is going through a whirlwind of emotions, peer pressures, and changes in their life. They need a sounding board about their life, someone to confide in. And that someone should be you– even if what they are sharing might seem as important as crumbs in the toaster tray. As you get to hear from them, you will discover more about the wonderfully unique person your teenager is.

So, next time your teen rambles on about their favourite TV show or an obscure video game you don’t understand, don’t dismiss it. Instead, pretend it’s the most fascinating thing you’ve ever heard. When you accept the teenager you have by communicating well, you might find a new level of understanding and connect with your them in ways you never thought possible.

Unconditional Love

It might sound cliché, but it is the absolute essential of parenting the teenager you have; loving them unconditionally.

No matter how different your teenager may be from the one you initially imagined, your love for them should remain unwavering. Show them that they are accepted, valued, and cherished for who they genuinely are (even with that haircut.)

In a world full of peer pressure, social media, and academic stress, they should feel that they can always return to your support, love, and understanding.

Don’t judge or criticize their choices if you disagree with them and think their taste in music is appalling. Instead, offer input and guidance in a way that respects their autonomy. And, most importantly, reassure them that you love them unconditionally. They need to know that your love is unwavering, no matter what.

Accepting The Teenager You Have

Sometimes the teenager you have seems like a far cry from the one you wished for. But here’s the truth: embracing the teenager you have is not just important; it’s a necessity. Their individuality, quirks, and unique qualities are what make them who they are.

Your role as a parent is not to control, but to guide, support, and love unconditionally. By fostering open communication, allowing them to learn from mistakes, embracing their individuality, and having realistic expectations, you’ll be helping them on their journey to becoming confident, self-sufficient adults.

So, let go of the perfect image you once had and learn to accept the beautifully imperfect, gloriously messy, eye-rolling, mumbling teenager you have. They may just surprise you with their resilience, potential, and just occasionally, their heartwarming love for you.

Images by Freepik

The Importance of Parent Self-Care: Raising Teens with Sanity Intact

Parenting teens is an adventure unlike any other, and it comes with a unique set of challenges and rewards. Mood swings are an Olympic sport, “because I said so” becomes your favourite catchphrase, and discovering more about who your young person is can be amazing and terrifying all at once. During this time of life, it’s easy to forget one crucial thing: parent self-care.

Parents of teenagers are often juggling full and complex lives of their own, on top of raising adolescents and all the additional stresses and demands that entails. Between managing everyone’s social schedules, keeping the fridge stocked, and bills paid, all while insisting on having “family time,” it can be very easy as a parent to neglect looking after yourself.

In this post, we’ll delve into the world of parent self-care for those raising teens and explore why it’s not just important but essential.

Parent Self-Care: You Need to be Breathing to Help Others

Remember those pre-flight safety demonstrations where they tell you to secure your own oxygen mask before assisting others? When parenting teenagers, the same principle is in play – and it’s not about being prepared to crash and burn.

The principle is that you can’t be an effective caregiver if you’re gasping for air yourself.

Self-care is not selfish; it’s self-preservation. It’s about replenishing your physical, mental, and emotional reserves so you can be there for your teenager and your family in general. When you prioritize self-care, you’re saying, “I matter too,” and you’re making sure you have the stamina to weather the teenage storms, from mood swings to late-night curfew negotiations.

When you don’t practice self-care and fail to look after yourself, it has a detrimental effect on your family. By neglecting your well-being, you increase levels of tension and stress within your family. And if there is one thing a family home with teenagers doesn’t need, it’s someone else contributing to the stress levels.

Burnt-out, bitter, and distracted parents rarely produce happy, calm, and grateful kids or peaceful homes. Your teenager doesn’t benefit from a version of you that is worn out and resentful due to a lack of parent self-care. Your teenager needs the best version of you that you can muster. Of course, there will be some days when the best version of you and the busy, stressed-out, donkey-on-the-edge version of you are not that far apart – that is because you are human. But, in general, your teenager is better off when you are being the best version of “you” that you can be.

The way to give yourself the best chance of being the best version of yourself is to take self-care seriously. Look after yourself so you can look after your kids. Get your oxygen mask on first, and then you can start worrying about the rest of the family!

Save Yourself Face Mask GIF

Beyond Bubble Baths: Authentic Parent Self-Care

When you hear “self-care,” it can be easy to think of bubble baths and scented candles. While those might be delightful options to some, that is not an image that floats everyone’s boat. When we are talking about self-care, all we mean is looking after yourself (but self-care sounds cooler, so we use that.)

The beauty of self-care is its adaptability. It’s not a one-size-fits-all concept. It’s about finding what resonates with you and brings you a sense of renewal, rest, and re-creation (for some, that could be using alliteration.)

For you as a parent of teenagers, parent self-care might mean a brisk jog in the park, a journaling session to release your inner monologue, a night of laughter with friends (the kind that leaves your abs sore the next day), or finding time for regular meditation and prayer.

It might mean going on a hot date with your partner (where you splurge on dessert and have more than one drink), taking time every day to read another couple of chapters of your favourite paperback, walking on the beach, throwing in a line at your secret fishing spot, or tending to your rose garden.

It could involve seeking professional help to navigate the maze of emotions and thoughts that are making life difficult, a sneaky afternoon nap occasionally, or diving into a creative project that rekindles your passion.

Self-care is not a term reserved for spa treatments and pedicures. Parent self-care is doing whatever it takes to help you keep in touch with who you are and what you value. It is about committing to practices and routines that enable you to maintain your sanity, curiosity, and energy as a parent.

Remember, there’s no one-size-fits-all; it’s about finding what works for you.

Guilt-Free Parenting: Well Almost…

Guilt and parenting go together like calories and ice cream. If there is one thing the modern parent doesn’t lack, it is reasons and prompts to feel guilty about how they are raising their teenager. Guilt often creeps in when parents consider taking time for themselves. You might think, “Shouldn’t I be dedicating every second to my teenager or family?” If you are thinking that, then we are here to help. The answer is NO!

Self-care isn’t a guilty pleasure; it’s a necessity. Self-care isn’t taking from your family; it’s giving yourself every opportunity to consistently show up, contribute, and be there for your family. When you prioritize self-care, you’re not neglecting your teenager; you’re boosting your ability to be present and supportive.

In fact, practicing self-care sends a clear message to your teenager—that self-compassion and self-respect are non-negotiable. It shows them that it’s perfectly acceptable to have needs and to meet them.

Me-Time: The Oxygen You Need

“Me-time” might feel like a distant memory from your pre-parenting days, but that does not mean you should consider it a luxury; it’s a necessity, especially when parenting teenagers. Amidst the whirlwind of teenage drama, the stress of work, packing lunches, and the ceaseless buzzing of smartphones, finding moments of solitude becomes crucial.

“Me-time” is not a selfish escape; it’s your oxygen mask. It’s those moments that enable you to breathe. It’s a chance to rediscover your individuality outside of the parent role. Whether you spend it reading a book, pursuing a hobby, or simply sitting in blissful silence, these moments of solitude recharge your spirit.

By incorporating “me-time” into your routine, you’re not neglecting your responsibilities; you’re enhancing your capacity to meet them. A well-rested and fulfilled parent is better equipped to engage in meaningful conversations, provide guidance, and offer a listening ear to your teenager. A well-rested parent is also more patient and less susceptible to having your buttons pushed.

So when thinking about parent self-care, embrace “me-time” as a lifeline, and remember, it’s not about quantity but quality.

Recharge Your Parenting Powers: The Vital Role of Sleep

In all the talk about parent self-care, there’s one crucial aspect that parents often overlook: rest. Yes, that’s right, folks, we need to talk about the magic of catching some Z’s. You remember sleep, it was that thing you used to do until midday when you were young and without kids.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Rest? With a job, housework, and teenagers to run around. Ha!” Trust me, I get it. But here’s the scoop: rest is the unsung hero of self-care, and it’s time we give it the recognition it deserves. Sleep doesn’t sound as exciting or indulgent as other forms of self-care, but it is as important as it is boring.

When you are sleep-deprived (and many adults are), you are starting your parenting day on the back foot – in fact, you are likely to struggle with most parts of your day when sleep-deprived. Quality sleep is your parenting elixir, your magical potion for handling back-chat, eye-rolls, and wet towels on the bathroom floor!

When you’ve had enough sleep, you’ve got more patience, you can handle meltdowns with zen-like calmness and are better able to avoid being a grouchy grumble bum. Plus, you’re less likely to mistake the sugar jar for the saltshaker during breakfast chaos.

Just to be clear, sleep isn’t just lying on the couch, binge-watching your favourite Netflix show (although a perfectly valid self-care option). Sleep is closing your eyes and disappearing into the cosy nothingness of proper slumber.

Parenting a teenager can make getting adequate sleep a challenge. Lying awake waiting for them to come home a couple of nights a week can create a sleep debt that you struggle to recover from. And as they get older, they go to bed later, so that can throw your sleep routine out the window – especially if you need to be up earlier than them to have any hope of getting everything done. Not to mention that the older you get, the lighter you sleep!

Don’t neglect your own evening routines and make sure you get to bed at a reasonable time. Be inventive (by “inventive,” we mean “sneaky”) and find opportunities in the week when no one else is around, and you can get a cheeky power nap. Embrace your inner cat, find a warm spot, and see how much better you feel after a quick 20-minute snooze.

Parent Self Care - Woman sleeping outside by latern
Image by Rolanda from Pixabay

Embrace Imperfection: Realistic Expectations in Parenting

We all want to be superparents, but let’s face it, even superheroes have their off days. It’s okay to admit that parenting isn’t always rainbows and unicorns; it’s messy, unpredictable, and filled with a healthy quota of disappointing moments. Parenting isn’t about perfection; it’s about doing your best while embracing the chaos.

Maintaining realistic expectations is a vital part of parent self-care. Realistic expectations mean understanding that you won’t have it all together all the time, and that’s perfectly fine. You’re not going to whip up gourmet dinners every night, your house might resemble a tornado zone from time to time, and your teenagers will have moments that make you question your life choices, but that’s okay.

When you set realistic expectations, you give yourself permission to be human. And when you can set realistic expectations for your teenager, you also give them permission to be human. All be it, humans who are changing rapidly and have not yet fully mastered managing their emotions, their thoughts, or the ability to speak in full sentences!

It isn’t fair to you or your teenager to expect they will never be vague or forgetful, or that their emotions will never get the best of them.

It is realistic to expect that there will be seasons in your adolescent’s life when they won’t communicate well.  Expect they will challenge you more.  And you need to expect days when they will have big mood swings on a seemingly hour-by-hour basis. You are parenting a teenager. Set your expectations accordingly.

So cut yourself and your teenager some slack, lower the bar from perfection to “doing our best,” and remember that imperfection is something that parents share with teenagers. Be gracious. You’ve got this!

Habitual Self-Care: Turning Survival into a Lifestyle

Parent self-care isn’t a one-time event; it’s a lifelong practice, like brushing your teeth or turning off all the lights left on by your kids. To reap its full benefits, turn it into a habit, like your daily cup of coffee (or let’s be real, your five daily cups of coffee).

Start small by dedicating specific moments for self-care in your daily or weekly routine. For many parents, finding the time to care for yourself can be more difficult than licking your elbow. But even if you are time-poor and tired, prioritize finding a little slice of me-time in your schedule; on your commute to work, just before bed, early in the mornings, etc. Every bit makes a difference!

Communicate your self-care needs with your partner and family. Ask them if they can help you carve out the space you need. By involving them, you not only gain support but also teach your teenager the importance of self-care for everyone in the family.

Finally, embrace self-care as an act of self-love and self-preservation. When you prioritize your well-being, you become a happier, healthier, and more resilient parent, capable of navigating the teenage rollercoaster with style and a mischievous smile.

Parent Self-Care quiet place for coffee
Photo by Kris Atomic on Unsplash

Parent Self-Care Matters

Remember, taking care of yourself isn’t just an option; it’s a necessity.

Embracing self-care isn’t about selfishness; it’s about ensuring that you have the physical, mental, and emotional reserves necessary to weather the teenage storms. Your teenager needs the best version of you, and that version is nurtured through self-care.

It’s not just bubble baths and candles; parent self-care is anything that rejuvenates your spirit, from jogging in the park to enjoying a good book. It’s your escape hatch to recharge and maintain your sanity, curiosity, and energy as a parent.

Don’t let guilt be the thief of your self-care; it’s not an indulgence, but rather, it’s a lifeline. Prioritizing self-care shows your teenager the importance of self-compassion and self-respect.

“Me-time” isn’t a luxury; it’s your oxygen. By carving out moments for yourself, you’re enhancing your capacity to be a better parent. Quality sleep is the unsung hero; it equips you to handle the parenting chaos with grace and patience.

Parenting is a beautiful mess, and imperfection is a badge of honour. Setting realistic expectations for yourself and your teenager is a vital ingredient to maintaining your parenting sanity.

Your self-care is not an indulgence; it’s essential for a happier, healthier, and more resilient parenting journey. Embrace it with love, for yourself and for the incredible teenager you’re guiding into adulthood.

 

Parenting an Unmotivated Teenager

This article calls out some of the most common feelings and mindsets experienced by parents who are struggling with unmotivated teenagers have, and offers some practical ideas on how to take positive steps forward and deal constructively with your teenager’s lack of motivation.

Continue reading

Helping Teenagers Maintain Important Relationships During Social Distancing 

Physical distancing requirements during the Covid-19 pandemic mean that a lot is being asked of your teens at the moment. We’re now in a climate where every single person has a social responsibility to look after the health of the community. Our teenagers are seeing, for the first time in their lives, how interconnected our world is. When a disease can go from person to person and spread around the world, it is easy for them to see how their actions affect others.

Relationships with friends and romantic interests are really important to your teenager, now more than ever. Their sexuality is emerging and they are beginning to mature and discover a sense of self that is separate to their family and to you. Being physically distanced from their friends, partners and family is especially challenging because they are still learning about how relationships work.

ReachOut also has a whole heap of other tips on how to support your teen during the Coronavirus crisis, covering topics like routines, study stress, uncertainty and family wellbeing.

Ways to stay connected:

Partners and friends

Encourage your teenagers to stay in touch with their friends, even when they can’t see them in real life. FaceTime, Snapchat, phone calls and Tiktoks are all ways that teenagers are able to communicate, and offer them moments of creativity and connection while still remaining safe.

Now that visiting other people in their homes is allowed, support your teenager to do this safely.. Now’s the time to have a conversation and remind our teenagers that they still need to be keeping their distance from their friends. Teenagers naturally want physical contact; they instinctively shake hands, hug their friends and, of course, want to be affectionate or sexual with their partners. We have to remind them that they, too, have a responsibility to keep everyone safe.

Sports teams

Team sports give teenagers access to a lot of social as well as physical interaction and they are sure to be missing it. Dancers spend a lot of time in each other’s arms, football players bump up against each other as they scrabble for the ball, and most teams encourage camaraderie through high-fives when points are scored or putting their hands in the centre of a circle for a chant.

Encouraging your teenagers to meet their teammates (following state guidelines, of course) for runs or bike rides, can be a great way of making sure that those connections remain, even when sport is cancelled. It will give them a chance to blow off some steam, have some fun and perhaps even allow them to support each other around what’s happening in their lives.

There’s a lot of extra time at home at the moment and it’s ok if you let your teen play video games a bit more than usual. There are lots of games that teens can play in teams where they can utilise the same skills they would use if they were playing a physical game. In games like Roblox or Minecraft have shared experiences where up to four players work together to build worlds. Their decision making, responsibility and strategy-building skills are all being used while they communicate constantly over their headsets. What a great way to still feel part of a team!

Online classes are also a good way for teammates to keep connected. Your child and their friends can all do yoga or a workout class with their coach by Zoom. We’ve even heard about teams doing online cooking lessons or skill-sharing sessions, not related to sport. Not only will they connect with their friends, they’re maintaining their fitness levels and team camaraderie for when sports resume.

Grandparents and the elderly/vulnerable

It’s hard for kids knowing that their grandparents are locked away, even if it is for safety reasons. FaceTime and phone calls are great ways to stay in touch but technology is not always as appreciated by the more senior members of the family. We’ve heard from lots of young people that they’re looking for non-screen related activities to keep them occupied at the moment (yep, teens can get Zoom fatigue too!). Encourage them to write letters, paint or draw – it will create connection but also allow them some time away from the computer.

Facilitate visits to the homes of elderly people in your life. Just because you can’t physically touch, doesn’t mean you can’t sit outside in the fresh air and have a conversation while dropping off their groceries.

Siblings and your own household

Now is the perfect time to forge stronger connections between family members. The people who live in your house are the only people teenagers can be affectionate with. Encourage them to engage in physical activities that do include touch. Basketball or a game of Twister are good examples of shared experiences which gives siblings the opportunity to interact with each other in positive ways.

Other bonding activities include:

  • Working together on a garden project
  • Having a family game night
  • Doing a dance challenge on Tiktok as a family (embarrassing as it may be!)
  • Creating a Bin Isolation Outing video
  • Having an Action Hour where every family member works hard to complete the most number of chores
  • Collaborate on a family vision board of everything you want to do once this is over

Family and friends who live elsewhere

At present, most states and territories have closed their borders which means that visits to beloved family and friends are not possible, and no one really knows when things will change. This can be especially sad for teenagers who usually see their loved ones regularly.

Utilise the technology available to maintain close relationships. Make sure you encourage and facilitate daily conversations with your loved ones. Physical distance doesn’t have to mean emotional distance. You could also try encouraging your teen to get creative with the ways they let these loved ones in on what’s happening for them. Some ideas include: writing a blog, creating videos together, cooking a meal on Zoom and watching a movie at the same time and messaging about it.

This is a really uncertain time for teenagers and one thing that will make it better for them is to maintain relationships with those close to them. Make time for your teens to talk with you too and think of this as a perfect opportunity to connect with your teenager in a really meaningful way.

 

This article was provided by our friends at ReachOut Parents Australia. 

Reach Out is a not for profit organisation in Australia which helps parents support their teenagers through everyday issues and tough times. They also offer a sister site aimed specifically at youth called ReachOut .