Something that Netflix’s Adolescence triggered for me..
Of all the confronting moments in Netflix’s miniseries Adolescence, one scene has stayed with me more than any other. It comes in Episode Four, when we see the parents grappling with what has happened. We sit with them—in their bedroom, in their disbelief and utter heartache—as they argue, cry, and try to piece together the impossible.
It’s the gut-wrenching despair of realising something unimaginable has happened under their roof. The shame. The questioning. The failure. The silence filled with what-ifs. That moment—more than any twist in the plot—is what lingers for me.
Because while the show is fiction, that feeling? It’s painfully familiar to many parents. The fear that we’re missing something. The quiet dread that maybe we didn’t see what we should have. The overwhelming sense of helplessness in a world where our kids live half their lives behind screens.
Adolescence explores many difficult themes—radicalisation, identity, harm, sexual expression—but that final, heartbreaking episode with the parents holds up a mirror. It reminds us that even good, loving parents can feel lost when it comes to the digital world their kids are navigating.
But rather than retreat into guilt or helplessness, are we better off asking this:
What kind of digital world are our kids growing up in—and what can we do about it?
When Parents Feel Helpless (But Don’t Have to Be)
Among the many themes that Adolescence explores, there’s one that hits particularly close to home for a lot of parents: the feeling of helplessness.
Green Falls—the fictional town in the show—represents not just a place, but a mindset that many of us can recognise. A place where parents and adults feel like they’ve lost control.
The digital world is overwhelming. And because most of us didn’t grow up with smartphones in our pockets or social media shaping our worldview, it’s easy to assume we’re unqualified to respond.
We shrug, sigh, and say things like, “That’s just how it is for kids these days.”
But here’s the truth: we’re not powerless.
Think about it.
Most of us grew up with water safety messages, bike helmets, seatbelt campaigns, and Slip-Slop-Slap ads. We were taught that certain environments carried risk—and that sensible, consistent behaviour reduced harm.
We understood the risks. We learned the responses. And when it came to our own kids, we took those lessons seriously.
We intuitively get the logic of age-appropriate limits. We don’t let toddlers play by the road. We don’t let five-year-olds swim at a surf beach unsupervised. We don’t let 10-year-olds drive cars on motorways. We gradually increase independence based on maturity, skill, and context. That’s a proactive approach, not panic.
Digital life is no different.
The risks are newer, and the responses might feel less clear—but the parenting approach doesn’t need to change. We don’t need to be experts in every app or social media platform. What we need is the same mindset we bring to every other safety issue:
- Understand the environment.
- Get clear about the risks.
- Respond with practical, consistent strategies.
Just because we didn’t grow up with smartphones in our hands doesn’t mean we can’t lead the way now. Familiarity isn’t a prerequisite for responsibility—and not being born into it is no excuse for backing away from it.
As parents, we can still have agency in how we shape the digital habits of our family.
We can still shape the conditions our kids grow up in.
The Myth of the “Neutral Platform”
One of the most dangerous assumptions we make as parents is that social media is neutral—just a tool—and that if we raise “good kids” and apply the right filters, they’ll be fine.
But that’s exactly the trap.
It’s not just the obvious risks—like explicit content or cyberbullying—that make platforms dangerous. It’s the algorithm itself.
These platforms don’t just show users what they ask for. They use artificial intelligence to push emotionally engaging, often provocative content based on what holds attention, even if that content is unhealthy or harmful.
So while we may think, “My child wouldn’t go looking for that,” the algorithm doesn’t care what they’re looking for. It cares what they linger on. It watches. It learns. And it curates a feed that increasingly pulls them into emotional extremes—often without them realising it’s happening.
And the issue isn’t just confined to misogynistic or incel-type content. The rabbit holes can lead anywhere: violent videos, hyper-sexualised influencers, unrealistic body ideals, eating disorder promotion, self-harm glorification, or identity-fracturing narratives. Any content that exploits vulnerability and captures emotional attention is fair game for the algorithm.
Why? Because these platforms aren’t designed for teen wellbeing, they’re designed for profit. And they make money by keeping eyeballs on screens for as long as possible.
The science is clear: the fastest way to hold attention is to trigger emotion, and the darker, more extreme, or more provocative the content, the better it performs
In Adolescence, we don’t watch the descent—we witness the aftermath. The violence has already happened. But what’s left unsaid is just as chilling: the digital influences that may have shaped his thinking weren’t sought out—they were served up.
This isn’t about demonising all social media platforms or everything online. It’s about recognising that online platforms and the algorithms behind them aren’t neutral, and our children aren’t immune—no matter how well-raised or responsible they are.
The question isn’t just “What’s on the app?”
It’s “What’s the platform designed to do—and how is it shaping my child?”
Why Digital Habits at Home Matter More Than Ever
Teenagers are not just small adults.
Their brains are still developing. Emotional regulation is a work in progress. Impulse control comes and goes like bad wifi—especially when they’re hungry, hormonal, or someone just looked at them wrong in the hallway.
The teenage brain is particularly wired for risk, reward, and emotional intensity. Social media doesn’t just meet those needs—it amplifies them. With its endless loops of instant gratification, peer validation, highlight reels, and algorithmically curated content, it feeds into every developmental vulnerability: impulsivity, heightened emotional reactivity, sensitivity to social comparison, and the pressure to build an identity while still figuring out who they are.
And the digital world doesn’t wait for them to mature. It floods them with stimuli, choices, comparisons, and curated lives. In that swirl, it’s not surprising that even the most grounded teens can lose their way.
That’s why teens don’t just “use” social media—it shapes them. And it’s why our parenting responses need to be thoughtful, informed, and attuned to the realities of adolescent development.
I know—it’s a lot. We’re not expected to solve all of it this weekend. But a clearer picture helps us make smarter calls, one conversation at a time.
For a visual summary of these insights, refer to the infographic I have put together previously, Teenagers & Social Media: Understanding The Risks available here.
As parents, we can’t out-tech the tech. But we can shape the environment they grow up in.
Here are four useful places to start:
1. Delay the Social Media Feed
The earlier teens are exposed to algorithm-driven feeds like TikTok, Instagram Reels, or Snapchat Discover and Spotlight , the more likely their digital diet will be shaped by emotional manipulation rather than intentional use.
Wait as long as you can before introducing algorithm-based social media.
Instead, ease them into the digital world gradually. Start with platforms that don’t rely on algorithmic manipulation—apps where they can stay in touch with real-life friends rather than endless content streams.
As they get older, help them understand how algorithms work. Teach them to think critically about what shows up in their feed and why. The goal is to move them from passive consumers to conscious users.
Delaying algorithmic social media exposure also gives you time to develop shared expectations.
It’s easier to build healthy tech habits together when you’re not playing catch-up with content you’ve never seen.
2. Keep Tech Out of Bedrooms
Not because teens are untrustworthy—but because good kids do dumb things when they’re tired, sad, or stressed. It’s not a character flaw. It’s biology.
The bedroom, late at night, becomes a risk amplifier.
Isolation + fatigue + a connected device is a recipe for poor decisions.
Whether it’s sending a nude selfie, firing off a regrettable message, or falling into suggestive or coercive content, these moments often happen when teens are emotionally vulnerable and their judgment is at its lowest.
It’s also when they are most likely to make impulsive, inappropriate social decisions—joining a group chat they shouldn’t be in, sharing something too personal, participating in a prank or dare, or engaging in conversations they would never start in daylight.
These aren’t bad kids. They’re tired, curious, impulsive, and digitally connected.
This is when the algorithm is most dangerous—when it senses emotion and serves content designed to intensify it.
Create tech-free zones. Make a habit of charging devices outside the bedroom. Establish a family rhythm around winding down without screens.
You’re not punishing them.
You’re protecting their brain, their dignity, and their future. (Besides, no one ever looked back and said, “Wow, I wish I’d had more unsupervised 1 a.m. Snapchat sessions.”)
3. Talk About the Risk Without Panic
Some parents feel powerless. Others feel overwhelmed. But one of the most important things you can do is simply start talking.
You are not helpless in the face of social media.
Rather than waiting for something to go wrong, be proactive. Make conversations about technology and social media part of everyday life. The goal isn’t interrogation—it’s connection.
Ask open-ended questions like: “What’s something weird that popped up in your feed recently?” or “Have you ever felt pressure online to be or act a certain way?”
Also, be honest about your own experiences. Share how you use social media, what you find hard about it, and the boundaries you set for yourself. This mutual vulnerability builds trust and helps your teen feel respected.
Remember, they are more likely to open up when they feel seen, not judged. You don’t have to understand every app or trend—you just have to stay engaged. Honestly, half the time I can’t tell if they’re talking about an app or an energy drink.
4. Prioritise Connection Over Control
When it comes to guiding teens through tricky terrain—whether it’s friendships, alcohol, sex, school stress, or tech use—our influence doesn’t come from control. It comes from relationship.
The same applies to their online world. The more connected your teen feels to you, the more likely they are to listen to your guidance, share their challenges, and internalise your values. Not because you’re monitoring every click, but because they trust you, respect you, and know you’re in their corner.
We don’t need to become their best friend or abandon boundaries. What earns influence is connection, not control.
You earn influence by showing up consistently, staying curious, and engaging without judgment—even when you’re worried or frustrated.
So, rather than focusing all your energy on controlling apps, tracking software, or setting up digital fences (though those can play a role), ask yourself:
- Does my teen feel safe coming to me when they’ve messed up?
- Do we talk about values in our family—not just rules?
- Have I built enough trust that my teen will hear my voice in their head when they’re making a choice?
When you lead with connection, boundaries don’t feel like punishments—they feel like care. Conversations don’t feel like interrogations—they feel like guidance.
Your best strategy isn’t to lock down the tech. It’s to build up the relationship.
Because when the relationship is strong, your voice gets louder—and the algorithm’s gets quieter.
Moving Beyond Helplessness and Hysteria
We’re parenting in an era that swings between two extremes when it comes to technology: helpless resignation and moral panic.
On one side, we’re told this is just how kids are now—glued to screens, addicted to apps, and out of our reach. On the other, we’re bombarded with dire warnings about tech-fuelled teen crises, brain damage, mental health spirals, and social collapse.
Caught between those poles, the biggest casualty is often parental confidence. We’re left feeling like no choice is safe. If we hold the line, our kids feel excluded. If we let go, they’re at risk. So we freeze—overwhelmed by noise, unsure where to start, hoping for the best but quietly fearing the worst.
But in all that chaos, what matters most remains surprisingly simple: Strong relationships, clear boundaries, and open conversations still work.
You can’t stem the digital tide, but you can teach your teen how to swim in it. You can stay connected. Set boundaries. Ask questions. Model values. Build trust. And keep showing up.
Because your influence is powerful. And even in a noisy world, your voice still matters to your teenager.
The most dangerous assumption we can make is that our child is the exception—that because they’re “a good kid,” they’ll somehow avoid the messier corners of the digital world. But even good kids make dumb choices. Especially online. Especially when they’re tired, lonely, or trying to figure out who they are.
We can’t eliminate every risk, and we can’t track every tap. But we can do what good parents have always done: build trust, set boundaries, have hard conversations, and walk beside our kids with courage and care.
It’s completely understandable to feel anxious—even overwhelmed—by the scale of it all. That fear is real—and you’re not the only one who’s ever felt out of their depth.
But we can still respond as ourselves: grounded(ish), thoughtful (on a good day), and intentional (when we remember). What matters most isn’t getting it all right—it’s being connected, being honest, and walking through it with them.
When we lead with relationship, hold to our values, and keep showing up—even when it’s hard—we give our teens what they actually need: not a perfectly curated online life, but the skills, support, and self-awareness to navigate the real-world one they’ve got.
And if you’re bumbling through that process yourself? Welcome to the club. That’s what parenting looks like in the digital age: a little clarity, a lot of conversations, and the occasional deep breath behind a closed bathroom door.
None of us have this all figured out. But if we keep the conversation open, hold the connection close, and show up—especially when it’s messy—we’re giving our teens what matters most.
Image Credit: Netflix, Adolescence
