The 7 Secrets of Motivating Teenagers
There is a good reason that the stereotypical view of modern teenagers is they are lazy kids who just want to sleep in, play computer games, surf the net and hangout with their friends. The reason this view exists is that all around the world this is all parents see their teenagers doing.
The image of the lazy teenager has become so commonplace that many people simply assume that being lazy and unmotivated is a natural consequence of adolescence. Such thinking, while understandable, is essentially misguided.
Once upon a time, teenagers were some of the most hardworking members of society. Long before shopping malls, computer games, and high schools, teenagers were expected to work with adults and work hard.
Many teenagers responded well to this invitation, did work hard, and were motivated to do so. They did this because what they were doing had a point, and it matched their natural desire to be treated and considered as adults.
Teenagers worked hard learning a trade, taking on responsibility around the farm, learning to cook and keep house, and striving to prove themselves in adult company because they could see these tasks mattered. They understood how what they were being asked to do was preparing them for the future. The jobs themselves were real jobs that had to be done and hence provided a sense of significance and value.
A lot has changed. But despite all the changes, teenagers are essentially the same. What has changed the most is the context in which teens grow up and the significance of what they are expected to do.
Very few teenagers completely lack motivation. What many teenagers lack is the motivation to do stuff that doesn’t matter to them, doesn’t seem important to them, or is about satisfying an agenda that doesn’t relate to them.
It is not that you have an “unmotivated teenager” but you have a teenager who is not motivated to do what you think they should be doing.
For most parents, the topic of motivation and teenagers is usually expressed as “my teenager is not motivated to study,” “my teenager is not motivated to do homework,” or “my teenager is not motivated to help around the house or do chores,” “my teenager is not motivated to exercise.” And motivating teenagers to do these things can be difficult, but motivating anybody to do these things can be difficult.
With this context in mind, here are my 7 Secrets to Motivating Teenagers.
1. What is In It For Me?
This is the most important motivational ingredient of them all!
If your teen does not understand what the task has to do with them, or their well-being, then it will be a struggle for them to find the desire to carry it out.
Teenagers long to feel significant. They want to demonstrate to themselves and the world that they matter and are capable of making a difference. Many of the problems teens encounter today is because their desire to be significant is ignored or diminished.
If your teenager understands the value to them of the task, you will have a little problem motivating them to do it. At this point, I need to tell many parents that teenagers do not regard “making their parent’s life easier” as being something of high value to them.
If your teenager wants to wear clean clothes, they will be motivated to cooperate with requirements relating to laundry. If your teenager wants to eat they will find the motivation to cooperate with mealtime chores. Some tasks don’t have consequences quite so obvious. Personally, as a teenager, I couldn’t see how vacuuming the carpet made any difference in life, so maybe this wasn’t the best chore for me to do. I did however notice when the rubbish bin was overflowing. Give your teen chores that they can see value in doing.
The other common task that is not meaningful to teenagers is homework. Many an adolescent has failed to see the point of learning algebra or ancient history. Trying to explain possible practical uses of abstract learning can be an exercise in futility.
Youth expert Josh Shipp has a helpful way of dealing with these types of issues. He talks about helping teens understand by using the statement:
“You have to do what you have to do so you can do what you want to do.”
This is a helpful statement because it is true in so many areas of life. Sometimes we all do work for no other reason than it needs to be done. Helping teenagers see meaningless tasks as part of life’s greater goals is a valuable message to pass on.
Getting school work done is necessary for a teen who wants to get into the university course of their choice, or be considered for their dream job one day. Getting out and finding a part-time job is needed if they want to have money to spend on going out, buying a car, or getting the latest piece of technology.
This axiom also applies to the chores your teen doesn’t see as important. By linking the completion of chores to privileges such as the use of computers, cars, TV’s, etc. your teenager learns that sometimes we do things we don’t want to do in order to enjoy the things we want to do. Regular practice is vital to being able to play well when it comes to the day of the game or the performance.
2. Let Them Have a Say
If your teenager feels like all they are being asked to do is to fit into your agenda, your timetable, and conform to your way of doing things they are not going to be terribly motivated.
When parents give the reason “Because I told you so,” they create a demotivating environment. Developmentally, teenagers are seeking to establish themselves as their own person, independent from their parents. Is it any wonder that being asked to conform to a parent’s agenda is demotivating?
If you want to motivate your teenager give them a say in what and how things are done. When your teenager has a say in setting the agenda and the timetable they will be more motivated to participate.
- Discuss with them what chores they would prefer to do around the house.
- Set deadlines, but give them the freedom to choose when and how a task is completed
- Discuss with them what they think is a reasonable expectation and then share your expectations. Try to work to a compromise position you can both live with.
- Give your teenager responsibility for whole tasks. For instance, if they have to cook one night a week, let them set the menu and arrange for the shopping to be done. Or if their job is to clean the bathroom let them be responsible for decorating it as well.
3. Let Them Learn From Failure
When parents constantly step and rescue their teens from failing they undermine their teenager’s ability to grow up. No parent wants to see their kids fail, but it is through failure that we grow and learn to improve. A teenager who doesn’t fail is often an unmotivated teenager.
What gives a task significance is the consequences or what is at stake if it doesn’t get done. When parents prevent teens from experiencing the consequences of failure they rob a task of its significance, and hence their teenager’s motivation to do better next time.
If your teen is responsible for taking the rubbish out every week and they don’t get it done, then they become responsible for managing the mess and overflowing bins for the following week. They will learn more from this than from a parent repeatedly nagging them at 11 pm the night before, or doing it for them.
Similarly, if your teen chooses not to study for an exam and fails they are more likely to be motivated next time. Parents can maximize these opportunities by asking questions rather than giving lectures. Discuss with your teen how they feel about the outcome, what they might do differently next time, and ask if there is anything they need from you to help them.
(If your teen doesn’t study and passes anyway then there is no issue – except the sense of perceived injustice parents are inclined to feel.)
4. Help Them to Remember
It is not always the case that teenagers don’t do things because they are unmotivated, often they fail to follow through simply because they forget. The reality is teenagers, particularly younger ones, are hardwired to forget. Their brains are reforming and haven’t yet got all the bits joined up.
With all the stuff going on in their life it is very easy for teenagers to get distracted and forget. They need help to remember what they committed to doing and to get organized.
It is important to point out that constant verbal reminders from parents, also referred to as nagging, is not the solution. If you nag your teenager, you make it about your agenda and about keeping you happy. This does not help your teenager’s motivation; in fact, nagging is a great demotivator.
Teaching your teens to be organized and remember is part of what parents need to do. Work with your teen to develop methods of remembering that doesn’t require you to be involved.
- Use visual aids such as charts, colour-coded rosters, or timetables, and place them in obvious places.
- Help your teen create routines in their weeks that help them to establish patterns.
- Leave little hints around the house about a task that needs to be completed
- Get them to use an App or program on their computer, phone, or iPod as part of the reminding process.
5. Make It Achievable
Sometimes it is the size of the task that teenagers find hard. It isn’t that they don’t want to do it, but rather they don’t know where to start and it all looks too hard.
If your teen is putting off getting started, it can sometimes be helpful to sit down with them to find out how they are feeling about getting it done. Do they know where to start? Do they feel like they will never be able to do it so can’t be bothered starting? Maybe they feel scared about failing?
Whatever the reason, offering to help your teen think through a process for getting the job done could be just the thing they need.
Break the task up into a series of smaller achievable tasks with shorter deadlines. Teenagers often struggle with long-term planning but respond well to more immediate time horizons. By helping your teen come up with a series of small steps, you empower them to work their way through the task.
Sometimes it might be worth getting your teen to think of little rewards they could give themselves after each mini-milestone is reached.
This method can be applied to school projects, sporting or artistic goals, jobs around the home, fixing relationships, future careers or even moving out of the home.
6. Provide Incentives
This is a more specific example of point 1 “What is in it for me?” But it is worth spelling out separately.
As mentioned earlier not all tasks have an obvious intrinsic consequence that can be used as motivation. Some school assignments are just there to be done, and some chores don’t seem to make a great deal of difference to the immediate quality of life.
Even more importantly, some tasks can’t be linked to larger outcomes in a way that motivates a teenager. For teenagers who lack confidence and/or natural ability, the motivation to do better in certain subjects at school can be very hard to find. Likewise, for the teen who is not naturally coordinated or athletic the motivation to participate in physical activity can be hard to find.
For these types of instances providing an additional incentive can help generate motivation where otherwise there would be none. By offering rewards for effort, improvement, or participation, you reinforce in your teenager the values of trying and perseverance, rather than rewarding the act of giving up or resigning.
Learning what your teenagers ‘love language’ is can be a great help in this regard. Does your teen respond well to encouraging words, gifts, quality time, physical affection or some other form of affirmation? Knowing what type of incentive your teen will respond best to will increase their motivation and responsiveness.
7. Make It Fun
This motivational principle applies to people of all ages, not just teens. Most people are more motivated to do something fun rather than something boring.
Fun is the key ingredient to getting teens active and motivated to participate in social activities. If you want your teen to get out of the house, get active, and make new friends, then explore with them what activities it is they enjoy doing and encourage them to do it. Remember what you enjoy may not be what your teen enjoys. Be sure to show interest and value whatever it is that your teen considers interesting and fun.
Teenagers, particularly boys, respond to competition. No matter how menial the task is, any job can be transformed into a passion-filled activity if there is a competitive aspect involved. Competition doesn’t always require having others to compete against, sometimes young people respond to the challenge to better their own previous efforts.
If your teenager can learn something by playing games, watching a movie, or searching the Internet then encourage them to do it. Using technology as part of any task makes it instantly more appealing to young people today.
So there you have it, 7 simple ideas to try and get your teenager engaged.
Living with an unmotivated teenager can be frustrating and stressful for parents. If you are struggling to motivate your teenager check out our post on Parenting an Unmotivated Teenager to get a more in-depth understanding of how to focus your parenting efforts.
Or if you would like to learn more, why not consider our FREE TRAINING WEBINAR on
Motivating Teenagers: How to Motivate Teenagers Without All the Stress.