As parents, getting teenagers to talk can often feel like trying to master a long-forgotten art form.
One moment they’re sharing every detail of their day, and the next, they’re locked in their rooms, headphones on, completely unapproachable.
Getting a teenager to talk is like trying to untangle a power chord – frustrating, time-consuming, and just when you think you’ve made progress, it gets knotted up again.
Why is it like this? Well, that will likely remain a mystery. As parents, we accept it and try to connect when we can.
That is where this article aims to help by offering our 10 best strategies for getting teenagers to talk.
Whether you’re dealing with the silent treatment, talking to the hand, or navigating the extremes of indifference and intense emotions, this article aims to enhance your connection and foster better understanding.
So, take a deep breath and prepare to get your teenager talking.
Listen More Than You Talk
You have probably heard the saying, “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.” This saying is attributed to the Greek philosopher Epictetus. While I can’t confirm its origins (Greek philosophers aren’t frequent on my reading lists), I can confirm it’s a valuable rule of thumb.
Many parents have lamented to me about how difficult getting teenagers to talk can be. However, when I press them, they often can’t answer how much time and space they allow for listening to their teenagers.
Teenagers are more inclined to talk when parents are committed to listening.
The first suggestion I make to any parent struggling with getting teenagers to talk is to suggest they stop talking to their teenager. Not altogether, but drastically reduce the number of words coming out of their mouths.
Instead, I suggest parents greet their teenager, maybe ask a single question, and then allow for silence. It might feel awkward and scary, but it also might result in your teenager saying something.
When parents create space, they are often surprised by how their teenagers fill it. But often, parents are so worried about awkward silence that they fill it with their own words, questions, advice, and opinions, leaving no room for teenagers to speak.
Teens often need to feel heard rather than be given advice.
Sometimes flipping the parental model is helpful. Instead of seeing ourselves as dispensers of advice and wisdom, we might do better to see ourselves as sounding boards and receptors of our teenagers’ words and opinions.
Listen Well
One of the hardest things to learn is how to listen well. Listening well means being fully focused on hearing what the other person is saying. It sounds obvious, but obvious doesn’t mean it is common or easy.
The biggest enemy of listening well for most people, especially parents, is our need to be heard. When our kids are speaking, we are too often focused on formulating what we are going to say next, rather than being fully engaged in what they have to say.
We might think our kids need to hear our wisdom, so focusing on getting it right is important. The trouble is we risk missing what our kids are really trying to tell us. If your teen isn’t speaking to you that often, it would be a shame to miss any of what they have to say when they do speak.
A key to getting teenagers to talk is demonstrating to them that you can listen well.
Another challenge is being silent only because we are waiting for our turn to talk. Standing there, tapping your feet, waiting for your teenager to finish their long-winded explanation rarely equates to good listening.
Impatience doesn’t make us attentive or receptive.
It can be far more effective to surrender our need or right to speak and share and instead prioritize hearing our teens and encouraging them to talk. It doesn’t mean the quality of what they say will necessarily improve, but it does mean you are more likely to hear the important things. And when you hear the important things, you can connect with your teen about what is meaningful and helpful.
Make Time
Life is busy for all of us. Time is a precious resource that few of us seem to have in abundance. Making time for your teenager is not always easy. But while time is precious, so is your relationship with your teenager.
Finding space in the busyness of life to be around and available for your teenager might be difficult, but if you want to connect with your teen, it is vital.
In today’s fast-paced world, it’s easy to get caught up in distractions, but being truly present can make a significant difference. Set aside dedicated time to spend with your teen, free from interruptions like phones, TV, or work.
Your presence not only strengthens your bond but also encourages your teenager to share more openly and honestly.
Getting your teenager to talk requires some scheduling intent and discipline on your part. But it also drastically increases you chances of getting your teenager to talk.
Validation
No one likes to share something important with another person only to have it dismissed or downplayed.
Teenagers like it even less.
Adolescence is a time of big feelings, new realizations, and first-time experiences. Your teenager’s reaction to a particular situation may seem over the top to you, but that’s because you aren’t 15! You have lived long enough to know that this experience is not the end of the world but merely part of growing up. You have learned that the first few times it can feel overwhelming, but after 20 years, you realize it is a normal and frequent part of life.
Your teenager does not have the advantage of your life experience. For your teen, the experience, the emotion, the overwhelm, and the possible confusion and anxiety created are all very real.
Their perspective will improve over time, and they will become more accustomed to the feelings associated with life’s ups and downs.
Your teenager doesn’t need you to correct their understanding of what is happening. What they need from you at that moment is to be heard.
Nothing will benefit your young person more than having someone they trust acknowledge them and their current experience as genuine in the here and now.
You don’t have to agree. You don’t even have to think it is reasonable or rational. All you have to do is accept this is how they are experiencing things and let them know you understand and hear them.
What your teen does not need from you is for their experience or feelings to be minimized. Phrases like “I’m sure it’s not that bad” or “it is going to be okay” often don’t bring comfort. Rather, these types of phrases will leave a young person feeling dismissed, misunderstood, and less likely to share with you in the future.
Validation is key to getting teenagers to talk. By acknowledging their experiences without judgment, you help them feel accepted, which is essential for building trust and encouraging open communication.
Don’t Overreact
I often tell the true story of a young man being questioned about why he wouldn’t share details of his life with his mother. When he was asked, “Is it because you think she (his mother) doesn’t care?” The young man’s response is gold: “No, I don’t tell her because she will care too much!”
This response highlights a key challenge in getting teenagers to talk: parental over-reaction.
It is not only mothers who overreact, but anecdotal evidence suggests that while dads do overreact, it is more often mothers who overwhelm their young person by their care, concern, or enthusiasm.
I tell all parents, especially caring, concerned, loving mothers, when your teen shares something with you, “keep a poker face.” Not a stern, disinterested face, but a neutral, interested but not shocked, devastated, delighted, or jumping-over-the-moon type of face.
You can feel shocked, devastated, delighted, or over the moon inside, but you don’t have to express it right away.
You can do cartwheels on the inside, but on the outside, you should remain calm, cool, and collected.
Also, don’t let your desire to know everything result in a barrage of questions that turn a conversation into an interrogation.
Most adolescents struggle to deal with their own emotions; they rarely feel like managing their parents’ emotions.
Teenagers use a large amount of emotional energy dealing with everyday life. Choosing to use some of that scarce energy to share what is happening with a parent is an effort. Being required to deal with a parent’s overly emotional response is an effort they really would rather not have to make.
If your teen thinks you will turn their disclosure into an event or a drama, the benefit of telling you will be outweighed by the aftermath, so they will avoid talking to you.
Getting teenagers to talk requires creating a supportive environment where they feel safe to share without fearing an overwhelming emotional response from their parents. By maintaining a balanced demeanour and avoiding excessive probing, you foster a space where your teenager feels comfortable opening up.
Respect Their Space
Teenagers are not like toddlers. They don’t crave your attention or need you to play with them. They do need you, and they need to know you are available and there for them. But that doesn’t mean they want you in their presence constantly.
Your young person is learning to be who they are apart from you. To do that, they need space from you. Having space from you means not being near you or talking to you.
This is a hard reality for many parents. The feelings of sadness and loss that can emerge as teens become more distant are entirely valid.
But feeling sad doesn’t mean you should invade your teenager’s space.
Let them be.
As hard as it may be, let them come to you.
Pushing into their space and demanding they talk to you will usually have the opposite effect to what you are after.
Shared Activities
Your teenager will often communicate with you more freely while engaged in a shared activity.
Whether it’s playing sports, working on a project, cooking, shopping, or even watching a favourite show, spending time together for a reason other than talking will often result in your teen talking.
Having something enjoyable to do will help your teenager feel more relaxed, with the activity at hand being the primary focus of your attention rather than them.
It doesn’t even have to be overtly enjoyable; we all know how important car trips can be for finding out what’s on your teenager’s mind!
It might also be that your teenager thinks you are more relaxed, so now might be a good time to share something with you. (Also, teens might consider public settings safer as they minimize potentially explosive parental reactions.)
Finding things you can do with your teenager, or more correctly things your teenager will do with you, is one of the best strategies to increase the amount of talking between you and your teenager.
Keep Things Positive
It can be easy during the teenage years for the balance of interactions between parents and teenagers to become more negative than positive.
No one means for that to happen. But as young people grow and desire more independence, more freedom, and more of the household Wi-Fi, it is not surprising more tension and frustration are expressed.
Over time, negative or tense interactions between parents and teens can start to outnumber positive interactions.
It’s essential for parents to consciously and consistently speak positively to their teenagers, ensuring that affirmations and encouragement outbalance criticisms and conflicts.
This may not always come naturally. Even if you must consciously create a daily task of finding positive things to say to your teenager, it is worth doing.
Focusing on creating more positive interactions than negative ones helps mitigate tensions in the relationship, which reinforces to your teen that you value and respect them.
The more positive things are the more chance you have of getting your teenager talking to you.
Check In Regularly
You might think you have more chance of getting your border collie to complete the grocery shopping than getting a teenager to respond to you checking in on how they are doing. But it is vital you persist with checking in daily with your teen despite the overwhelming sense of futility you might have.
The practice of asking your teen every day is not about eliciting a response every time. Rather, you do it to convey to your teenager that you care and are interested in them. Even if you only get a single-word response or a grunt, there is still value in asking your teen how they are doing. Every time you ask, you reinforce the message that you care.
The other reason we check in with our teenagers every day is to create the opportunity when it really matters. Ninety-nine per cent of the time, your teenager may not respond to your question, or the answer will not be significant. The reason you ask every day is because 1% of the time it does matter, you don’t miss the opportunity.
Special tip: late at night is commonly seized upon as an opportunity for parents to get their teenagers to talk. While inconvenient and slightly problematic, late-night chats can also be some of the most significant in a parent-teen relationship.
Boys & Girls Are Different
At the risk of stating the obvious, there are significant differences between how teenage boys and teenage girls connect and communicate with parents (and everyone else!). Some of the strategies above are more applicable to one gender than the other, and many might be applied differently.
To make it a bit easier keep these 3 basic principles in mind when thinking about getting teenagers to talk to you:
1. Shoulder to Shoulder (Boys) vs. Face to Face (Girls)
• Boys often feel more comfortable communicating in a “shoulder to shoulder” manner, meaning they prefer side-by-side activities where the focus isn’t directly on talking (especially to a parent!).
• On the other hand, girls generally prefer “face-to-face” interactions. They are more inclined to sit down and have a direct conversation, making eye contact and expressing their emotions verbally.
2. Open-Ended Questions (Girls) vs. Leading Questions (Boys)
• When trying to engage in meaningful conversations, open-ended questions are particularly effective with teenage girls. Girls tend to appreciate questions that invite them to share their experiences and reflect on their emotions.
• In contrast, boys often respond better to more structured, leading questions that guide the conversation. These types of questions can help boys focus on specific topics and feel less overwhelmed by the prospect of a broad, open-ended discussion.
3. Boys Need More Time, Girls Use More Words
• Boys generally need more time to process their thoughts and emotions before they are ready to talk. Giving them the space and time, which requires patience on your part, can result in more genuine and meaningful conversations.
• Conversely, girls are often more verbal and use more words to express themselves. They are typically more comfortable discussing their emotions and may seek out conversations more frequently.
Getting teenagers to talk isn’t always easy, but it is possible with the right strategies. With a bit of intentionality, you can create an environment where your teen feels safe and encouraged to open up.
Remember, the key is to be a supportive listener, show empathy, and build trust. Keep the process light, stay patient (as best you can), and always appreciate the small steps forward.
With these strategies in place, you’ll enhance your connection with your teen and make getting teenagers to talk a natural and positive part of your relationship.
