Welcome to the tween years, or as I like to refer to it “Peak Awkward!”
Those precious years between childhood and teenagerhood, typically from ages 9 to 12. It’s a period of rapid development and change, both physically and emotionally.
When your sweet little child transforms into a gangly, uncoordinated, moody, and often volatile mix of body odour and bad fashion sense.
If you’re finding yourself bewildered and occasionally pulling your hair out, don’t worry – you’re not alone. Parenting tweens can be a somewhat bemusing and frustrating adventure, but with the right strategies, a lot of patience, and a sense of humour, you can make it through this stage intact – as might your tween.
Did I mention you will need a lot of patience?
Part 1: Understanding the Tween Years
Understanding what to expect during the tween years can empower you to navigate this stage with confidence, turning bewildering moments into opportunities for growth and connection- and it might help you with your patience.
Here’s a glimpse into the unique world of tweens:
Rapid Physical Growth
One of the most visible changes during the tween years is their rapid physical growth. You might find yourself constantly buying new clothes and shoes because your child has outgrown their old ones seemingly overnight. This can be both amusing and frustrating, especially when it feels like you just bought that pair of sneakers a month ago.
This rapid growth can make tweens feel awkward. Their limbs might seem too long for their bodies, and they may struggle with coordination. It’s common for them to feel self-conscious about these changes, particularly if they are earlier or later than their peers in hitting growth milestones.
Tweens are highly aware of their bodies and can be very sensitive to how they look compared to others. This is a critical time for building a positive body image. Encouraging healthy habits, avoiding negative comments about weight or appearance, and fostering a positive attitude towards their changing bodies can help.
With rapid growth comes increased nutritional needs. Tweens often experience changes in their appetites, sometimes eating significantly more as their bodies demand extra fuel for development.
During growth spurts, tweens might suddenly seem insatiable, constantly raiding the fridge and asking for more food at mealtimes. Their bodies are using up more energy to support the rapid growth of bones, muscles, and organs. It’s not unusual for parents to be caught off guard by how much their tween can eat.
While it’s important to guide their eating habits, avoid turning mealtimes into a battleground. Offer healthy choices and let them have some control over their food preferences within reason. This can help them develop a positive relationship with food and their bodies.
Adolescent Brain Development: A Work in Progress
During the tween years, your child’s brain is undergoing significant changes, particularly in areas responsible for emotions and decision-making.
The prefrontal cortex, which governs rational thinking, impulse control, and planning, is still very much a work in progress. Because this area is still maturing, tweens often lean more heavily on the amygdala—the brain’s emotional centre. This reliance on the amygdala can lead to more intense and impulsive reactions, especially when it comes to fear, frustration, or aggression.
Your tween may experience emotions more intensely and react in ways that might seem out of proportion to the situation. These dramatic mood swings and emotional outbursts are common and are largely due to their brains not yet being fully equipped to process and regulate these strong emotions.
Understanding this neurological basis for their behaviour can help you approach these moments with greater patience and empathy, knowing that your tween is still learning how to navigate their emotional world.
At the same time, the under-construction prefrontal cortex means that tweens can struggle with planning, organization, and decision-making. You might notice them being forgetful, having difficulty keeping track of assignments, or making decisions that seem illogical.
This vagueness and disorganization are not signs of laziness or a lack of effort but rather a reflection of their brain’s developmental stage. As a parent, offering gentle guidance, setting clear expectations, and helping them develop organizational strategies can make a big difference in supporting them through this phase of cognitive growth.
Cognitive Changes
Cognitive development during the tween years includes a shift from concrete to more abstract thinking. They start to understand complex concepts, think about future possibilities, and consider multiple perspectives. This cognitive leap is exciting but can also lead to a lot of questioning and curiosity.
Tweens begin to question everything around them. Why do we have to follow certain rules? Why is the sky blue? These questions are a sign that their brains are developing critical thinking skills. Encouraging this curiosity can help them develop a love for learning.
As they start to think more abstractly, tweens also begin to form their own opinions. They may challenge your views and engage in debates, often with a surprising level of logic and passion. While this can be challenging for parents, it’s important to respect their opinions and encourage healthy discussions.
Despite their growing cognitive abilities, tweens often think in absolute, black-and-white terms. They may struggle with nuance and see situations as either completely right or entirely wrong. This type of thinking can make it difficult for them to understand complex issues or see multiple sides of an argument.
To help them navigate this phase, encourage critical thinking and expose them to different perspectives. Discuss scenarios that require them to consider various factors and potential outcomes. This can help them develop a more nuanced understanding of the world.
When they express black-and-white views, guide them gently towards considering other possibilities. Ask questions like, “What if there’s more to the story?” or “How might someone else see this situation?” This approach can help them gradually shift from absolute thinking to more flexible and critical thinking patterns (note I put emphasis on gradually.)
Whatever you do, don’t get into an argument with a Tweenager. While their thinking is getting more sophisticated it still has limits. And given their increasing propensity to big emotions, you will never achieve a constructive outcome arguing with your tweenager. Just let them be. You don’t need the last word, and they don’t need any more fuel for their already volatile mood.
Emotional Intensity
As puberty begins, the surge of hormones can trigger intense emotions and sudden mood swings in tweens. One moment, they might be cheerful and chatty, and the next, they’re sulking in their room, overwhelmed by feelings they may not fully understand.
These emotional swings are not only a natural part of their hormonal changes but are also influenced by the ongoing brain development that makes them more prone to experiencing emotions with greater intensity.
These extreme shifts in mood can be amplified by social and relational issues, such as conflicts with friends or struggles to fit in with peers.
It’s not uncommon for these hormonal and brain-driven changes to lead to emotional outbursts. Tweens might cry over seemingly minor issues or react intensely to small frustrations, leaving both them and you feeling drained.
Providing a safe space for them to express their emotions and guiding them towards healthy coping mechanisms can help them manage these overwhelming feelings.
During this tumultuous period, approaching your tween with empathy and understanding is key.
Reassure them that it’s okay to experience a wide range of emotions and that you’re there to support them through it all. Open communication about their feelings can be a powerful tool in helping them navigate these challenging years.
Identity Exploration
Tweens embark on a significant journey of self-discovery as they try to figure out who they are and where they fit in the world. This phase of identity exploration is crucial, as it lays the foundation for their future self-concept and values.
During this time, you may notice your tween experimenting with different clothing styles, hairstyles, and interests. One week they might be passionate about sports, and the next, they could be drawn to music or art. This experimentation is a normal part of their development as they explore various aspects of their identity.
Along with changes in style and interests, you might also observe shifts in their behaviour. Tweens may adopt new mannerisms, slang, or attitudes influenced by peers or media figures. While these changes can sometimes be confusing or concerning for parents, they are typically temporary phases of exploration.
Role models, whether they are celebrities, teachers, family members, or fictional characters, also play a significant role during this time. These figures shape your tween’s aspirations and values, so encouraging positive role models can help guide their identity formation in healthy directions.
Friendships become even more central to their lives, and peers can significantly influence their sense of identity. Your tween might try to fit in with different groups as they search for where they feel most comfortable. It’s important to support them through these social changes while helping them understand the importance of staying true to themselves.
Encouraging your tween to express themselves creatively, whether through art, writing, music, or sports, is a vital way for them to explore and solidify their identity. Providing opportunities for them to try new activities and hobbies can also be beneficial.
Having open, non-judgmental conversations about their interests, values, and feelings can help them navigate this complex period. By listening actively, asking questions, and showing genuine interest in their evolving sense of self, you can strengthen your relationship and give them confidence in their identity exploration.
Social Shifts
During the tween years, friendships take on a new level of importance as tweens begin to rely more on their peers for support and validation. They often form close-knit groups, and these friendships quickly become central to their social lives.
Encouraging positive relationships while being there to guide them through the ups and downs of these new connections is essential. As friendships become more crucial, peer pressure also starts to play a more significant role.
Tweens are highly sensitive to what their friends think and do, and they may feel a strong need to conform to fit in. It’s important to teach them how to make independent decisions and stand up for themselves in these situations.
As they grow, tweens naturally start seeking more independence from their parents, which can sometimes feel like they’re pulling away. This desire for independence is a normal and healthy part of their development. Allowing them some freedom, while still maintaining clear boundaries, helps them feel trusted and responsible.
However, finding the right balance between granting independence and providing guidance can be tricky. Giving too much freedom might lead to risky behaviours, while too much control could stifle their growth. Striving for a middle ground where they feel empowered to make choices while also understanding the consequences of their actions is key.
Part 2: Strategies for Surviving (and Thriving) the Tween Years
Now that we’ve explored what makes tweens unique, let’s look at what your tween needs from you to make these years the best they can be.
Before we get to that, however, let me make it simple as to what you will need during the tween years.
Basically, as the parent of a tweenager you need three things;
- Truckloads of patience
- A daily reminder that much of this behaviour will ease up in a few years
- A really good sense of humour (accompanied with the ability to suppress laughter.)
Communication is Key
Effective communication is the cornerstone of a strong parent-tween relationship, and keeping the lines of communication open is crucial during these awkward years.
Encourage conversation by regularly asking about their day, their friends, and their interests. Show genuine curiosity and make it clear that you care about what’s happening in their world- even if you get met with indifference and disdain – keep engaging.
This doesn’t mean every conversation has to be a deep, heart-to-heart talk; often, the most meaningful exchanges happen in the context of everyday moments. Whether you’re driving them to a practice, preparing dinner together, or simply hanging out in the living room, these are opportunities to engage in casual, relaxed conversations that can strengthen your connection.
Listening without judgment is essential in fostering an environment where your tween feels comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings. Avoid jumping to conclusions or immediately offering solutions; instead, focus on understanding their perspective.
By doing so, you create a safe space where they know they can express themselves without fear of criticism or dismissal. This approach not only helps them feel respected but also encourages them to continue coming to you with their concerns, knowing that you’re there to listen rather than lecture.
Validation Of Emotions
Validating their feelings is another critical component of effective communication. Tweens are often navigating a complex emotional landscape, and their reactions may sometimes seem exaggerated or irrational.
However, it’s important to acknowledge their emotions rather than dismiss them. This includes not laughing (although sometimes very difficult), not escalating with your own emotional reaction, and not saying or implying to an emotional tween they are over-reacting.
A simple statement like, “I understand you’re upset,” can go a long way in making them feel heard and respected. Validation doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything they say or do, but it does mean recognizing their emotions as real and important in that moment. This acknowledgment helps them feel secure in expressing their feelings and reassures them that their emotions matter to you.
Allowing your tween plenty of time to calm down before you try to talk or process the issue will save you and your teen a lot of time and energy!
Talk About Change
Talking calmly and openly about the physical changes associated with puberty is also an essential part of maintaining open communication with your tween.
Normalise these conversations by discussing the changes they’re experiencing in a matter-of-fact way, which helps reduce any embarrassment or anxiety they might feel. Whether it’s about growth spurts, acne, body odour, sexuality, or menstruation, approach these topics with sensitivity and reassurance. Let them know that these changes are a normal part of growing up and that everyone goes through them.
By addressing these physical changes calmly and without judgment, you create a safe space for them to ask questions and express any concerns they may have. This not only helps them feel more comfortable with their developing bodies but also reinforces your role as a trusted source of support and information.
Boundaries Are Vital
While tweens crave more independence and often push against parental control, they still need structure and boundaries to feel secure. This is a natural part of their development as they seek to establish their own identity separate from their parents.
Setting clear, consistent boundaries helps tweens understand expectations and limits. Clearly communicate your household rules and the reasons behind them. This can include guidelines around screen time, chores, homework, curfews, and social activities.
The key to boundary setting is consistency!
Consistency in enforcing rules is crucial. Inconsistent boundaries can lead to confusion and testing of limits. Stick to the established rules and follow through with consequences, when necessary, but ensure the consequences are fair and related to the behaviour.
Finding the right balance between granting freedom and enforcing rules can be challenging. Allow your tween to make choices within the boundaries you’ve set. For example, let them decide how to manage their time within the limits of completing homework and household responsibilities.
As tweens seek more independence, involve them in discussions about rules and boundaries. Negotiating and compromising on certain rules can help them feel respected and more willing to adhere to guidelines. This also teaches them important skills in communication and problem-solving.
Boundaries provide a sense of safety and security, even if tweens resist them. They need to know that there are limits to ensure their well-being. Explain that rules are there not to control them but to keep them safe and to help them develop responsible behaviours (they won’t believe you or be any more agreeable, but it is an important message to keep sending.)
Acknowledge and reward positive behaviour. Positive reinforcement can be more effective than punishment in encouraging boundary keeping. Praise their efforts and successes in following guidelines and making responsible choices.
Foster Independence
Give your tween opportunities to take on responsibilities that come with increased freedom, such as managing their own schedule, budgeting their allowance, or taking care of a pet.
These responsibilities not only teach them accountability but also help them understand the importance of following rules and meeting expectations. When they are entrusted with tasks that matter, they begin to see themselves as capable and trustworthy, which is essential for their self-esteem.
In addition to responsibilities, offering choices whenever possible gives your tween a sense of control over their life. This could involve letting them choose their clothes, select activities, or decide how they want to spend their free time.
By giving them the power to make decisions, you’re helping them develop critical thinking skills and learn how to weigh options and consequences. These small, everyday choices lay the groundwork for more significant decisions they will face in the future.
Nurture Their Interests
Supporting your tween’s interests is another important aspect of fostering independence. Encourage them to explore new hobbies and activities, whether it’s sports, music, art, or coding.
Showing genuine interest in their passions not only strengthens your bond but also helps them build confidence as they discover and develop their talents. Engaging in activities they enjoy can also provide a positive outlet for stress and a sense of achievement as they master new skills.
Furthermore, fostering independence involves allowing your tween to experience the natural consequences of their decisions, within a safe and supportive environment. While it’s tempting to step in and fix their mistakes, it’s important to let them learn from these experiences. This approach helps them understand the real-world impact of their choices and builds resilience as they navigate challenges.
By guiding them with encouragement and providing the tools they need to succeed, you’re setting the foundation for a responsible and independent young adult who feels confident in their ability to manage their own life.
Fostering independence in your tween is crucial for their development into a responsible and self-assured individual.
Supporting with Structure and Flexibility
As tweens navigate the ups and downs of this developmental stage, it’s crucial for parents to be proactive in creating structures that support their growth while allowing room for independence.
One of the key areas where they need help is in organization. With their brains still developing, especially in areas like planning and decision-making, tweens often struggle to keep track of tasks and responsibilities.
As a parent, you can assist by setting up organizational aids, such as calendars, to-do lists, or reminder apps that can help them stay on top of their schoolwork and other obligations.
Simple prompts, like gentle reminders about upcoming deadlines or daily routines, can also go a long way in helping them manage their time more effectively.
What won’t help your tween, or you, is you resorting to nagging them constantly. Simple rules for helping tweens get stuff done without nagging:
- Short term instructions only
- One instruction at a time
- Routine activities need fixed prompts or foolproof structures set up in advance
- Allow generous amounts of time – expect nothing will happen quickly
Give Them Privacy
Privacy is another area that becomes increasingly important as tweens seek to establish their own identity. While it’s natural for parents to want to stay involved in their children’s lives, it’s equally important to respect their need for personal space.
Whether it’s ensuring they have a private place to retreat to at home or allowing them some autonomy in their online activities, showing respect for their privacy can help build trust and support their growing sense of independence.
Teach Problem Solving
Tweens will also benefit from your assistance when they face a problem that is getting the better of them. Guide them in thinking through possible solutions rather than providing the answers. This builds their problem-solving skills and confidence.
They will often need you to help them break problems down into smaller parts. Work with your tween to consider multiple possible outcomes – often tweens not great at doing this. And they will need you to regularly, and gently, remind them that world isn’t ending due to whatever problem they are facing.
Let Them Sleep
Maintaining healthy sleep patterns is also vital during the tween years, as their bodies and brains are growing rapidly and need adequate rest to function optimally. Encourage regular bedtimes and create an environment conducive to sleep, such as limiting screen time before bed and keeping the bedroom quiet and comfortable.
By establishing these routines, you can help your tween get the rest they need to cope with the challenges of this developmental stage. Because the only thing more difficult than a moody tween is a tired moody tween.
Incorporating these structures and allowances into daily life provides a supportive framework that acknowledges the unique challenges tweens face, helping them develop the skills and habits they need to thrive.
Stay In The Loop
Being an active presence in your tween’s life is crucial as they navigate the complexities of this life stage. Even though you might feel like your teen wants you around less, they need you to have a clear and stable presence in their world.
Getting to know their friends and their friends’ parents is an important aspect of staying involved. As tweens begin to form close friendships, understanding their social circle can give you insight into the influences shaping their behaviour and attitudes (like knowing who the kid who is teaching your darling to speak like that.)
This also creates a supportive community where parents can share information and strategies for navigating the tween years. Hosting gatherings or arranging group activities can help you build these connections and establish open lines of communication with other parents.
Talking openly about peer pressure is vital as tweens are particularly susceptible to the influence of their peers during this stage. Engage in regular discussions about the challenges they might face and the importance of making good choices.
Role-playing different scenarios can be an effective way to prepare them for real-life situations, giving them the tools they need to stand up for themselves and resist negative influences. Reinforce the idea that it’s okay to say no and that their self-worth isn’t tied to their friends’ opinions or actions.
Monitor Their Online Presence
In today’s digital age, monitoring social media use is an essential part of staying involved in your tween’s life. If they’re active on social media, set clear guidelines and regularly check in on their activity. Educate them about online safety, the potential risks of sharing personal information, and the importance of maintaining a positive digital footprint.
Encourage them to come to you with any concerns or uncomfortable situations they encounter online. By staying engaged with their online world, you can help them navigate the complexities of digital interactions while ensuring their safety.
(Note: I don’t recommend letting kids under 13 anywhere near social media. But I acknowledge it is happening so have made mention of it in this article.)
Be Their No.1 Fan
Another way to show your support is by attending their events (when you can), whether it’s a school play, sports game, or music recital. Your presence at these moments reinforces the message that you value their interests and take pride in their accomplishments.
They might not appreciate you praising them in front of their friends or giving them a hug while everyone is watching, but knowing you are there cheering them on can boost their confidence and strengthen your bond.
Additionally, consider creating opportunities for family time that align with their interests. Whether it’s watching a show together, engaging in a shared hobby, or simply spending time talking during a meal, these moments help maintain a strong connection as they become more independent.
Staying involved doesn’t mean hovering; it means being a steady, supportive presence in their lives, ready to guide them when needed and celebrate their growth along the way.
Take Care of Yourself
Parenting tweens can be exhausting with the constant unending rollercoaster of emotions, demands, and unexpected challenges.
As much as you focus on your tween’s needs, it’s equally important to prioritize your own well-being. Taking care of yourself isn’t just a luxury—it’s a necessity for maintaining the patience, energy, and positivity required to navigate these years successfully.
Remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup. Make sure to take time for yourself, whether it’s through hobbies, exercise, or just relaxing. A well-rested and happy parent is better at being a patient parent.
Don’t be afraid to seek support from other parents, friends, or professionals. Parenting isn’t meant to be done alone.
Embrace the Humour
Find the humour in everyday situations is also an important habit to cultivate. Tweens are awkward, unpredictable, and often unintentionally hilarious. Finding the funny side of these everyday moments not only eases tension but also strengthens your bond with your tween.
Note thought it is important to be laughing with your tween not at tween. There is a fine line between sharing in the funny side, and offending or embarrassing your tweenager.
Laugh with your tween about your own silly mistakes or shortcomings. Show your tween that it’s okay to laugh at oneself and that setbacks or embarrassing moments aren’t the end of the world. By modelling the ability to smile at yourself, you teach them an invaluable life skill: the ability to find lightness even in challenging times.
Creating shared moments of happiness through laughter can help smooth the bumps in the road. Try to make sure there are still regular moments just to hang out and have some fun by watching a silly movie, playing some fun games, or just sharing dumb stuff that happened during your day.
Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff
Tweens are navigating a complex phase of life, and not everything will go perfectly. There will plenty of changes, some of which will come out of nowhere.
So, it is vital that you choose your battles wisely and let go of the minor annoyances, like the messy room or the eye rolls.
Focus on the big picture—your relationship with your tween and their long-term growth. There will be plenty of big challenges and important issues to resolve, you won’t help your tween or yourself by trying to fix everything all at once.
Enjoy Parenting Your Tween
So, as you journey through the ups and downs of the tween years, remember that this is a truly unique and special time in your child’s life.
You’re witnessing them grow, develop, and start to carve out their own identity. While it can be challenging, it’s also a period filled with incredible moments of discovery, both for your tween and for you as a parent. Embrace the quirks, celebrate the milestones, and cherish the opportunity to guide your child as they blossom into the incredible individual they are becoming.
